DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Try to see it from her (likely) POV. She's probably under quite a bit of pressure to secure volunteers for the charity shop; what could be better than a mature, professionally experienced, responsibly friend or relative that she knows and trusts who's suddenly got (from her point a view) a lot more free time? She probably "hard sells" everyone she encounters who might be a fit, and you're particularly attractive right now. Since you have not said a clear no, you're still on her list to check in with and "remind" whenever she thinks of it. Once you say "no, never" or "not anytime soon; I'll get back to you if I change my mind" then if she keeps bringing it up you can start either treating her requests as if she's kidding, reminding her you said no, or just changing the subject, whatever you're comfortable doing.

The walking group is probably lacking members and she'd love to have some new people, especially someone she likes and is comfortable with. She probably also thinks she's doing you a favour offering you a ready-made group for an activity she may be assuming you'd like just because she does. If you tell her you have no interest at all, she'll likely let it go.

All the elaborate posts on this thread telling the OP to make up a load of lies, just goes to show she's certainly not the only wet lettuce here 🙄

Why do people think bare faced lies are better than a firm "No, that doesn't fit in with my retirement plans'?

I think this needs a change in mindset. The OP is worried about being rude but this is one of those times when it is actually more polite to be direct.

It is quite acceptable to say “No thank you, I don’t want to work in the charity shop”. It is actually rude to leave her thinking that you will do this as she’ll start counting on it.

Say “No thank you, I don’t enjoy walking in large groups”.

Pretend to be an English speaking Dutch / German / Swedish person. Be completely unemotional and matter of fact.

Firm No, to the pushy fucker. Hate people like this. She thinks she owns your time.

Your husband is right! ''No'' is not a rude word. Pair it with ''thank you'' if you must. Use "I'm not making any commitments for some time" I'd start with the commitments statement and get shorter in my responses. I'd keep my tone light, smile and look directly at her. If asked "Why?" I'd respond with "I don't want to" I don't think it's always easy to respond in the moment but if you practice your responses in your head, you'll be more prepared

None of this is the OP's problem.

Just say no that is something youre not interested in doing

Err, so why would she stop mentioning it?! Ffs op, just tell her it’s a no. Don’t justify, don’t explain. You have other things on, other things you want to do…

Learn that when you say no to anything you don't have to give a reason. Giving a reason invites argument.
So don't say, no because I wouldn't enjoy it or no because I don't want the commitment because they will try to persuade you.
Be definite. No I won't be working for your charity shop and no I won't be joining your walk, but thanks for asking me.

But if you haven’t said no, she probably thinks you’re keen?
Why would you sound ‘horrible’ to say no? That’s ridiculous.

Was there not an episode of friends where Phoebe said "I wish I could but I don't want to"? when asked to do something?

OP seems to be at least somewhat concerned and upset about the situation, is struggling to understand what's "normal", and is asking for advice here. Perhaps let her decide for herself which responses are useful and relevant and which not; she's probably capable.

“I don’t want to take on any commitments after I retire, I want to have a rest and not be tied to anything “

I wouldn't burn my bridges. You don't know how you will feel in a couple of years - some people do start to get sick of the lack of structure.

So it wouldn't be a 'hell no!' from me, more a 'I need a full break after working so many years, thank you for thinking of me and I will definitely let you know if I change my mind in the future'.

It’s because you’ve never said no! Just say no thanks, I’m not planning on working thanks!

Some people are such CFs! I would just say thanks but I’m going to see how I feel when I retire before committing to anything, having worked for so long, I need some space to work out what my retirement looks like and how it will work for me. Then if I do decide to commit to some voluntary work, I want it to be my choice and something that’s close to my heart. Ditto hobby groups. You don’t owe this woman anything and she sounds very annoying. Retirement is a big adjustment if watching my parents is anything to go by and you’ll need some time to just sit with it and decide how you want to spend your time and what will work for you.

Yes I think something like this is good, just short and to the point, and there have been some really good and helpful suggestions! Easier to write down than to say them I have to say, but I know I need to do it!

I'm not going to say 'I'm not doing anything right now but will let you know if anything changes' though, as she will keep on like 'are you ready yet? When you coming to work in the shop?!' (And join the walking group!) I need a not ever kind of response. I won't change my mind.

I know I'm a bit of a wet lettuce, (regarding this) and I can be quite strong and assertive sometimes (especially with anything official or professional/at work etc,) but with personal shit like this, I'm fecking useless. YES I need to sort myself out and just tell her. She is the type who will keep on mithering and pestering though, and asking DH, but 'WHHHHHHHHHHHHY Steve, WHY won't Bells do it? She has nothing else on.'

She's a cheeky fucker. I'm actually dreading saying a flat NO, to both the walking group AND the charity shop, because she's like a bloody Jack Russel and will not let it go! But I'm going to have to.

Thanks so much everyone for all these wonderful suggestions!

I would just say ‘oh thank you for the kind offer, but I think you misunderstand - I am retiring fully and am looking forward to having zero commitments. Perhaps if I feel like it, I’ll have a big tidy up and bring anything we don’t need down to the shop. That will be my one and only contribution’.

Tell her you need several months to adjust and you will decide where and whether to volunteer later (you don't want to be free labour to bolster her PAID role), and that you will probably volunteer with a different charity if you decide to volunteer.

Doreen no I will not be volunteering in your shop. It's my idea of hell so please stop going on. I am perfectly capable of arranging my own time.
If she turns round after that and says well I've just put you on the rota for Tuesday & Thursday for now, you look her straight in the eye and say I told you no. Remove my name because I will not be there.

The walking group is meeting at 10am on Monday blah blah.
That's nice for you. I really don't like walking in a group so no I won't be joining you.

Do not say ok just once. She'll never leave you alone.

Yes, I remember that. 😆

Let her put you on the shop rota and then don't turn up.

OK, don't do this, but I would be tempted!

Good points. She is the type who really needs someone to be very firm.

I'd just be like, Haha, no chance, I'm tapping out of work I get paid for, I'm not going to start doing it for free!

I don't really fancy a walking group, I like it as a solitary activity, thanks though.

She's inviting drama into a very simple situation.

It doesn't matter why she's being asked to volunteer and join a walking group.

The fact is she doesn't want to and as a 60 year old woman who's gone through her whole working life and raised two children to adulthood, she can say 'No, that's not what I want' and stick to it.

Anything else is just feeding the drama.