WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

You sound horrible and tbh he would be better off without you.

He's been sacked and doesn't want to admit it.

You don’t like him very much, he doesn’t like you very much. Neither of you respect what the other does.

This is an unsuccessful marriage, and unless both of you are able to make the compromises of either or all of a) staying in the high-earning job b) immediately downsizing c) intense coupled counselling, then I’m afraid your marriage (and your lifestyle) is over.

You need to get the kids into state schools, sell your house, end the leases on your cars, and possibly also declare bankruptcy if the debt can’t be brought down to a manageable level. You’ll also need to get a job.

OP why are you just arguing with the critical posters and ignoring the ones helping with divorce advice?

Well we carried on as we always had - I never knew his salary had dropped else I would haven given up certain luxuries for sure.

They both sound pretty useless at budgeting. OP says she runs the household by herself, I wonder if that includes the decisions on what to buy ? And how much money is spent on the household? If so, could she really have been in the dark about spending far exceeding income? Perhaps being a SAHM meant she really doesn’t know the value of money? And how her lifestyle must have been beyond the means of a £120k annual salary?

It’s different though if you know about it than if it is being hidden from you. To rack up so much debt through deception is awful behaviour. He is lucky OP stayed then,
I would have run a mile.

I honestly don't think it's being a SAHM in itself the problem, it's the lifestyle!

The OP would need a hell of a good job to keep up with that lifestyle, and pay for childcare on top of everything.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You are doing your side of the deal. He has abandoned his with no back up. I'd be fuming!
So if OP suddenly struggled massively with her MH and couldn't look after the kids, should his response be that she is totally unreasonable, stick to it because it's not that hard to only look after the kids and house and if she can't continue with it and do a good job at it, he'll just divorced because he is so angry at her giving up?

You say you have school fees but two kids below school age. You can't afford private school.

FFS didn’t you notice that the wages coming in were much less? Or open a credit card statement/ online account? 150k? You need to be selling your house and giving the car back to pay this off, not planning for private school.

Why oh why are so many women happy to play the little wifey and completely sign over their financial independence on a whim. When they have kids too. Just beggars belief.

I assumed initially it was his cos she hadn't done anything to help pay it. now it transpires he took a lower paid job but didn't change his lifestyle so they racked up 150k on credit cards.

Kindly @Ilovechristmasssssssssssss I think you are potentially over reacting. Someone who is earning £10K post-tax and pension per month is likely to be in a highly stressful and pressurised role. Normally people factor in a bit of head room, in case the going gets tough so they can exit quickly for these sorts of roles and bank savings. But this doesn't sound like it here. Secondly, he will have a much better sense of the job market and potential for a new role than you will so he may already be thinking about his next move. Equally he may not be telling you the whole story and you need to do some digging before you jump to hasty conclusions.

As someone who has done similar, I suspect this will not end up being the disaster you think it is. You clearly have options to rein in spending in the medium to longer term if you need to. And you can probably do something in the shorter term. Life is never perfect and you have a choice either support him, or you take a long look at the relationship and see whether this is really the issue or whether there are longer term things you both need to work on. Equally - really, you need to be keeping a track on family spending too. It isn't all down to him.

Why are you paying school fees when your two children are below school age?

If you divorce him, you’ll have to get a job anyway, so it’s up to you. Stay together and get a job, or split up and get a job.

He is not useless if he is bringing home £120K. Jobs like that are generally stressful and I certainly went through a stage where I did very little in the home because after 10.5 hours a day of a very stressful job I was cooked and done. My husband, who worked full time, picked up the slack of cooking, shopping and childcare. He’s an absolute hero and I’m so grateful.

She needs to get a job. Finances these days don’t generally allow for SAHM, and it’s not the “job” it used to be when there were no dishwashers or ready-prepared pastry.

If she divorces she’ll have to get work anyway so she might as well get prepared.

bit much?

Fuck me op, £150000 of debt?? It sounds like you guys should've downsized a while ago.

If you are paying fees for your kids I would assume they are in nursery, so being a sahm would seem not that pressured really? Or you don't have that as an expense. I think you're possibly telling some slight porkies somewhere here!

Basically, you guys live way, way, WAY beyond your means, and neither of you want to admit it. It's probably all too much for your husband at this point and he's having a bit of a breakdown. You both need to accept the reality of your situation. You need a job, he can't quit, you need to rein your lifestyle in, and you need to sort out the debt. Come at this from a place of you're both needing to make changes to sort this out. You can't make proper decisions when you have that hanging over you. I would consider divorce once you've got a handle on that but not before.

OP, you need to be putting your full attention and effort into working out how you are going to get a job quickly. Finding a job should take full priority at the moment, not deciding on whether to get a divorce.

Similarly, your DH needs to be placing all his efforts into finding another job. This should have taken priority over quitting his current position.

Both you and your DH sound remarkably well-matched. You both prefer to throw your toys out of the pram rather than recognise your responsibilities.

What? I didn’t know he had accepted a lower paid job.

I am not the initiator of the majority of our big spends. DH cares much more than me about having a certain lifestyle. I am prepared to cut back a lot more than DH is.

I’m angry as I know that DH wants to quit his job but will carry on spending as if he hasn’t.

Including the school fees for the DC you say don't go to school?

@Ilovechristmasssssssssssss you should delete this thread and start a new one laying out everything in your initial post as there is a fair bit of drip feeding that isn’t helping the repossess you get as you will continue to be accused of being a gold digger even though I don’t believe that to be true.

Ultimately, you don’t need a reason to divorce someone. But you need to be prepared for further hidden debt, the fact that he has chosen not to work and the fact that he will likely Not be a great father and do 50/50.

Whether you decide to stay or not, you need a job. You need to start earning to put money aside to support yourself and your future. This man is not trustworthy with finances. You need to start both dealing with them and working through your debts - there is a lot of help out there for debt, even here if you’re honest about what you owe.

Either way, good luck. Don’t keep your head in the sand though, this situation is not working for any of you.

It’s kind of dangerous not to have your own job. It’s a choice I suppose. For ten thousand a month he will almost definitely have alot of stress. Then a load of debt , big mortgage sole earner, school fees .I feel burned out even thinking about it tbf
..I’d sell buy smaller with a smaller mortgage put the kids in local schools and both get less stressful jobs.

i don’t have access to the account in which bills are paid from.

You've never had a job but you think it will be so easy to be a single parent to two young children and work full time?!

But if you want to do it, do it. Nobody can stop you.

The debt is in his name and likely consists of things OP bought, the luxuries she said she would have given up if she had known about the lower pay. I don’t believe she was so much in the dark that she couldn’t have had an inkling her administration of the household was one of spend, spend, spend beyond their means.