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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was told a few weeks ago I have Crohn's but on holiday my husband just did this AIBU

185 replies

Corfudreaming · Yesterday 15:03

He brought back a huge haul of pastries- not only do our daughters 17 and 13 need to watch their weight (and he is about 4 stone overweight too) I cannot eat gluten.
It's not just a few treats - it two bags of donuts, pies, bread and custard donut things.
there are a couple of oat biscuits but I think they've got wheat in them. I have just really found out I have Crohn's disease and it is making me feel quite low that I can't enjoy the foods I used to. I have been trying to avoid wheat and some dairy products for awhile now because I noticed they were causing issues with my stomach. I've been really careful about my diet over the last few years and I was hoping to enjoy the old donut on holiday but obviously I can't. Am I being unreasonable to be angry at this?

OP posts:
LateLifeReturnee · Today 14:11

MissConductUS · Yesterday 15:09

I have ulcerative colitis, which is a closely related disease to Crohn's. They are caused by your immune system attacking the lining of the colon, so it's not really related to diet.

How were you diagnosed with Crohn's?

I have found some dietary changes have helped with my colitis and research has backed this up.

I agree though having to be strict on avoiding wheat is more celiac.

Travelismymiddlename · Today 14:12

I have Crohns too. Diagnosed in June last year. I have to watch what I eat and also cannot drink Alcohol any more. But I would never be annoyed with anyone else eating nice things, or enjoying a drink in my company. Why should they also have to suffer. I saw a response above which mentioned problems in your marriage other than this. Perhaps thats why you feel this way. I would not want my husband to enjoy his holiday less just because I have to be more careful because of my Crohns. I am on Infleximab and Azathioprine and so also have to be more careful in the sun. Again I wouldn't expect anyone else to have to go inside or move into the shade just because I have to.

Skyflymom · Today 14:12

Notsurenotsurenotsure · Yesterday 15:06

Do you mean coeliac's? Crohn's isn't affected by gluten.

Wheat is a common trigger for crohns!

Lotus3 · Today 14:33

If hubby had been diagnosed as high BP or cholesterol, you can bet your bottom dollar the whole family would be changing up their meal plans to support. On that basis, YANBU; you deserve to feel supported after your diagnosis, and whacking a massive bag of pastry in front of you is tone deaf at best.

Easterchicken · Today 14:45

What's with the weird digs at hubby and kids on their weight

That's so weird

People can enjoy and let loose on holiday if you can't or don't want to eat the items then don't eat them

It's your diagnosis not theirs

MidnightEagle · Today 14:49

My 12 year old has both crohns and coeliac disease. He had to do an 8 week liquid diet when first diagnosed which was incredibly difficult. But the rest of us still had to eat and he understood that. We even had to attend a bbq and a party so there was lots of people eating nice things around him. I would double check do you have a definite diagnosis. You normally need biopsy results for official diagnosis amd I haven't heard of crohns not needing treatment. My son was immediately started on immunosuppressants. Definitely get checked for coeliac too before cutting gluten out. There is a higher incidence among peope with crohns. Outwith the gluten free diet he needs for coeliac he can eat normally.

Easterchicken · Today 14:55

Thawtfulpanda · Today 06:44

Sorry, op revealed she has some assassin type back story and we are focusing on the doughnuts!!!?

I presumed she was in the armed forces but been a bit 007 about it all

amigafan2003 · Today 14:57

Yes, yabu, there is no reason why he should suffer just because you have a health issue.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · Today 15:03

Corfudreaming · Yesterday 15:08

I'm following the fodmap diet as wheat definitely gives me a very cramp stomach. I'm a runner and if I have wheat I get terrible diarrhoea

I have ulcerative colitis so also an IBD and eat gluten and wheat. The fodmap diet made me unwell and I lost far too much weight and was grouchy all the time and obsessed with food. Medication has really helped.

Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow · Today 15:07

He's been completely tactless. It would have been kinder of him to at least find and bring you something back treaty that you could eat too - there are plenty of free from options available these days. He's basically just rubbing it in your face! Even if he'd just got them and said, I'm really sorry but I've got the girls some treats, I know you're struggling with what you can eat at the moment so we'll eat them out of your way and then try find something for you that feels like a treat later.

