WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

Do you have a plan to feed your own children?

A poster said he earns 150K. He does not. He would have to earn at least 200K to have a take home pay of 10K a month, in fact more if he contributes to a pension.

It would be feckless not to contribute to a pension but there is a clear thread running through this couple's marriage.

Yawn I agree with the other poster that saying you are Indispensable as a STAHM to his career is just what STAHP say to justify their contribution (especially when it comes to divorce). Lone and single parents manage to hold down careers and raise children all by themselves

While I see why you would be upset especially given he quit without discussing with you and no plan in place, I voted YABU because it seems the only reason you're with him is the financial security.

When you divorce him how are you going to pay your bills?

And frankly I don't get why women continue to put themselves in this position, your married to a man who eaten £10k a month yet you have to control over money or any backup plan or savings or nothing and now if you leave your earnings potentially is significantly lower.

Well you seem happy for your child to be educated by strangers so 🤷

He sounds very over-dramatic, and rather selfish too: leaving an extremely well paid role with nothing to replace it is borderline stupidity in my book.
How is he going to explain that to future employers? It’s not the action of a responsible person, even more so when you consider the likely effect on his family.
Has he explained what he will say to the DC, both now & when he is unable to meet his financial obligations to them?
If he goes ahead & enacts this little tantrum, he needs to be properly aware that there’s very little chance of a positive outcome for him, his career, and the people whom he should love more than anyone else.

Yeah, so to be honest, where i've seen this before.Your husband is probably planning to divorce you.What will generally happen in this is he will quit his job and then the divorce process will begin in a few months.He will push for fifty fifty.And you will receive no maintenance.But also, you will have no assets to split other than what you have now. But to be honest, from what you're saying, it doesn't feel like you're well suited to each other as the high earner in my family, if I ever had seen my wife post anything like this, it would lead to divorce. It's like having your enemy in your bedroom. Imagine struggling at work and being told that unless you bring in money you're going to leave, you should leave, you should find someone that thinks like you. But yeah, generally, when someone leaves a high-earning position and people do have conversations with their actual workplace, it's to prepare for the exit, and the best thing to do is to leave your job. I hope you have some other way to support yourself or you've planned what to do if your husband no longer had money, because for you saying that all he has to do is bring in the money, that thing that he's doing is paying for your whole life, the things that you are doing will not. Keep you in your house. They will not give your children food, and they will not pay the Bills or give you electricity, I get the impression if it's at the point where he's quitting his job.Then, there isn't much hope of recovery here, but respectfully being married to someone like you would be my absolute worst nightmare.

Yeah obviously we don't know all the circumstances but even with £3k going on debt repayment that's crazy.

This all sounds like your relationship is poor, and you don't have each others backs. It seems like you don't really respect each other, and you just see him as someone who should be stepping up and providing for you and the kids no matter what.

You say you are a SAHM because that's what he prefers. What do you prefer? What do you want to do?

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you are both on board with it. But it sounds like you don't trust him (and given the debt, I can understand that). But if you don't trust him, why in the world are you putting all your financial security in his hands. That's a huge risk for you, and a huge stress for him. How would divorcing help with this? You'd have no money at all, possibly not even child maintenance if he's quit his job!

You both need to sit down, discuss it, and have a plan going forward. No school fees is a given - you have a massive debt, and state school will be fine, especially at primary age. You need to get a job, even just part time, so that the money side of things doesn't all fall to him, and he needs to look for another job before quitting (unless his mental or physical health is at risk), while also helping with parenting. If it pays less, so be it, you will both have to just adjust.

I've been there (less the massive debt). I had 3 kids under 5 when my DH came home and said that he didn't want to go back to his job as it was stressing him out too much - he really hated it. I never questioned it, because if he hated it so much, who was I to say he had to go and do it for years to come. So he quit and served his months notice, then got some temporary work while he looked for something more permanent. I upped my hours at my part-time job, and set up a small home business. Eventually DH got a full time job on a fraction of what he had been paid before, but it meant that he was home more, so I could increase my home business. Yes, we had much less money overall than before, but our work/life balance was better, we both worked and also both parented. That was 20 years ago, and both of us being around for the kids growing up was the best thing that could have happened to us.

He’s being very selfish. Is there a reason why he cannot wait until he finds another job? I’m concerned that you both failed to save any money on his salary?! As a person who has a track record for leaving his job without having another, he really ought to cut down on his spending and start saving up. Perhaps sell the property and down size, cancel private nursery and school. Look at your outgoings and reduce them.

