WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

Every one is a stranger until you get to know them . Strangers can become friends better than family.

What??? Who’s nabbing whose money?! An agreement has been made that all are happy with?

Divorce be aside you don’t like him. But regardless, you can’t afford private school fees so move to a state school asap

so youre married to a man who would rather another family member (presumably fairly distant since they don’t help you now) moved in to look after his children JUST AFTER THEIR MOTHER DIED rather than get a job that doesn’t involve travel?

did you really believe him when he told you that? 😂 c’mon OP. Get some sense!

What if they die/are incapacitated/change their mind?

So what?!
My job did the same for less money. You arrange child care and time off with your partner. You don’t want a ‘stranger’ with your kids as much as him otherwise you’d never have agreed to be a SAHM. You can’t put the nature of your partnership all on him, you chose to be a SAHM, your values probably align on subjects like day care for toddlers and latch key kids.

Of course he can leave or be fired from a job. He can declare bankruptcy and the assessors would step in for him. Selling/liquidating assets. Happened to friend's of ours. Luckily her dad had bought a house for let so she moved in there.

My dad worked abroad. Mum still worked and my dad earned a fraction of what your DH does. Being a SAHM is nice but not absolutely essential.

They both would prefer this. This was discussed and agreed on.
It sounds too like neither want the DH to be a hands on dad. That his only function is to be daddy moneybags.

I'd have rather grown up with strangers (assuming you mean childcare providers) than an absent dad and a bitter mum.

Erm… yes, but clearly not for the lifestyle that you desire.

I’ve not read all your replies but to be blunt OP you sound incredibly angry and unsupportive of your husband. I am presuming from the few replies I have read that there is an ongoing issue with money/debts etc so you may be harbouring some anger but just walking out on your marriage is definitely not going to make life easier, for anyone. You don’t sound like you love him much, your marriage sounds a little transactional and like you might just be in it for the lifestyle. If this isn’t the case then it is how it is coming across.

good luck with whatever you choose but life doesn’t always work out how you wish, sometimes you’ve got to step up and take control.

Why does him working abroad mean he needs a SAHM? Like most working people, I work but am home overnight... I agree it's very hard to have two people in senior jobs who travel for work without a nanny, but most people manage two working parents with at least one in a more normal job without a nanny just fine.

It sounds like you too haven't been a team for a long time - I agree he doesn't have your back, but nor do you have his. Like others, if DH came home and said he couldn't stand one more day at work despite the financial circumstances I'd be really worried. The debt he ran up is a terrible betrayal, and I would consider it marriage ending, more because he's not communicating honestly with you than anything else. You clearly don't like him and it sounds like he's certainly not emotionally open with you. Divorce is a perfectly reasonable choice for all these reasons - but you need to accept that you will then need to work!

Is it your debt?

I hope this post is bullshit.

I hope there aren't women out there removing themselves from any ability or responsibility for financially supporting themselves and their children while having "no visibility" over the money coming in. Who become SAHM's because their husband wants them to. Who put their children in private school (aged 4) despite having £150k of debt. Who think that "running the household" of a toddler and baby is the equivalent level of stress as someone working to bring in £120k net a year and recuse themselves from anything to do with finances. Who when their husband says he's had enough and needs to walk away think they are just moaning and think they'll be better off single.

If this is true, you are a foolish woman. Your DH is probably pretty shitty too - deceiving you over finances and controlling over your own earning potential. But look at what you've brought your children into. Both of you.
You have joint responsibilities to care for these children. Step up FGS.

No. She is not 'nitpicking. All these SAHM who say their darling husbands couldn't do what they do if they were not at home are seriously deluded. Thousands of people up and down the country do this juggle. Yes its hard. Yes its not ideal. Yes it comes with sacrifices. But for anyone, man or woman, believe that they are the only reason their husband can do his job because she is a SAHM is batshit. Its just not true

He isnt happy though, clearly. And agreements change all the time.

Well, apparently he told you once before and 150k of debt later....🤷‍♀️

Long standing financial issues and yet you still have no access. Same issues cropping up and yet you haven't done a thing to protect yourself or your children financially. So much debt and yet you didn't seem to change anything to make sure it didn't happen again.
If you choose to turn a blind eye to protect your lifestyle, I'm not sure why you feel a victim in all of this. Regardless, you can divorce him for any reason you like and you don't need permission to do so.

Because my DH wouldn’t be able to do his job without me being a SAHM?
He absolutely would. And will, should you choose to leave.

You'll be far worse off and likely if for a real shock by 'going it alone'. You have no savings and don't work. I think you're husband is being irresponsible for resigning, but this might be making him ill in which case it is best to quit. However, your response is quite interesting, you want to divorce him over this which is an incredibly disproportionate response and widly irresponsible, almost as a "fuck you' to him, so yes YABU.

I always find posts like this really hard. I know people who say stuff like this irl too.

The vast majority of the population who are parents of young children work. Whether they are male or female, they work to some degree. It may be from home, it may be part time or term time only or whatever but they work and earn money. The vast majority of those people do this because it would be impossible to pay for an acceptable standard of living without 2 incomes. And/or because things like retirement provision with pensions is also important.

Most people (like nearly everyone) makes this work. They use paid for childcare, friend swaps, neighbours and other parents, wider family helpers etc. It is mostly a bit of a scramble and logistically tricky but they make it work.

Very few people are in a position to just say they won't and they can't work.

My dh works away at the whim of his job. He earns much less than OP dh. I work more than ft and some of it it is shift work. I have always worked.

My dc have not been brought up by strangers. My dc have never had a nanny. My dc are more than fine.

This. With bells on. OP you are deluded if you think he is doing ONE thing, and you are doing 'everything else'. His 'one thing' contains 100s of tasks that combined is at the very least as challenging as your 'doing everything else'.

@Ilovechristmasssssssssssss would need to be very beautiful/desirable to pull another man with two children in tow. She has nothing else to offer unfortunately at this time.

Why don't women like this have a good education, job skills to offer sigh.,

Totally agree . False superiority.

Wild amounts of judgement on this post. Sorry people have been so mean. There appears to be financial abuse and control. First thing you need access to ALL financial information to see exactly what position you are in. No major decisions should be made alone in a marriage without discussion

All these issues aside, you need a plan for if his job disappears. Your family is very vulnerable relying on one income. I got diagnosed with cancer and literally couldn’t go back to work the next day. Poof, like that, a 20 year career gone. I would never be able to re-enter my old industry. That was 2 years ago and I’ve not worked since. Thankfully, Dh and I both always worked and he is the higher earner and could pick up the slack.

If your Dh got ill and couldn’t work (and maybe from a mental health perspective, that’s exactly what’s happening), you are now seeing how far up shit creek you are without a plan B.

It sounds like this is the last straw in a long tale. I don’t think divorcing him full stop would ease a lot of your issues; as a (children grown up now) single mum I would never ever advise someone to be a single Mum unless it can be avoided. It’s bloody hard work and relentless. However, the key thing is communication with your spouse. Why is he disregarding your need to understand where the money will come from? Can you work out a plan together? If that’s not possible then that is really the issue isn’t it. Next step is to see what you can salvage and whether there is any hope. If not then you need to make a plan….