Coming back with a load of tasty food you can't eat is a pretty dick move right after your diagnosis! Especially if you'd normally want treats on holiday!

Ponoka7 · Today 15:07

Reportingfromwherever · Today 07:16

I’m confused, how can you know this if you’re in the elimination phase and haven’t started reintroducing yet?

Probably because like most people who have gastro issues, she's been doing trial and error, for a while.
My partner has/had (he now has no colon and a stoma) diverticulitis. Way before he ever went to a doctor, he knew what he could and couldn't eat.
It's usual to support your partner. A pastry each would be enough of a treat without bringing bags of stuff home.

MmeDubois7 · Today 15:11

You don't have to eat them. I didn't realise gluten could affect Crohn's. I think white bread is good for Crohn's. Maybe he thought it was being helpful. I do think it is probably not a good idea for him and dd (if all have weight issues).

ForeverNowWithin · Today 15:31

Notsurenotsurenotsure · Yesterday 15:06

Do you mean coeliac's? Crohn's isn't affected by gluten.

.

Thawtfulpanda · Today 15:35

I get it. I had to restrict my diet for a long time and DH would sit there eating all the things I couldn't have in front of me. I didn't stop him but it felt a bit shit.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · Today 15:42

I don’t really get what you’re upset about, you’re all on holiday and he’s got some treats in that he and your daughters can enjoy. If he thought you could eat the oat biscuits then he was thinking of you too. I personally think it’s a bit almond mum to be worrying that your healthy active normal weight children are going to gain weight from a few pastries while you’re on holiday. Fair enough if he completely disregarded you cutting out gluten but I don’t get why he’s not allowed to buy himself and his children something nice to eat on holiday

Grammarnut · Today 15:50

AnonymityAnonymity · Yesterday 15:13

Yes I think you are right to be annoyed and exasperated by him buying such unhealthy food.
Even if he doesn't care about his own weight and his own health he should be mindful of you and your children's health.

They are on holiday. We relax on holiday. OP is right to be somewhat upset that DH did not bring her something suitable - but did she tell him what to get? - but it's no great deal to eat unhealthy food when on holiday.

Coconutter24 · Today 15:56

Corfudreaming · Yesterday 15:10

Yes they both do lots of sports and they have healthy digestive systems. They both want to join me in the gym when we get home from holiday. I think my DH is a bit of a feeder - although he won't admit it. TBH I also buy them sweets and chocolates but we eat them as pudding not snacks. But not all the time either.

So if you can buy them sweet treats then why can’t your DH whilst you’re on holiday? You say they are healthy, both into exercise and not overweight so why is it a problem to have a few treats?

Blueseudeshoes · Today 16:11

You can’t begrudge your family nice treats because of your illness sorry😂 yabu

Boomer55 · Today 16:13

Your diet shouldn’t affect the rest of the family. Just do you.

MunsteadWood · Today 16:15

Another with Crohn’s here (20 years) a bit exasperated at the inaccuracies, sweeping statements and doubting of the OP on this thread.

Crohn’s is a strange condition and still lots not known about it, symptoms and flare triggers can often be quite personal to the individual.

Personally I find that when my disease is well controlled through medication I can pretty much eat what I want with no consequence (although still need to be a bit careful with alcohol and very rich food eg creamy sauces - but they’re not great for anyone really!). But when I’m in a flare I find food can absolutely affect symptoms, and I err more towards plain foods eg plainly cooked fish and rice, which I think is similar to FODMAP.

Exclusion diet was also suggested to me when first diagnosed, although actually I think there’s emerging evidence that a more balanced Mediterranean style diet is good for Crohn’s - but perhaps trickier when in flare. Basically I’m saying let’s not doubt the OP! And colonoscopy can reach the start of the small bowel (terminal ileum). I should know, I had one yesterday and saw the start of my small bowel on the screen! And I was given a preliminary diagnosis during colonoscopy too, rather than waiting for biopsy results.

But, OP, I would definitely echo what other posters have said about trying to get back to your doctor for some more advice on medication - or perhaps they are waiting for biopsies to review this? I’d try to see hospital rather than GP - but presumably you are now under outpatient care? Is there an IBD nurse team at the hospital you went to? If so I’d definitely suggest contacting them as they’re normally fantastic and can be a good bridge to the doctors too. And Crohn’s & Colitis UK have loads of useful advice and support.

