WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

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We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

but most people on that salary would make sure there's SOME savings in.

why would you have a large house, fancy cars and private schools but zero savings when something has already happened to cause 36k a year in debt repayments? sounds like a gambling, drugs or criminal situation given ops attitude to it.

Yes. Said he thought he’d get a higher paid role quickly but he didn’t. I was completely unaware.

Posts like this are exactly why I keep working even with a high earning husband.

SAHMs get lumped with all the jobs except an earning one and leave themselves open to being financially dependent. It's a fucking disaster of an error.

Get a job REGARDLESS of the outcome here.

Kindly, you make it sound like you are running Downtown Abbey. You have 2 kids 😂

I have previously found other roles he could apply to, made suggestions how to handle the situation at work, offered alternative view points,
I am sorry but you sound like a pain in the arse. You don't work, you have clearly no idea but you have a very high opinion of yourself.

I don’t think he has a high level of stress than I do.
you are adding to his stress if he has to support you on top of everything else.

I support SAHM completely, but you will have such a different view once you start working while juggling your 2 little ones.

who are you paying school fees for? has he got older kids with an ex?

I think OP is getting a bizarrely hard time here. She's not saying she wants him trapped forever in a job he hates, she's saying that the two of them have built a life with her being a sahm and him working. His high salary means they have made financial commitments that must be met. It's all very well to glibly say 'swap' but you know that's not how things work. If one of you does know how to walk into a 10k job then please share it.

Obviously it would be different if there was an accident or something terrible happened but going by the information op has shared, her DH is stressed, probably does need a new job but it's not an immediate emergency. They can look like rebalancing but why is he forcing a crisis?

If she turned round to say, I know we have built our lives on the fact I am a sahm and do school runs, manage house, look after the kids so you can work in a stressful, fulltime job that provides for us but I'm no longer fufilled so starting tomorrow I'll be a travelling yoga teacher and you're just going to have to figure out how to balance everything and that's a you problem. She would rightly have her arse handed to her.

I work and my husband is a stay at home dad. He could not walk into a job earning what I do overnight. If it was too much for me then we would sit down together and work out a plan because when we married, had children and entwined our lives, I became responsible for more than myself and decisions impact everyone.

It sounds as though he is struggling with his job OP.

Why would he take a lower paid position otherwise?

I understand what you mean about not just walking away abruptly, but it does sound as though his career needs a rethink. If I were you I'd support him in that rather than distracting him with a divorce, you both have debt and children and you need to get out of this.

What school fees when you've said you have kids pre-school age?

Because I would think it's impossible to go from a SAHM to earning £10, 000 a month maybe?

I think this is why women should always be financially independent. Because your whole life can be turned upside down on a whim.

OP one way or another it sounds to me as though you should be planning to go back to work.

And in the meantime seriously reduce your outgoings and save some money. Buy a cheap car outright, put the kids in state school until you’ve got a savings buffer. It’s absolutely ridiculous that he’s bringing this much in and you’ve not saved anything.

This way even if you manage to persuade him not to quit at the moment, if he suggests the same thing in 6 months (which I am betting he will), it won’t mean you’ve got bailiffs at the door and your car being repossessed within a couple of months.

And you are going to support yourself and the children how?

Have you made any effort to understand and support your husband?

Are you certain he is quitting, not being let go, and hasn’t felt able to tell you given he knew you wouldn’t react well.

I am main breadwinner earning around that, historically more. Those jobs are often very stressful. I’ve quit before at the absolute end of my rope, although in my case I told my husband the Friday and asked if he’d be ok with it, before handing in my notice on the Monday.

Divorce will only add to your problems - but get a job sharpish. You need pension savings and it sounds like not much is being saved there given the debt.

This was quite a while ago now and is nothing to do with his current role.

No, that’s not financial abuse.
Please at least read the definition of financial abuse before commenting.

It was deception to not tell his wife he had been demoted to a lower paid position, and then as a result they never adjusted their spending habits. But then given her saying she’s going to divorce him for quitting one job to get another one, I have to wonder if she has form for catastrophising and making threats whenever there is a financial set back that would require tightening the belt on money.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You are doing your side of the deal. He has abandoned his with no back up. I'd be fuming!

That's completely mad!

Well either way you’re going to have to make some massive changes in your lives together or separately. Absolutely time to talk about how to make your lives more manageable - smaller mortgage, state schools, whatever. £7K a month just for living expenses isn’t sustainable.

Appreciate you both made promises but clearly he’s unwilling or unable to do this forever so either you support him to step down and start working yourself (if you have school fees they’re school aged children so you have all day to work), or you walk away and start working towards a good career yourself to be the sole provider for 3 kids. The status quo won’t continue so what do you want to do from now?

Depends how much they spend, it really does not have to be criminal.

How much do you think people like the royal family spend on holidays? Luxury islands, luxury ski resorts, Will and Kate are always jetting off to fancy places. How much do you think it cost "normal" people to have the same holidays for example?

I am not making judgement, I can see how easy it is to have a VERY expensive lifestyle. Top end everything are always fully booked, holidays, restaurants, hotels, hairdressers, theatres.. someone is paying for all that.

i don’t really understand the point of this. This is their life and where they are. They can’t go back in time and become good with money?!

although OP I earn the same as him and I’m gobsmacked at £150k credit card debt. I’m amazing that’s possible, it seems bizarre that so many credit card companies loaned him high limits one after another. I get offered £10k odd.

im surprised the minimum repayment is only £3k tbh

btw that debt will highly likely come out of the marital pot in the divorce so you’ll be paying half of it.

honestly op, just leave.

you have poor communication and zero respect. no one knows if he didn't tell you out of ego or fear, but clearly this isn't a functional relationship. you have two kids he's disinterested in and you feel like he doesn't listen to you.

do you have any access to money? family you can move to? you can't afford to keep the house but when it sells you should get somethings so get some legal advice and move on.

you need to accept that's no longer your lifestyle. the kids are young enough to adjust well

Well sounds like he’s supported your dream of SAHM for much longer than he should have. It’s clear to me that the lifestyle you wanted is unaffordable. You are going to have to become a dual income family like most of the world.

Yes agreed. She can divorce if she wants, it doesn’t need to be justified

This. Having been in the position of quitting a job due to absolute burnout, you need support from your partner, not threats of divorce on top.

I’d have been so furious if a non-earning partner had behaved like the OP.

I don't believe the situation is as you describe. For a start, you say the children are under 5 and that it's hard work to look after them but gave school fees to pay.

You got £150k in debts because you continued with the same lifestyle even though you knew your OH had taken a lower paid job.

You think his job is just to finance a privileged lifestyle.

What's coming across is that you're only interested in your OH for the lifestyle he can offer you, a lifestyle that involves much leisure.

OP has likely helped accumulate the debt too

Why do you presume it’s the life style I’ve dreamt of?

DH admits he was too embarrassed to admit that his position was lower paid than he said. It’s him who wanted me to be a SAHM, and for us to have ‘this’ lifestyle as opposed to it being me demanding things of him!