DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Because I can't bring myself to say no! I know I know... I need to be more assertive!

You say no thanks. If she persists you block her. Not hard to do.

Thank you. 😘

Thanks. I will be thinking about how I now spend my time but will not be taking any decisions just yet. Please do not put me on any rotas, I will let you know if this is something I would be interested in doing. End.

I'm sure you'll undetstand Vera, that as I've worked for 43 years,since I was 16 infact, I feel like I've done my bit, and I'm looking forward to planning my own time. Ha ha. Cast your net elsewhere - there are lots of people who need work experience.

No, you don’t need to commit to anything. It will be a big change anyway when you retire and you’ll need to acclimatise.

Just as an aside - is your DP’s cousin paid for her deputy manager role? Is she looking at commandering your input as a volunteer?

Saying no really isn't as scary as you think it is. The more you do it the easier it becomes. Use this as your first "no" experiment.

Thanks for thinking of me, but i intend to have a good while to myself, during which i will consider my options, so won’t be working in your shop or joining your walking group.

There is a great saying which I am trying to live my life by
If you have to choose between resentment and guilt, then choose guilt
If you don’t say no now then you will find yourself standing behind that counter in the charity shop .

These people need bluntness. When you're not, it gives them room for manipulation.
"Why have you taken it upon yourself to organise my time? No doubt you mean well and i'm touched you thought of involving me but it's no to both. Thank you though"

Posts like yours drive me NUTS, OP.
You’re a grown ass woman, 60 years in the world, and yet you are unable to say the word ‘No’?!?
Seriously, how do you get yourself dressed in the morning if such basics are beyond you?

Next time she pipes up, you just say ‘No, neither of those things will be happening- the charity shop shifts or the walking group. I’ve waited a long time for my retirement moment, and I have plans of my own that include neither of those options.’

DONE.

If I'm ever able to retire, it will be 100% a no from me to any kind offers of volunteering positions. I dream of being able to wake up in the morning and have no looming work obligations, ever and forever. Like you, I have worked full-time all my adult life without a break - for more than 30 years now - not even any maternity leave in my case - and I just want to be free. I make no apologies for that, and nor should you.

Just to add, I wouldn't say "oh I'll think about it", "ask me again in 6 months" or suchlike just to get rid of her.

I was a people pleaser up until about 15 years ago, and pushy types love statements like that. They'll use it to keep poking and prodding you. Just say no. It's your only option. No messing about, excuses, or false promises.

Just ignore her.

You have a blanket answer that you repeat every time.

”oh no, I’m not planning anything for six months. Maybe a year. No groups, no volunteering. Nothing scheduled in. I’ve worked solid for 43 years. I need some time where I have nothing scheduled for a change.”

and just hope she stops asking

Exactly.

However,she can put you on her rota as much as she wants to,she will just have to learn the hard way when you don't turn up. Same for the walking group.

I always used to be a wet lettuce because I had very controlling parents who never let me make decisions or gave me any choices. They would make me feel selfish if I didn’t go along with what they wanted or if I didn’t agree with their opinions. They also made me feel bad about myself so I found it hard to trust my own judgement.

That’s why it really helps on here when people offer encouragement and ways of saying no or sticking up to people. Those who do that have really helped me to learn these things (the ones that say things like ‘what’s wrong with you’ not so much). That plus the woman that just said to me one day, ‘why don’t you just say no’’ it was a revelation as it really had never occurred to me that that was possible (which sounds ridiculous to me now but genuinely wasn’t at the time).

In that case Mumsnet can't help you.

If you've managed to get to the age of 60 without being able to say a simple firm no, then no-one can really help.

But reading your huge thread title and then your OP, I'd guess you're prone to a bit of drama?

Perhaps if you can lose that trait, 'no' will come easier.

But this is really easy OP 😁 you are making it super complicated in your head adding all kind of unnecessary defensive thinking

just tell her: it is so kind of you to think of me but that is not my thing. or “that is not my thing” No need to go into explaining how you worked 43 years whilst she was a sahm etc etc

just say thanks but no thanks

why are you tying yourself up in knots about it, just be very clear.

What did you say when she said she would add you to the rotation the day you retire? Were you vague or did you say a clear: no that is not going to happen? i have my own plans “

why are you cross with your husband?

Time to learn about setting your own boundaries

Exactly this.
Sorry no, I have other plans for retirement

why don’t you message her instead just saying thanks so much for thinking of me, but I’m not going to be able to volunteer at the charity shop. After working x years I need a break for my health. I’ll let you know if anything changes.

Agree with this, she will just be pestering you at intervals if you offer a loophole excuse.

It has to be a firm 'no'.

It matters not a jot if you burn your bridges with this 'opportunity'. If, in the future, you do decide you want to volunteer at something, there will be plenty of other options.

How did you get to 60 without learning how to deliver a polite but firm no?

Got it! 👍 "I'm terribly sorry but both of your suggested activities clash with my pole dancing course"

Initially I don't intend to take on any committments until I've had time to decide what I want to do for myself, so thanks for thinking about me but it's a no at the moment. Let's leave it that if I change my mind later I know where to find you.
No waffling or mixed messages. If she mentions it again just say you re sure she will remember you saying if you change your mind you'll tell her but in the meantime please lets talk about something else.