DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I feel a bit bad for the woman. While making an assumption about you wanting to volunteer was overbearing, it's hard to see inviting you to join her walking group as anything other as an attempt to be friendly and kind. Of course refuse if you don't want to do it (I wouldn't either), but I think your dislike of this woman (and possibly frustration with self at inability to say no) is affecting how you are reading this situation.

I believe op is now ‘learning’ that skill as she has posted to say she sent a message to the DH’s cousin’s wife, it was a direct, assertive and straight to the point message.
No politeness needed in this situation because the cheeky fucker cousin’s wife was not polite in taking it upon herself to decide how op will spend her retirement and constantly badgering op about it.

Yes, I've seen the message she sent.

@GoldAndSilverBells

"I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day"

And what was your response? I assume you said no I don't plant to volunteer at you cherry soo but what's for the offer? Or did you smile back in compliance and then run to mumsnet to complain?

Thanks for the gift but I prefer to walk by myself and closer to home so I don't have to drive first.

I think you husband was just making conversation with hue cousin and ok maybe he could she shut it down but you've had multiple opportunities to say no and you haven't and now you're mad at your husband...

It looks like even if your husband didn't tell her she would find out when you actually retired and still make such demands unless you put firm boundaries on place and learn to say no.

Yes.

Well done OP. Your message was too long IMHO but you got the job done. I'm just wondering, you don't seem to like this person at all so why are you even spending time with her? I want you to have the best retirement because there's more years gone than there are left and these years need to work for you. You don't have to spend time with anyone you don't want to - family, cousin, cousin twice removed, wife of cousin twice removed, anyone, if you don't want to. That doesn't mean being rude or nasty at all - just living your best life, your way.

Enjoy your retirement when it comes. No plans sounds blissful.

"I thought it would keep you busy"
How patronising!

I'd take the ✅ as a massive eye roll.

I find it hard to believe that someone who has worked for 40 odd years can't just say "No thanks!" to another person. I might have found asserting myself more of a challenge at times in my first job when I was 17, but after a few years found that setting healthy boundaries and saying no actually made people respect me more.

The message was a bit full on but for someone whose not used to saying No it did the job. I don't buy her thinking it would keep the Op busy, not when she has the paid job in a charity shop

No is a complete sentence.

She's. Not. Interested. Now 🙄

Not at all so the sooner she conveys this honestly, the better.

Yes, this gave the the vibes of a DIL saying "when you retire, you can look after the children".

I agree with this. I can't see being male or female has anything to do with the fact that people see retirement as an oasis of unfilled time and will ask a lot of questions - or even impinge on you for favours. Certainly my Grandfather had a lot more requests for help than my GM.

I do find it a bit boring the way MN has this vision that women are all herded into poky corners "being nice."

Are we really that limp?

Yes, I agree with this.

I don't think I would go so far as to say the OP's message was rude - and I applaud her for doing something unequivocal about it if it was bothering her.

But I would put myself in the group of posters who think it was overdone - less that it was actually rude and more just a bit "overly worked up." IMO that can actually signal weakness around the issue more than anything else.

I don't think she needs to worry too much - and she seems now to think she did a great job and feels at ease, so all is well.

It was just advice intended helpfully that I do think you can just say "no" and it will generally do the trick.

As mentioned that particular situation was many years ago with certain individuals. Patience wasn't required, calm assertiveness was. They pushed back initially but once I was clear in my mind what I wanted and communicated that to them again, it became obvious to them that I meant what I said so endless repetitions weren't required.

In other areas of my life I haven't had a problem asserting myself but I've always done so politely and respectfully, even when I was hurt or annoyed at the person. It doesn't matter whether I like or dislike the person, I don't think to myself "I like you so I'll be assertive in a calm, polite manner" but to the next person "I don't like you so it's ok to offend you or be rude". Even if someone is rude to me it doesn't mean I have to change the person that I am and resort to their way of communicating.

I try to be assertive in a clear, polite way regardless of whether I like or dislike the person because it is possible to go through life speaking your mind and have people respect your decisions without having to resort to rudeness to achieve that.

There will always be people who get the hump with you, no matter how calm, polite and quietly assertive you are when saying no. With those people you do sometimes have to move beyond that and unleash your inner belligerence.😁

You can be calm and assertive and be perceived as rude. Case in point is OP’s text message, which I don’t consider to be rude at all, yet others clearly do.

I don’t intend to be rude or hostile on occasions where I need to definitively shut someone down, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be perceived as such. For me, this isn’t a problem. Someone, particularly someone that’s already demonstrated they think they can ignore my ‘no’ and attempt to strong arm me, not liking me or thinking me rude is not something that influences my sense of self, or something I care about at all. I don’t need them to like me.

Immaterial anyway tbh 😂😂

Have a great day 😊

Did she respond?

I think your message was a bit OTT

Tell her its her business when or just ignore her change your number

Absolutely right. You don’t have to be rude. You just have to be assertive. Being rude is not something to aspire to.

I feel as though the two concepts are used interchangeably on MN

The op felt awkward about saying something and obviously has been stewing on it , not everyone is confident enough to say how they feel so I merely gave her a suggestion to get her point across....but without causing herself a situation which might upset the applecart