AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

Whether it is fair or not, this has been the level of commitment drama/musical/dance parents have been required to provide their children for decades. It’s no different for parents of sporting kids, either, I hasten to add.

ETA - as parents DH and I did all this, but as a child my single parent, non driving mother couldn’t so I ended up not be able to take part and had fewer opportunities than kids with supportive, affluent, able parents. That was 40 years ago. It’s always been this way.

Maybe. But that seems really unfair for DD to have to be prevented from doing something she loves because my circumstances mean I can't commit to volunteering.

Stagecoach are shit in many ways.

Presumably it would cost you even more if other parents didn't volunteer.

Had a similar experience op. My daughter auditioned for a pretty competitive stage show group where the app form said we needed to volunteer certain days for each show, sell at least 25 tickets, make costumes, attend rehearsals etc. At the audition it was clear that the group was made up of very close knit families - two parents both involved and two or more kids all performers. I said I had no skills to make costumes, no time to volunteer (work and other children), and did not know 25 people who would wany to see my child perform. I asked if could I give a financial contribution instead of contributing time and energy. They were evidently horrified. Needless to say my daughter didn’t get in for which I was very grateful! At least they were up front I guess.

I have always considered children’s activities to be a wonderful opportunity for adult time or one on one time with another child. I certainly don’t want to spend my precious free time in a children’s activity or making costumes - it’s just not for me.

In your case you have the defence of a stealth request - id style it out like everyone says but be prepared for the same request next summer…

Yeah if they become really good and want to take it up professionally.

Not if they are shuffling about on a stage as most will be. Get real.

She won’t be!!!!

This will not be Stagecoach. Their fee structure is different, you don;t generally pay extra to be in shows (unoless you are in an extra performance troupe some of them run) and they don't insist on parent chaperones (I have worked for them previously and know people who work for them now).

Good for you. I went to a dance school in the 1980s and my mum stayed well out of it too. I'm not surprised as some of the dance mums were quite appalling.

It's not stagecoach. No idea what they're like in terms of expectations on parents.

That is not correct. Both of my kids have been involved in musical theatre both at local dance schools, Stagecoach and amdram organisations (and dd then went onto full time dance school) and apart from paying the fees the only compulsory commitment has been to get them there and collect them on time.

I always chose to chaperone. I had my licence anyway for my own school and so cjose to help out at the other schools. But it was never a requirement.

Sounds pretty normal. This sort of thing does demand a lot.

I've no idea. But then it would be my choice to pay the amount requested or not. As it is, I've agreed to pay a certain amount and then told there is a time commitment expected on top of that.

Sounds like some of these places need to get real about parental involvement. It's an expensive paid activity where paid people do it as their job, as a business, not a football team run by a dad giving up his evenings and weekends for the sheer love of it. There is a HUGE difference.

Fees used to be about £330 per term (I beleive it's now about £360) but that included all show rehearsals and when I worked there and dd attended it included all costumes too.).

A few parents used to volunteer to chaperone. The school paid the fee for their DBS and chaperone training but the majority of chaperones were paid helpers.

I am real, dear.

All the dance/drama and sports clubs where I am require that level of commitment in exchange for your child taking part. It doesn’t matter if they are in the chorus of two songs, or on the reserve list for the icehockey B team and you’ve had to drive from Surrey to Essex. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never held a fricking cricket bat - the dad’s have to pitch up to help coach and mums have to serve on the sweet stall/bacon butty stand/run the second hand uniform shop etc at least once a term.

It’s normal, and - yeah - it’s real.

ETA I ran brownies, beaver scouts and was a district commissioner … there was a parent rota for every single unit of those too.

Well, if they made it clear in advance that there is a time commitment expected from parents and this obligation must be fulfilled in order for kids to take part then potentially she would be yes.

My daughter does dance, we pay £95 per month and that's for 6 hours of dancing per week so approximately £4 per hour. We do pay extra for shows but not anywhere near as much as you're paying. They also ask for parents to volunteer to chaperone and they're very grateful to those who volunteer and there's no pressure for the ones who don't. It's a shame your dance school is so entitled, they can't possibly expect so much of every parent, that's what you pay them to do!

Chaperones are a requirement. I have chaperone several times at my DC's performances. They can't force you to do it though. Usually it is quite a straightforward experience but I have chaperoned for a couple of different schools and the experience completely depends on the staff at the school. One school in particular that my DC makes a lot of demands that require a knowledge of the performance that many parent chaperone just don't have. I would prefer to pay for professional chaperones next time.

That is so discrimatory. It excludes many of the children who need these activities the most. Those with disabled siblings or parents (being a young carer is hard), those whose parents have caring comitments with grandparents or those who may bnot be allowed to work with other children.

I used to have a son who acted and danced and I got my chaperone license but also helped ad hoc as a parent....legally parents cannot do this without being properly checked to my knowledge...we did several times as it was beneficial to my son and we could but do not be pressured into this

Just to say that access to children has tightened up even more recently and all volunteers who spend time with children must have an enhanced DBS... if anyone gets snotty, tell them to look at the latest version of Keeping Children Safe in Education which covers this activity. I would be tempted to talk to the Local Authority Designated Officer about your concerns.

It’s open to any kid who does the weekly classes and has parents who can pay £150 quid for the privilege. My daughter has been in theatre groups and that has never been the case. Any group that would leave out a hugely talented child in preference for a bog standard performer just because their parents pay extra is dubious to say the least.

I’m also really surprised they are insisting parents must sign up to chaperone. My daughter is disabled and really struggled with the whole backstage thing when she was in choir and drama groups. I had to jump through hoops to be able to stay with her, and ended up getting my own DBS check so it was less of an issue. Is there a world where people would be happy with one kid’s dad being back stage with 12 year old girls getting changed for a show? Or are they expecting mums only (as ever) to give up their time for this.

I’d suck it up until this show is over, refuse to volunteer, but start looking for a better group.

They "have to"? So what happens if they don't? Do their children get kicked out?

We've never been told it's a mandatory requirement for parents to help out at any of the activities either of my kids have done (drama, sport, scouts, girl guides) over the last 10+ years so your experience can't be as universal as you think.