AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

I hear what your saying about costs as my dc went to musical theatre, it was an absolute money pit and when it came to prep for Christmas show they wanted about £200 of various fundraisers from each parent...I quietly move dc on from it and replaced with a different club. I told the club in a message I think its rudiculous and manager tried to get us to stay and said those things were just suggestions, i said well it doesnt feel like it.

The most money grabby club ive had dealings with.

With regards to both you and dh wanting to watch, i think your wrong here as it is customary for one parent to be backstage in my experience across clubs of dance, musical theatre, singing. I only got to sit in the audience for one show! Dh filmed others for me or we bought the extortionate DVD!

So my advice, ditch musical theatre if you dont like the costs, other clubs can build confidence. And you go backstage and DH films it for you.

If all parents said they were watching in audience then theyre right the shows couldnt go ahead, youre just going to have to be a chaperone whether you think its right or not, its just a rubbish mum job for us mums - we put in a lot of effort paying and supporting dcs but dont get to see fruits of our labour live with our own eyes. It is what it is.

Imo of course x

If they push back, I’d ask whether they really want to discriminate against a child for having a disabled sibling.

Anyone can say no for any reason
any reason they like

unless a requirement of signing up your child was you did this.

but it wasn’t. So I wouldn’t have even given all the info as to why you can’t. I’d have just said “I can’t”

Oh no need.

Just say you can’t. They’re not going to kick her out and lose hundreds of pounds

Try Pony Club if you think that’s a time consuming and expensive hobby 🤣

When I was a parent chaperone, you did not have to be licenced if your own dc was in the performance.

Paying to be in a show you then pay for tickets to see? Shouldn’t the show be funded by the tickets?

Anyway, no YANBU. And if they push I’d point out my child helping out at their under 5s dance sessions (and I’d maybe slightly suggest that if they keep pushing, that won’t happen either).

No, that was the dodgy rule that dance company had

it wasn’t legal

We're not allowed to film performances, no DVD option. Also we purchased a ticket each before we knew about the expectation to volunteer. At that time we had no idea what both parents wanting to see our daughter perform in a show we've paid £150 for her to do would be considered selfish!

YANBU at all, only recently I’ve found out parents are expected to stick around during swimming lessons, soccer kidz and so on - I don’t know if this applies to the whole of the UK or just the area I live in, but I found it very surprising and odd. I don’t understand the logic of paying and also having to be there. Might as well just teach your children to swim yourself.

I grew up in the 90s, went to all sorts of activities but we were dropped off and that’s it.

It’s not safe to have chaperones without enhanced DBS checks backstage with children changing costumes etc.

I always paid my way out of those obligations. You would be surprised what grace a decent contribution can elicit.

Well, we've already paid almost £200 for the show + tickets, on top of the £600 a year we pay them for weekly classes so I would have thought that was a decent enough contribution tbh!

I see your pony club and raise you swimming!!!

£180 a month. £10 - £20 a race (some last less than 30 seconds!) and race shorts are £100’s.

£10 admin fee for meets and you are still expected to volunteer!

Thats before when they get to a good level you add in travel to meets and hotels etc.

It’s not legal. There are strict rules on chaperones because of the sexual abuse that happened before the rules were brought in.

www.gov.uk/chaperone-child-performers

Legally there has to be at least 1 licensed chaperone for every 12 children. You can have extras but they cannot be left alone with a child or group of children. They can assist as dressers or with props etc but they cannot be part of the chaperone ratio.

Yes I know that!

Do they know you have an enhanced DBS? Is that why they’re keen on you doing it?

They wouldn't know whether I have a DBS or not as I haven't completed the form they sent.

Op really don’t give this any further thought

if they are asking for chaperones then they’re breaking the law not asking for them to be licensed

It's never decent enough for programs like that.

Does the Dance Company pay for your DBS checks and provide safeguarding training I wonder? I suspect not.

They should have been clear about volunteering requirements before you signed up. You might have decided against it. I would tell them that.

Well in that case they will have to lump it, because I'm not paying for a babysitter so I can volunteer my time to a company who, by the end of the year, will have had about £800 out of us on top of several days unpaid labour from DD enabling them to make more money from their pre-school dance workshops.

I would love to know where all the money is actually going.

DDs' dance school used to say things like that but as they would have to get a chaperone licence and DBS check for anyone who did it, practically there were only a core of parents who could do it regularly. I did help once when I had a current DBS check for helping with school, but that was it.

Generally I think you are right that there is a very different obligation v a business that you pay £££ a term to and something like a community athletics club, brownies, or football club which costs ££ a year.

I mostly worked 4 days a week as a lawyer when DDs were small, and with a 1.5 hour each way commute, and still managed to be on the PTA committee for five years so that was my volunteering time used up AFAIWC, and there were plenty of parents who didn't work who had more time than me.