AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

Not in my experience they don't, and I have daughters who competed at world championship level in dance, were in theatre groups for years and also did tap and ballet shows when they were little and have also done football and athletics. Yes there is a time commitment in terms of ferrying them about and taking them to competitions, and a great deal of expense, but chaperoning and making costumes was never mandated or expected, particularly because of the cost and form filling required, and also trust and competency, they had a core of helpers and that was it, and only when they did tap and ballet shows when they were very little.

That's normal for all kinds of hobbies though. Most kids cannot pursue competitive sport unless they have a committed parent who can drive them around all weekend. Performing arts is equally notorious for it. I am a lone parent and there are things my daughter can't be part of because of that. It's always been the way.

This is just some little show in town not a global tour of Hamilton.

They will get enough people to help and OP won't have to, practically.

I agree, it's rubbish.

I meant an additional time commitment on top of driving them around though. That's sort of my point, that feels enough of a commitment and one that would unfortunately exclude some children, without the additional expectation to take on a volunteer role.

We had foster children in our classes. No way would their parents be able to volunteer. Actually as well we had three siblings whose mum was also fostering a disabled baby.

So you would have gone ahead and sorted out childcare in advance. Parents need to know what they are signing up for just as the children do.

Are you friends with any of the other parents?

Unchecked adults around kids and you don’t see a safeguarding issue ?

The thing that really stands out to me is that this was all said to you loudly in front of other parents. I would have sacked any teacher who spoke to a parents like that in front of other parents. So unprofesional.

The maths of it doesn't make sense. Surely they don't need ratios of one parent to one child? If every parent wanted to chaperone they'd be overrun. I used to love chaperoning my DD's dance shows, but not everyone wants to or can and that's fine.

I think this will run a bit like TV licensing. They go in hard to get you to comply but there are no real teeth behind it. It does leave a nasty taste in the mouth to keep handing over the money if it's beyond their wits or care to understand that some people just can't do it, for all sorts of reasons, often childcare related.

If you are feeling placatory and it comes up again you could volunteer to help with some costumes or something instead. You absolutely don't need to do this though.

I've never come across a 3 line whip on this for dance/drama. It usually works out that plenty of the younger children's mums (and it is all mums) are keen to help so their child has them on hand.

I can see both sides TBH. If no one volunteered then these things wouldn’t happen and/ or they would have to pay for the chaperones which would add to the cost. On the other hand you are in a slightly different situation because you have a son with SEN.

The teacher is probably sick of parents making excuses and then 8 adults turning up and sitting on the front row with no offer of help.

I would have probably tried to get a grandparent or friend to look after DS for one of the performances so I could help and then, if impossible, explained by email in great detail.

Do, we don't. And in risk management an issue is something that has happened. Something that might is a risk.

These are the parents of their dance classmates, with whom I sit on benches at the side of the classes week in, week out, nattering, for 10 months of the year. One of the mums is a teacher in my DDs' primary school. Another one is a paramedic who works for the same NHS trust another mum is the director of operations at. There's never less than about 15 kids in the same room.

There would be a far bigger safeguarding risk at a sleepover, and no-one bats an eyelid at that.

yanbu that is very expensive and it’s off putting getting a lecture like that from them . Ridiculous.

I think you’re in for a bit of a shock! Most activities require quite a bit of input from parents beyond getting them there! I’ve been an assistant football coach, brownie helper, leader for a woodland craft session, piano accompanist, school governor, member of the PTA and responsible adult for various choir/ theme park/ zoo trips and my kids are only mid-teens! And none of this was entirely “voluntary”.

It is usually the same old group of mums who end up chaperoning and missing the performance. Not once have you expressed any gratitude to them just moaned about how hard done by you are. Take your kid out if you aren't happy with the school. Nobody is forcing you to go.

I raise you competitive dance 😂

My eldest daughter has been in musical theatre since very young, my youngest has been dancing and gymnastics since very young. On top of the weekly commitmemt to classes They have been in many, many shows/compeitions over the years, at a great expense in both money and time.
But this is what I knew when I signed them up, they are very passionate and take their hobbies/passions very seriously, which is why they do so well.

Without chaperones, the shows/competitions etc cannot go ahead. I have chaperoned as a single parent for shows for my eldest, with my youngest in tow or she stayed with friends.
When my youngest was 3 and started doing her own things, I chaperoned for several years, over full weekends, either with eldest in tow helping or she stayed at home.

It is extremely entitled of you and your husband to think other people will be able to do it and you have too much on to help.

I wished my daughters dance schools and musical theatre schools had this policy of every family offering up a chaperone....because I have chaperoned for 3 years over 4 nights a 3 days for a show for my youngest with one other mum, looking after 6 children in total and NONE of the other families have offered ever.

FYI these clubs are expensive, costumes are expensive, the tickets are expensive, they are for everyone, no good moaning about it and thinking you are above actually helping backstage because you pay out all this money and are "too busy" to help....there 2 adults in your family for goodness sake!

@GumballWaterson I bet you are also one of the parents who doesnt listen to the chaperones instructions on how to pack the costumes, what type of food to send or not send and sending counterfeit items in like tiny fidgets and toys that children care about and cry if they get lost 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I have a 12 year old and a 7 year old who have both done a variety of extra-curricular clubs and activities since pre-school age including dance, drama, scouts, football, hockey, swimming, brownies and girl guides. Some of these have occasionally asked for parent helpers but some haven't, and none have ever insisted on any mandatory commitment from parents beyond paying the fees, buying tickets to events and getting them there.

My daughter dances and it’s much, much more money than you’re talking about. However, parents aren’t allowed backstage or even to watch class for safeguarding reasons. For the show, we paid for her to join and for costumes and tickets but we were in the audience. I’m surprised they can require unchecked adults to help children honestly - seems massively problematic and I wouldn’t be happy to know my daughter was backstage with a bunch of random adults.

As a seasoned chaperone of many years there is absolutely no need for any mum to miss the performance if the rota is done properly (and the school owner pays for professional chaperones to fill gaps as they should)

To chaperone you need a chaperone license. If its a proper musical school, dance school etc using a theatre or proper set up they will require all adults helping to apply for a license.
They are not random adults.
A chaperone license needs applying for in advance, a DBS is needed and lasts 3 years. You are required to wear your ID at all times.

It is ot even just about th DBS. Licensed chaperones have to know all the rules and regulations regarding the hours they are allowed to be in the theatre, being aware of risks and advocating for thr childre if the teachers appear to be breaksing those rules.

I know what you mean. My dad was a shiftworker and needed the car so couldn't do anything I couldn't get to myself. Being the eldest meant mum was looking after younger ones anyway.