This. Sorry OP but this insistence that sahms are essential for high earning partners is a fallacy that makes sahms feel better about their role

So true.

Right now he needs a solution that’s not walking away - I suggest he gets signed off with something or other like flu so he takes a brief break from the situation and so he can realise he’s being idiotic with his families security.

He then needs to work out where he’s going to jump to next and where you all cut your cloth, such as your 5 year old starting a free school and household budgets being tightened and credit card use is for emergencies and not luxuries.

Whether you divorce this guy is not a screaming urgency - him packing in his job is. You can plan your exit after you stabilise the ship.

An agreement has been made that all are happy with?
....until one isn't any longer. If it was you who decided you didn't want to be a sahm and suddenly had a great opportunity to study or start a new career, and you suggested some of his money pay towards childcare....and his answer was 'no, you agreed to be a sahm, that was the deal, you need to continue doing so and no way are the children being looked by a stranger', and when you said well I'm doing it, he told you he was divorcing you, how much would you think he cares and loves you as a person?

What would you receive financially if you were to divorce him?

His financial obligations to his children are simply to contribute 50% of the cost of basic housing, clothing and food. They have a second parent who is equally obligated to provide the other 50%.

He’s on £10k a month (that’s 4 months of wages for me) so you should be mortgage free or have a very low mortgage! You’ve bought a house way above your means. Cars could be bought outright too instead of finance. I’m not sure how you’re in £150k debt when he’s brining in £120k a year. He needs to find another job and change his lifestyle before giving up his current job.

The debt and him not caring for his dc would be good reasons to divorce.

edit - school fees? You don’t need a SAHP if the children are at school.

Is there a reason why he cannot wait until he finds another job?
The reason is usually a big pay out to go right away. He is probably not overly concerned because it will support the family for months, reducing outgoings and he'll find another job.

However OP only cares about having to make adjustments to her lifestyle. Worse, he'll be home and see how she is not half as busy as what she's been telling him she is!

They have joint financial obligations - they don't just sit with one person in an equal partnership. The OP sounds equally selfish. Both of them have been incredibly reckless to run up £150k of debt with a monthly income of 10k and huge monthly outgoings.

I am so sorry this is happening. I don't understand the people saying you're a gold digger etc as if he suddenly quits tomorrow you guys have absolutely no income, no savings, massive debt and school fees etc not to mention mortgage and bills.

I would tell him that if he quits tomorrow and drops you in the sh*t like that then I'd divorce him. I would 100% support him getting another job/ finding a new role but he can't just give up and push you all into financial ruin!

Yes, you could put the children in state school but 1) There's no guarantee of places 2) Kids would be awfully upset if they didn't get to say goodbye to friends/ were suddenly dropped into a new school with no warning. There are the emotional impacts of that to consider.

I'd suggest to him that you'd support him seeking a new role but he needs to cut back spending, try and clear as much of the debt as possible, get savings behind you WHILST looking for a new job and continuing his role until he gets a new job secured.

I'd be furious if we were suddenly dropped into an awful situation, you can't just do that when you have responsibilities and so much debt. He needs to compromise a bit to give them breathing space. I wouldn't stay with someone who thought it was acceptable.

Situations like redundancy are shocking and awful enough but to choose to drop your family in it like this (and from what OP is saying, it's not entirely stressful but just difference of opinion on a project) so isn't an extreme or exceptional circumstance to damage the family situation like this. OP can support him through finding a new job but can also have very valid feelings about him saying he will 'quit tomorrow'! That doesn't make her a gold digger or only caring about money... it means she is looking out for her family and trying to keep a roof over their heads!

He's probably earning around 250 k if the 10k/month is his net income.

He absolutely could though.

But what’s YOUR plan to feed your kids? Because if you divorce him and he has no job, what do you intend to live on?

Yes, exactly. I have always been a high earner and guess what - I have done this as a LONE parent - with no help. Yes, I have done my job, looked after my child, kept the house going, etc.

Good luck raising your kids as a single parent if their father has no income to pay child support. That will work well for you all

If you’re in so much debt, why didn’t you get a job too? That’s what most families who are in debt do - cut down on their excess spending, downsize their house, up their working hours for more pay.
If he is bringing in 10K a month and the debt payments are 3k, that leaves you with 7k income. Most people dream of that amount.