DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

One word- no. If you're feeling generous, 7. Thank you but that's not for me.

First post nails it

For goodness sake, just say thanks but no thanks.

Why are you umming and arring, and not just saying no? Thanks for the offer, but I’m not joining the walking group or helping out at a shop. Nip it in the bud now.

Just say you are taking some time to relax and you'll see how it goes

Thanks, I'll be in touch, then don't...

Oh God I would hate this. You'll have to be brave and just say no to both. It doesn't suit you, and that's that. Do it in a text if it's easier but make sure to be very definite about it- and don't let her manipulate you. Enjoy your retirement

Instead of
err, ha ha, errrm, well..

Say

That is not in my plans

Or

Thanks.
For the first 12 months at least I am not committing to anything.

I'd be telling her that I was looking forward to coming to grips with my retirement in my own time, and my own way, and a big part of that was no one having a say as to how I spent my time, doing what I liked, when I liked, and so I was not making any commitments for the foreseeable future. So don't sign me up for anything, because I won't be honouring any commitments made on my behalf.

Just a no thank you? Not really that difficult.

People who commandeer one's time should not be pandered to.

Just tell her you have "other plans" for your time.

I use that phrase when my other plans involve doing nothing at all.

I really think this is on you. She probably thinks she’s being friendly and a bit playful about the charity shop. Why on earth can’t you just say no thanks. It’s really not a big deal.

I’m confused why you can’t just say “No” ??

This. Why are there so many wet blankets on here? I wouldn’t even bother with “thank you”. “I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less, I’m done with any kind of structured activity”, would be my response.

There is a very useful little word in the English language, OP : ‘No’.

It may feel a bit uncomfortable the first few times you use this word but I can assure you that the more you do use it, the easier it gets.

You just need to say ‘no thanks’. Tell her you’ve decided that you won’t be taking on any regular scheduled activities as that’s what you’d prefer to do with your retirement. I absolutley had to head off suggestions when I retired four and a half years ago. I’m still not on any committees and only do regular things of my own choosing eg the gym, days out and seeing my granddaughter. You do need to be upfront and direct with some people.

Just say no thank you. If she persists, I'm not interested. If she persists, I don't want to.

It might be better to take the bull by the horns and say directly to her, SIL I think we've got our wires crossed somehow. I'm not interested in volunteering but I'll let you know if I change my mind.

Just say no, you're not doing that. Simple.

Why do you spend so much time with someone you obviously don’t like?
Why not tell your dh that she gets on your nerves?
Then the next time she brings it up say ‘Hell no Sandra, I have no intention of working for money, let alone doing it for free!’ Tilt head, tinkly laugh.

You've got to be honest, as you have been here "I've worked full time, non-stop, for over 40 years so I'm looking forward to a complete break when I retire."

As well as just saying no worth noting that people can't just bring their mates along to do a shift in a shop. You'd likely have to complete a DBS, fill in your emergency contacts and complete some basic training like safety. So, just don't do that stuff!

Sorry, I don't understand what the drama is here?

You're a grown woman.

Tell her you don't want to do either of those things, and close the conversation down each time 🤷‍♂️

You have DC? how did you cope with them nagging you when they were young?

I don't understand why you haven't just said no? "Thanks for thinking of me but that's not really my thing".

OP, why do you think it would sound 'horrible' to just tell her yoru plans. I'd say: 'I am really touched that you are offering to include me in all your activities. That is so thoughtful of you but I know that I need to start my retirement without commitments. That's what I am really looking forward to. Just waking up each day without plans. And I have to be honest, I have zero desire to work again in any capacity right now, so I definitely won't be joining the charity shop rota. I just want to read in the garden and have some peace and quiet.'

If she pesters you after this, you just have to laugh it off and say: nice try but those are your retirement plans for me, not mine! Mine are very different.

If you really can't say no to her face get your cousin to tell her to stop harassing you, that you're finding her behaviour bullying and you have zero intention of taking up either 'generous' offer.

You might need to be a bit rude.

No thanks, after spending 43 years working with other people I can't think of anything worse than going for a walk in a big group

No thanks, after 43 years of having a manager I am really looking forward to being my own boss

No thanks if I had wanted to work in retail I would have done it for a salary.

But just consider if you might ever change your mind if you are too rude and offensive you might regret it 5 years down the line!