DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

My sister is like this. She sings in about 4 choirs, volunteers and is on just about every committee in the town.
When I retired after 49 years of hard work she was forever pestering me to join her and saying how boring I was.

Just say no, you're not interested.

Learning to say no should be the first very useful retirement project. There are no negative consequences to doing so - you could even change your mind very easily should you want to!

Do you have grandchildren yet? Saying no to a request for far too much childcare will be harder 😅

The above is perfect @GoldAndSilverBells

I was about to put something similar but couldn't have worded it better 🤷

When she says it again, say I won’t be doing that. If she keeps saying it ask her if she heard you, you won’t be doing it.

if she says it again say that if she repeats it again you are cutting her off and do.

if a person says no and the other person doesn’t accept it, you ask ‘why are you trying to control me’

How can this even be a problem for you? Just say no?

'I don't do group walking'
'I need break from work , I may volunteer but not now and not in a charity shop'

What everyone else said! 🤣

How did you manage to get to 60 years of age without ever saying No? That's some achievement!

Good grief OP, get a backbone.

Well you'll have to do your allocated shifts and join the walking group then and waste your precious free time doing something you hate.

Why are you asking for solutions if you "can't bring yourself" to say no?

“What! No thanks, I can't think of anything worse. If, in the highly unlikely situation I do decide to work again, it will be for payment.”
That should tell her.

Just tell her "please stop trying to organize my retirement. I'm really looking forward to not having to do anything

Just say no, for goodness sake.

OP you have used over 600 words in your post to describe your problem.

When ”No” is just one word.

It's not perfect at all because it's not definite.

The OP doesn't want to volunteer and she doesn't want to join the walking group.

She needs to tell her this firmly and her DH's cousin needs to accept it.

None of this 'I'll let you know' business.

Tell her you’re doing an OU degree and it’s goi going to take all your spare time, but perhaps when you’ve finished it in a few years ……

Just say No Thanks.

If she asks why not just say Because I don't want to!
If she keeps on just repeat NO. Nothing else, just NO.

Tell her you will have no time for walking or volunteering as you are planning on writing a novel, which - early indications from a reputable publisher seem to indicate - will be giving Richard Thingy a run for his money.

Set in a Charity shop it’s a murder mystery , the manageress is found one morning having been stabbed through the neck with the business end of a Nordic walking pole. Suspicion initially falls on a distant relative, who fortunately has a cast iron alibi, but who is piqued into solving the crime which has defeated the local Murder Squad. The plot thickens as it turns out the manageress was the head of a Charity shop cabal , siphoning off quality donated goods which were then sold through eBay and used to launder the dirty money the cabal is earning through its illegal sales of weight loss medication and Botox.

My technique for people making requests/demands like this is to laugh at them and say something along the lines of “OMG, you’re so funny/you must be joking! I’d hate that so much, I’d never do it!” And that’s an end to it.

It works pretty well in my experience, but better on the first occasion the “thing” is mentioned, I suppose.

In your case, the next time she brings it up - and you know she will bring it up - I’d just be pretend like it was the first I’d heard of it and react accordingly. Something like “LOL! I assumed you were joking, the amount of times you’ve mentioned this, but now it sounds like you’re actually serious?! OMG! You must be joking - I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole! I’ve spent 40-whatever years working and now what I want is LESS time around people, not MORE! It would be my worst retirement nightmare! Evil laugh.” Then leave her to it.

Come on, sing along with me!

No human being should try to commandeer your time in that way. Let alone your husband’s cousin’s wife who is, well, nobody. The fact you describe her in those terms suggests to me that she isn’t even a friend. Tell her very firmly that you have your own plans. I understand how domineering some people can be. I’m quite placid myself, but if someone chips away at me enough, the resulting anger makes me very very blunt!

Why is she trying to organise your life OP? Seems an odd thing to do, unless DH has mentioned that you could get bored?

I would simply say no, you have plans already and are unable to commit for the foreseeable future.

She seems to like you if she’s inviting you along to her own activities!

As she’s naturally bossy and you are naturally quieter you will have to get used to saying “No”.

Don’t worry too much about being rude, naturally bossy people often have thick skins and people who ask others along to their own activities probably hear No quite a lot, Also remind her that you have worked fro 43 years, she probably hasn’t thought of it in that way.

Keep it simple. I understand that you find it hard but you need to head this off early or the pressure will increase.

"No, thank you. Please don't put me down for anything. I have been working since I was 16 and I am looking forward to free days and not having any commitments."

I would also ask your husband to help you tackle this by having a word with her. My SIL is pushy and when I have struggled with her telling me I have to do something my husband has spoken to her along the lines of 'Please leave Squirrel alone. She has her own plans'.

i dont understant the angst? just say no! jeezzz

I think this is a mean spirited thread and a situation of OPs own making.
The woman is trying to include OP who had the opportunity to shut it all down at the first pass.

"Thank you Linda but after 473663 years of work I'm not committing to a single thing until I've had at least a year off doing literally fuck all. Im looking forward to dicovering what I would like to do now my time is finally my own" or something.

And if it was brought up again 'No Linda my future plans haven't changed, don't put me on your rota because I shall be in the back garden drinking a Margherita" etc.

Instead OP quite literally Ummed and ahhhed and 'can't say no' and was completely unassertive and somehow that's this other person's fault.