Finally as others have said sadly I don’t think it’s fair to be upset with family members for enjoying food you can’t eat, but if it’s part of a broader pattern of feeling unsupported I get why you might feel that way.

Good luck!

Corfudreaming · Today 16:18

aliceyyyy2654 · Yesterday 20:48

Well was it a colonoscopy or not? As that poster said, only large intestine is visible with that procedure.

FGS - the colonoscopy went as far as the start of my small intestine and it was ulcerated and inflamed. My large intestine was really healthy so it's a good job the camera went as far as if did. Why are you questioning me?!!

OP posts:
Corfudreaming · Today 16:20

MunsteadWood · Today 16:15

Another with Crohn’s here (20 years) a bit exasperated at the inaccuracies, sweeping statements and doubting of the OP on this thread.

Crohn’s is a strange condition and still lots not known about it, symptoms and flare triggers can often be quite personal to the individual.

Personally I find that when my disease is well controlled through medication I can pretty much eat what I want with no consequence (although still need to be a bit careful with alcohol and very rich food eg creamy sauces - but they’re not great for anyone really!). But when I’m in a flare I find food can absolutely affect symptoms, and I err more towards plain foods eg plainly cooked fish and rice, which I think is similar to FODMAP.

Exclusion diet was also suggested to me when first diagnosed, although actually I think there’s emerging evidence that a more balanced Mediterranean style diet is good for Crohn’s - but perhaps trickier when in flare. Basically I’m saying let’s not doubt the OP! And colonoscopy can reach the start of the small bowel (terminal ileum). I should know, I had one yesterday and saw the start of my small bowel on the screen! And I was given a preliminary diagnosis during colonoscopy too, rather than waiting for biopsy results.

But, OP, I would definitely echo what other posters have said about trying to get back to your doctor for some more advice on medication - or perhaps they are waiting for biopsies to review this? I’d try to see hospital rather than GP - but presumably you are now under outpatient care? Is there an IBD nurse team at the hospital you went to? If so I’d definitely suggest contacting them as they’re normally fantastic and can be a good bridge to the doctors too. And Crohn’s & Colitis UK have loads of useful advice and support.

Finally as others have said sadly I don’t think it’s fair to be upset with family members for enjoying food you can’t eat, but if it’s part of a broader pattern of feeling unsupported I get why you might feel that way.

Good luck!

Thank you. Honestly I've been accused of being a troll, someone also posted that I had no idea what I had. I just wanted a sounding board. I didn't realise this community was so full of people who just want to kick others when they are down.

OP posts:
aliceyyyy2654 · Today 16:29

Corfudreaming · Today 16:18

FGS - the colonoscopy went as far as the start of my small intestine and it was ulcerated and inflamed. My large intestine was really healthy so it's a good job the camera went as far as if did. Why are you questioning me?!!

Edited

To my knowledge (of having IBS, diverticular disease and multiple colonoscopies) it’s not possible for the colonoscopy to see the small intestine at all as it’s in a different place. But I am happy to be corrected by a medical professional.

that’s why I was asking

Reportingfromwherever · Today 16:34

Ponoka7 · Today 15:07

Probably because like most people who have gastro issues, she's been doing trial and error, for a while.
My partner has/had (he now has no colon and a stoma) diverticulitis. Way before he ever went to a doctor, he knew what he could and couldn't eat.
It's usual to support your partner. A pastry each would be enough of a treat without bringing bags of stuff home.

I am doing FODMAP myself so I understand it very well. If you are still in the introduction phase, you can’t yet know what the triggers are as you have cut out all dairy, wheat and loads of fruit and veg. It’s so restrictive in the elimination phase that you can’t eat much and it’s only when you go through the slow (and painful!) process of introducing that you can actually work out triggers. My dietitian says that if you do it properly, it’s takes at least 8 months.

ToWhitToWhoo · Today 16:35

I have Crohns and have at times had to be extremely careful about my diet, but I still think YABU. You can't expect othera to share your restrictions. So long as your family don't press you to eat things that are bad for you, or actively make it difficult for you to get access to what suits you, I think you have to accept their eating choices.