WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

The “support” she is offering is looking after their house, their children and all their administrative responsibilities so that he can concentrate on his job. It’s unfair to say she hasn’t supported him whilst in the same breath you say you support SAHM.

Doing absolutely everything in a home whilst raising kids isn’t easy. I work part time and have a great husband so 8’ve no experience but I feel for women who have useless partners. He may be stressed and having a shit time, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t either. She can’t just quit the kids and cooking his dinner, I bet he would have a lot to say if she did.

You are living beyond your means then. His attitude is infuriating but you are surely at least partly responsible for this?

Except he isn’t abandoning his bit. He isn’t refusing to work and join you as a SAHP. He is saying he needs to change to another job now and for reasons that you haven’t really asked about, they may be a gap in employment but he is confident you’d get through it. You’ve only mentioned the worst case scenario of downsizing the house, why aren’t you thinking of the most likely scenario? It seems you are catastrophising.

No I haven’t ever gotten a job myself. We have two children both below school age.

I may not have the pressure of a job, but I have the pressure of looking after a baby and a toddler single-handedly and running a household by myself. I don’t think he has a high level of stress than I do.

I have previously found other roles he could apply to, made suggestions how to handle the situation at work, offered alternative view points, given him days to relax by taking the children away by myself Etc.

Surely you’re married to ‘the man’…….not his earning potential? Shallow springs to mind OP!

Hang on, why the school fees if both children are under 5?

This conversation may have already been had, but if they won't want your husband to leave, has he got any leverage over the project? Surely it would be better all round for the company to find a compromise solution that allows for him to stay and still get the project done? Quitting does rather seem to be the nuclear option.

Sorry. But spending 7k a month on school fees, car payments and mortgage is hard for the majority of people to understand!! Thankfully those all sound like things that can be changed quickly (give cars back, put kids in state education and downsize / move to less expensive area). That will have to be the case if you stay with him or not but the sound of it.

He took a lower paid position at one point, but didn’t tell me it was lower paid. Our life style didn’t change and the total debt was over £150,000 on credit cards without my knowledge.

What school fees are you paying if your kids are below school age?

Drive older cars; buy a house you can afford.

You don’t like him at all, do you?

I’d be worried about your DHs mental health because he’s clearly not thinking straight.

At his level no one quits without either a package or something to go to where they’re off setting his lack of bonus/equity with a sign on bonus.

If as you suggests he has 2.5 options

1. he finds something else and leaves
2. he stays but ramps down everything that is causing him stress. No meetings after 6, no dealing directly with Bob, whatever. If work don’t like it they can get rid with a package

the .5 option is he goes to his leadership and says this isn’t working. Family/health etc. let’s agree an exit solution. It’s half an option because sometimes companies can play hard ball but in all likelihood they don’t want drama, will appreciate continuity and will pay him to exit smoothly.

But walking out is a fools game and in your situation I would be deeply pissed off if he decided to to that when there are sensible options

By the way - my dh earns similarly. We own our modest home outright. We don’t have car finance. Our kids go to a nice local comprehensive. My dh does at least 60% of the parenting.

Four years ago he was burning out in his job. Because we have lived sensibly within our means, he was able to quit his job and take the summer off. It was life-changing and the husband I got back at the end of his four months off, was a happier, healthier more energised version of my dh. I was so happy that I could support him to do that - it was expensive but so worth it.

Op I'm going to have to help you out here - solo parenting a baby and a toddler is without doubt very hard. I too have done this. I also have a very highly paid, very stressful job. I can absolutely assure you that when you are earning upwards of 120k there is an incredibke amount of pressure. It will be in different forms for sure - but it will be there . And this pressure takes enormous toll over time if wellbeing and overall health are not prioritised.

I do think you are lacking compassion here.

OP just divorce. You’ll get at least half of everything but you will be expected to work full time to meet your living expenses

the issue is you can’t threaten or try and manipulate him, or give him ultimatums. He is an adult and he has decided to quit with all that entails. You can decide you don’t want to be married to that, but there’s no point trying to change it. This is who he is.

School fees for a baby and a toddler? What?

Op, kindly you piling on threat of divorce isn’t constructive right now. I know you’re scared/angry but that needs to go on pause as your DH is saying he is in crisis and is at risk of making irrational choices.

The top priority is getting dh to realise that he needs to exit with a plan. Whilst it’s incredibly satisfying to fantasize about leaving in a blaze of ‘fuck you’ the reality is most people are transactional cogs in a machine who are replaceable. The job market is pretty much universally dreadful and showing he will just leave for no reason sends a potentially alarming signal to future employers.

If he is really at the end of his tether, he should take annual leave or sick leave, and use the breathing space for a week or two to figure something out. There are so many routes to easing the pressure on him and this self destruct button on his career and your self destruct button on your marriage are absolutely not it.

Exactly. It’s the equivalent of me saying “I’m no longer looking after the kids - I’m going back to work tomorrow so you need to have them”, whilst he’s working…

Why are you paying school fees if you have a baby and a toddler?

That is financial abuse on his part towards you.

Honestly, you sound like a bit of a gold digger faced with being cut off at the wallet, rather than a supportive spouse.

£150k of debt on credit cards and he didn’t tell you?! Holy shit OP.

That’s great for you, but this isn’t the position we are in!

How on Earth do you get through 7k a month without prioritising saving?!

That seems incredibly irresponsible - especially when you’re relying on a sole breadwinner. What if he was sacked? Or long term sick?

Obviously, he should have discussed with you before handing in his notice, but I think you’re being very unreasonable to threaten divorce in response - a marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

If you have been feeling , for a while, that you can't rely on him, he's a crap father and husband and now he's not even going to be bringing in a salary.....I'd consider divorce too.

Who knows when he'll throw his toys out next?

Have you not read her updates? £150k of secret debt. Yeah, she is really clinging on to those purse strings. He is screwing them all over financially.