AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

So what are you going to do? Withdraw her? Because this company isn’t going to change its quite demanding stance

That’s an obligation that should be made clear to parents long before money is handed over.

locally chaperones for children’s shows have to be registered and checked.

The days of just sticking a few parents backstage and allowing them to supervise or help dress and change multiple children have been gone for many years.

yanbu. They can expect it all they like but you’ve explained why you cannot help with this.

How did the showdown end?

It depends on how much that £200 monthly fee would increase by if they have to pay employees to chaperone the event.

Did you know there would be a performance when you signed up and that it would have incremental charges?

Can you get someone to babysit your DS or your DH take the afternoon off to go and chaperone?

It does seem unfair to the other parents if they are making sacrifices such as annual leave to support the event but they see other parents not doing the same.

I'd be finding a different class. If it was a community theatre operating on a shoe string then of course it'd need volunteers to keep going. But this sounds like a business with good funding, you're paying them to teach your child or do childcare - depending on how you think about these classes.

You can't do it so don't but accept you'll have to fund something new. They are CF but won't change unless parents withdraw kids.

I'm not going to withdraw her from the show because we've paid the fee, she's already been cast and rehearsals have started. They obviously can't force us to volunteer.

I have a few relatives who all stopped dancing as their mothers refused to do this, 30 years ago. Its odd, and not expected of any other childrens activity, even one's which are voluntary run.

As above they can't just have random parents backstage, all chaperones have to be dbs checked and licensed by thevlocal Council. I've done it in the past, there were maybe 8-10 parents who volunteered, licensed and got rota-ed for the different shows so everyone could also watch their child. They don't need as many chaperonescas kids, there'd be no space!

Chaperone 12 year olds? What are they on about? It sounds a very expensive club anyway with ridiculously high expectations. Not sure what you can do this time but I would be looking for something else.

Well there you have it

you don’t volunteer
she remains

Doubr they’ll kick you out! You’ll just have to fling your shoulders back and style it out when you see the organisers!

The performance isn't compulsory, it's open to any kids who do the weekly classes and I don't have any objection to paying the extra £150 for DD to be in the show as that's what we signed up for and it was our choice.

The only willing babysitters we have are my parents who will be abroad at the time of the performance. DH can't really spare the annual leave due to this being eaten up by planned holidays/kids school events/an impending house move and family wedding. I know lots of families need to use their annual leave to cover childcare in the school holidays so we can't be the only ones who would struggle to take time off work.

Don’t give it any thought
ypu aren’t going to volunteer
your daughter will remain there
unlikely they’ll kick you out
so just style it out

Apparently they have some parents who have agreed to be official chaperones who are licenced, checked etc and then other "helpers" but it's not clear what their role is.

They’d all have to be dbs checked
concerning they did not to mention that

Legally anyone in school year 11 and below has to be chaperoned on a ratio of 1:12.

I used to run musical theatre classes and whilst I did have some parent volunteer helpers (who were all DBS checked and had chaperone licences) it was my responsibility to source and pay for the required chaperones for shows.

There are many reasons why parents might not be able to help. Other children, care responsibilities, disabilities/ill health (chaperones have to undergo a basic health questionnaire to ensure they are fit and able to do the job) and a myriad of other reasons.

Therefore YANBU.

On the form it asks you to tick a box to say whether you're DBS checked or not. So presumably some of the parent helpers won't be required to interact with children.

Op don’t stress about this
just style it out

I didn’t think parents unchecked were allowed to ‘chaperone’ backstage anymore. Volunteers need checks and supervision.

Thank you. It's just helpful to hear others perspectives as to whether their expectations are normal or reasonable.

My DDs both attend a dance school which does an annual show. Every year they ask for volunteers to chaperone, every year I offer, and every year I get turned down because I'm a man.

Since DD2 started doing the shows my wife has started chaperoning and has never been asked to undertake a DBS check.

Parent helpers who are going to be around the backstage of a children’s show are pretty much all going to be interacting with children.

The fact they’ve not detailed the roles expected by helpers is very concerning - both as someone expected to be a helper and as a parent whose child will be changing around said helpers.

Sure but it wouldn’t have changed your situation either way

Do you know any of the other parents?

They've asked for parents to chaperone or 'help out backstage' so it seems some parent helpers may not be supervising children. Not sure what they will be doing exactly.

Round here male chaperones are revered (because they are rare). Many mums were reluctant to look after the boys.