WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

He says no.

OP, Is this about more than just the job? You say he does nothing with the kids at all and the debt issues, do you think maybe this is the last straw for you?

If it is then by all means make plans to leave, would he have the kids 50/50 so that you can work and set up your own life?

You both sound totally hopeless at managing your finances. If your Dh earns £10K A month why on earth havent you got any savings. So your outgoings must be high unless one of you has a gambling problem. So how exactly are you going to manage with neither of you earning? Sounds like he can't take any more of his stressful job so is resigning.

Is he suffering burnout, stress and mental breakdown? Sometimes these things cannot be put into words, cannot be expressed because of perceived stigma. Perhaps he could talk it out with a mental health professional? If he's earning that sort of money it must be a very pressurised job.

You married in sickness and health, richer and poorer and to potentially throw it away at a time when you husband might actually need you seems a little shallow.

Clearly it isn’t because you’ve no way of housing or feeding your kids if he doesn’t have a job. What if he lost the job through no fault of his own like redundancy? What would the plan be then?

This is just another in a long line of examples on here of why the SAHP/WOHP dynamic is bad all round. His “one job” means he’s a hands off dad who doesn’t know how to parent his own kids and your “one job” means you can’t provide for your children if anything happened to him. Wouldn’t it be ease resentment on both sides if you both provided for the children equally, both financially and at home?

well this is the problem with half a story.

he's paying 36k a year in debt, you may well be perfectly reasonable to leave on that reason - gambling, crime etc

you're outgoings beyond this are 7k a month, you may well be perfectly reasonable to leave on that reason - CSA for other extra marital kids, gambling, drugs etc.

it's unclear if his only role in your life is to provide money is a mutual choice. you may well be reasonable for leaving on this basis - he is disinterested in his kids or your family life, expects to pay the bills, and you cater to his every needs and keep the kids away from him etc

but all we have to go on is something has happened at work sufficient for him to threaten to quit immediately, possibly breaching his contract regards notice periods, and you're saying you want to leave him because he now has no money for you.

Yes that’s fair enough if his actions are a ‘deal breaker’ for you.

My father once did this, unilaterally, after a period of difficulty at work that had affected his mental health. He hadn’t sought any help for his health and had been an arse at home when stressed. He was then unemployed for nearly two years and never got as well paid job again, though he did get one that paid OK and that he enjoyed.

Mum was furious, but I don’t think she considered ending the marriage. She already worked full time (earned much less) and her salary and their savings covered the mortgage and essentials but it was financially difficult. We were teenagers.

You don't get £10k per month for a job that consists of emails, typing and meetings.

Is there actually a huge amount of stress - and is he worried about propping up a high maintenance life?

It's only when I got sacked from a (slightly lower) higher powered job and work at a lower level that I realise how much stress I was under.

Money is important, but it doesn't trump continued existence and needing parents.

It’s not hard. A big mortgage, car payments, school fees..

Him being sole earner doesn’t excuse him being a poor parent.

Surely the debt shows you can't rely on him?

He sounds unstable and it sounds like you are trying to stabilise him to make the family work.

If everything is down to you apart from making the money it puts you in a hugely exposed and vulnerable position. However from experience, if your H won't do anything to contribute domestically working in a high pressure job is extremely difficult, if not impossible as a mother.

I think if you want to stay with him depends if you are willing to put up with an unreliable and unstable life partner with enormous earning potential but major soft skills problems which means he can't actually cope with the pressure of the job.

In your situation I would leave , yes, if this was the last straw and support the children myself. 50 50 is painful though.

Yes I think so. I have always felt I do far more than my fair share.

So I think him abandoning his bit feels like the last straw for me.

you offered advice, suggestions.. while not getting a job yourself?

Unlike MN, I have no problem whatsoever with SAHM, it's a perfectly valid choice, but you are completely unreasonable by showing no sympathy and understanding to the only adult supporting the entire family. You have none of the pressure of the job, the hours of work, the actual life he is living, and you make "suggestions".

