DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Alternatively, tell her you've got a conviction for shoplifting and assault and it'll show up on a check. That'll shut her up, and cause a stir too!

No, I'm not interested in that. Be clear. I don't see what's stopping you.

Why are there so many people who misuse the phrase "wet blanket" on here? That's not what it means.
Bossy Cousin could accuse OP of being a wet blanket though for refusing to join in with all the "fun" activities she's got planned for her.

Stick to your guns, @GoldAndSilverBells

Next time you see her, tell her work have ask you to stay on for another 6-12 months. Tell husband that if he tells her the truth you’ll divorce him. Then deal with again in 6-12 months.

Otherwise you’ll just have to say ‘stop booking me in for stuff, I’m doing nothing for at least 12 months after a lifetime of working.’

Honesty, I would do the 1st one otherwise she’ll be popping in all the time as well.

That’s not going to fit in with my retirement plans

if she asks what are your plans

quite a few things, im not going to be able to fit other people’s plans for me into the equation - had years of that with management at work so will be glad to say goodbye to that at last

if your plans are sitting in the garden all day - they are your plans

Im retiring from the world of work so you couldnt get me working again if you paid me, haha

No, I like walking alone, not into group walks thanks.

The end.

She might genuinely be concerned about you, so I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing.

Just be honest.
Tell her that you’ve worked for X amount of years and for all that time you’ve had to stick to a fixed schedule and you are looking forward to simply having no plans.
Tell her that you have decided that for the first 6 months you are going to make no regular plans and simply do as you feel on the day.

Tell her it was kind of her to think of you but you’re not interested right now but you’ll let her know if you change your mind.

Why are you letting this stress you out? You are 60 years years old! You are a capable woman, who has worked hard for retirement! I assume in your job you occasionally had to speak to people about their behaviours or give people direction? Apply those skills here!

Tell her that you are very much looking forwards to relaxing when you take up retirement and you have no plans to do any voluntary work and walking isn't a hobby you have any interest in.

If youre feeling kind throw in the offer of a brunch with her instead but stand firm!

You are not obliged to do anything you do not want to do and 'No' is a complete sentence!

Text her now and get it over with!

Just laugh as though it is a ridiculous idea and say the whole point of retiring is to take a complete break from work, including voluntary work. So no thank you, I will not be volunteering in your charity shop.
The walking group is easy, fudge it and just don't turn up, text an excuse if necessary, a group of 25 will not miss you.

I think the PP meant 'wet lettuce'?

And the OP is indeed wetter than a field full of lettuces during a tsunami.

Quite how she got through her whole working life from age 16, without being able to say a simple 'no' is beyond me.

Tell her you don’t believe in charity

This really isn't hard. You just say NO. When she mentions it next, just tell her you don't want to do it. No excuses, it's your decision about what you are going to do in your retirement and you don't need to answer to her. If she is as odious as ahe sounds, I wouldn't be meeting up with them every month either.

If she's cheeky enough to tell you what her plans are for you when you retire, you can be cheeky enough to tell her where to go! That's the only way to deal with this sort of person.

If she can't take a hint, just don't turn up for your first shift.

Stop being so British and just say no.

Just say warmly but firmly that in the immediate future you've no plans to do volunteering or walking groups and are just going to relax. That if you change your mind you'll let her know. Then swiftly change the subject.

If she brings it up again you can say 'Please stop trying to recruit me to your shop! I'm not interested and it's getting a bit boring now'.

Just tell her.

Say your life sounds very full but after working for many years you’re just looking forward to a break. You specifically don’t want to make any plans.

Then just repeat it if she asks again. Say airily oh yes as I said before I can’t wait to not have anything in the diary. And that’s not going to change any time soon. You have to be really firm and don’t make excuses or imply you may do these things further down the line.

Or she could grow a spine and tell her it doesn't fit with her retirement plans?

With retirement I think it is important to decompress first and have some time off to only do what you want with no or limited structure. However after that you want free rein to do it your way.

I am planning to be busy in retirement but on my terms so my plan is to have three weeks of "holiday" and then keep what were my working hours to do the things I want to do. Like you I don't want to be told what that is either.

Equally I don't want to be put off by someone being overly encouraging if it is something I later decide I want to do.

Well that was the 2nd option that I gave but if she found it that easy then this thread wouldn’t exist 😂

I would reply something along these lines:

That's so nice of you to try and get me involved in your hobbies. I have quite a long list of things I plan to do first, including enjoying the opportunity to do nothing for a while and meeting my own circle of friends, but I'll let you know if that ever changes.

Don't give her excuses that she can navigate through. If you say that you're busy with X, or that you are not available now, but might be a later date, she'll find a way to keep pushing. She'll suggest "solutions" to any diary clashes etc.

The best is to say no, keep an strict information diet, and be consistent, like others have mentioned:

"No, thank you"
"It doesn't work for me" (and if she asks why, reply "it just doesn't, thank you").
"I'm not doing that, but thank you for thinking of me"

I suspect her offer of joining the walking group is to sweeten you, she's "doing you a favour", and will likely will use it for leverage.

Do not join the walking club, do not help at the shop even once - don't open that door.

This is YOUR precious time to enjoy and manage, she has no power over you

No, I too want to not work after all the years I've worked! Don't be subtle, prevaricate, talk about maybe in the future, just No.

I swear mumsnet is a parallel universe inhabited by people at a level of wet lettuce-ness beyond my comprehension