What "support" do you actually think you are really offering? apart from being sympathetic.

If you haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time in 6 months because your babies don't let you, how do you think a "poor you" is actually helping?

Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.
it's far from ideal, and far from cheap, but come on...

If he has such a high paid job, he's not stupid, why can't he find something better even if it pays less?

but there's clearly more going on here and op seems unwilling to understand. even the "well I'm here despite debt", without context is meaningless cos she's not paying it

You don’t need an excuse to leave. If you’re done with your marriage then you’re done with your marriage. You can start proceedings, get the house sold and reset up your life. Without a job he won’t pay you anything and he may not take them 50/50
if he is a fairly disinterested father.

If you’re definitely done then end it. If you have any doubts then you need to have some serious talks.

People have outgoings matching their income, that's pretty normal. What's the point of earning certain amounts if you don't use them? Bigger mortgage, private schools, it adds up quickly.

Its managing just as well as someone having a smaller mortgage or smaller rent because they earn less.

Him not looking for other jobs before quitting is a bit much

@HJC88
I was thinking of burnout, the I quit over having an unworkable, insulting (far too junior) or unethical project dumped on you could be burnout. Could even be constructive dismissal if the upper management know it’s the kind of project that he would walk away from.

I came close to quitting a job when I was asked to run a project where the idea was to train emergency mountain rescue by dropping farm animals out of helicopters so they’d at least break a leg and the medics would then zip line down and practice their human mountain rescue skills on the animals they’d just deliberately injured or potentially killed. I dug my heels in and said no. I refuse on ethical grounds. This project should be scrapped and it’s probably illegal. I even submitted my resignation letter that evening and went home to tell my husband I was probably out of a job. Well it scared them enough to get a legal opinion and turned out I was right and they scrapped the project so I kept working there until I found another employer and left as the whole episode made me feel like I was with the wrong outfit.

When you are married, the debt your spouse accumulates is your debt too. You are responsible for it equally. Having been in that situation it was absolutely horrendous - financial abuse - and if one spouse is saying I'm running up debt, tough you will have to suck it up too - that is an incredibly destabilising position to be in .

Op what is the debt? Does he have form for this?

If you divorce a man with no job and massive debts who doesn't do childcare how would that be any better?
You would have to get a job to support your children as he'd be doing no parenting and contributing no money?

Are you sure about that?, He sounds flaky and hopelessly unrealistic. Something may be wrong at work.

it will mean getting a job however, and despite what people think because they have different priorities, someone who chose to sacrifice things to become a SAHM is allowed to take 5mn to take in she will no longer be there as much for the kids.

It's ok to have kids and believe you can afford to be around. It's absolutely valid, just as valid as wanting to go back to work as soon as your maternity leave is over.

I understand you being worried and frustrated. But angry is all what you seem to be. You are showing no sign of even the smallest bit of compassion or willingness to understand what got him to that point.

He would be better off without you. He'll find another job, a new partner who doesn't believe he is the only one responsible for financially supporting the family and live a new life with a lot less stress.

So you are already living beyond your means with even the £10k a month. If he quits his job you will be heading towards financial ruin. Which has be brought about by a head in the sand approach.

I think you are suggesting it because it is the only way you have to hit out at him and feel you have some control over his choice. Put differently, it's a kind of tantrum.

I understand you are frustrated but I don't think divorcing is going to help you or your dc one bit. Sit down with him and make a plan like grown ups.

You come across really harsh. If his take home pay is £120k after tax and pension then he has a good job.

This is the solution:

1. he gets a lower stress job, leaves you and has the kids 50:50. He will be happier and learn how to enjoy his kids
2. the kids go to state school (why on earth do you have them in private if you have so much debt?)
3. you get a job like a normal person and figure out how hard it is to be a working parent, maybe learn some empathy and humility while you’re at it