DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

The thing is - some overbearing pushy people will not be pleased with anyone who says no to them, however nicely it is worded. They will get the hump regardless.

I find a big laugh and a loud “good lord no, I could think of nothing worse!” sends these people off easily.

Brilliant! You go for it 👏
I’m a good 20 years off retiring age yet but I absolutely cannot stand people who seem to think that those who have retired or are close to retiring should have their whole retirement planned out for them and just assume that retirees will want to “keep busy”. I bloody won’t, I will want to potter about doing exactly how I please and nobody is going to place any expectations on me.

How is the cousin's wife supposed to know OP doesn't like group walks? Is she supposed to be telepathic?
I am in a walking group- lots of retired women- and sometimes invite friends. Some declined and said " No, I like walking on my own or with DH". Some were thrilled to join.
All good and easy.

This reminds me of those posters who are always fuming at being invited to weddings because they hate weddings, but never use their words and say so.

Saying “for the first 12 months” leaves you right open to the fact you haven’t explicitly said no and that you may be open to the idea in 12 months time, then leaving yourself open to them planning your life out for you after that 12 month time period.its a rather passive thing to say if you have no intentions of ever doing it at all.
Op doesn’t want to work in a charity shop and said numerous times on this thread that she doesn’t want to join the walking group as it’s a group of 25 and finds - group like this too big and overwhelming.

The op has already stated she hasn’t given the slightest hint at wanting to join a walking group so why would the cousin’s wife assume she would want to? Is she telepathic? or maybe not because she doesn’t seem to be able to read the room and seems to think op should do what she wants her to do. I think you should spin your comment around because as you will see, it actually works both ways. She never said she wants to do it either

Your message wasn't rude at all.

She's badgering you and making you anxious and stressed. She needed telling.

And she should be the one worrying that she's overstepped and upset YOU, not the other way round!

Hope you can put it out of your mind now.

@friedaklein Well the cousin's wife didn't know that the OP wasn't keen on local group walks, but on the other hand, she never tried to find out, and didn't invite or ask her to join in. She just assumed the OP would do it.

I would think the same about your message if it was sent by a man or a woman. It was a bit over the top when all you needed to say was no thanks to her. Her reply was much simpler than your over explanation. Looks like she thought she was being nice and a simply no thanks from you would have sufficed. And you definitely didn't need to reply to her answer.

For some one who reckons they don't know how to say no, you made everything a lot bigger deal and a lot more hard work than you needed to 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes, causing offense is necessary.

Reputation matters. If you don’t have a reputation as people pleaser, pushy people are far more likely to accept a friendly no at face value.

I have a friend who was/is known to be a people pleaser/a bit of a pushover. I, on the other hand, am not known to be that. There was one occasion where a mutual acquaintance asked us both if we would be interested in doing something as a favor to her, and we both said no thank you (the exact same words were used). My declining was accepted without issue, but she wouldn’t drop it with my friend. In the end my friend had to get abrupt with her, not only to turn down the favor, but to force this woman to reassess the image she had of my friend as someone she could push around.

“Looks like she thought she was being nice and a simply no thanks from you would have sufficed”

Is that how you would think? That some overbearing person who you wasn’t even bothered being ‘friends’ with decided to take it upon themselves to decide how you spend your retirement was just “being nice”?
I do feel there are a lot of people pleasers on this thread who then decide to come on here and claim the op is being rude and that she should have just said “no thanks” when her message was pretty much appropriate for the level of cheeky fuckery she had been the victim of!

If your response to something you don't want to do is err um err um, I would argue you are the people pleaser!

I'm always amazed by people who can't say not and don't recognise that "no, thank you" is a full answer. I say no a lot. It's easy and I've come to no harm.

@InterIgnis @istherereallytimeforallthat

I agree that some people will push back and won't accept your answer first time, I've had to say no to people like this! I'm a quiet person and years ago I found it hard to say no to certain people and they got used to quiet little me saying yes.

But I changed and some of these people didn't like the change so they didn't accept my first no. I stood firm, repeated everything clearly and calmly when necessary but always remained friendly and polite. For me, this worked, I've never fallen out with anyone or caused offence and those same people are still in my life and respect my answer of 'no' first time now.

Retirement for me means not having to be tied to time on a regular basis...
Something I value.

If you have the patience for that, and/or you like the people trying to be pushy with you, then of course you may find that to be a better way. If you don’t particularly like a person, then why does it matter if they become offended or think you rude?

"No thanks. I know you mean well but I don’t want to make any commitments or plans at all. I’m really looking forward to having absolutely no demands on my time for the first time in my life. If I do decide after a while that I want to volunteer or join your walking group I’ll let you know, but for the foreseeable future it’s a definite no thanks."

OP has already sent the woman her message.

Oh. Sorry!

I think your message was fine OP. Concise and factual. I have had a real problem saying no in the past. I think your fifties and sixties can bring on a new sense of assertiveness. Life is too short to be shoe horned into tedious roles, that you have no interest in. I have been there and done that in my thirties and forties and felt exhausted and harassed.

I messaged back. 'well I did mind a bit to be honest, I was just surprised that you were arranging my life for me when I had retired. No harm done, but I'm really not interested.'

Good fo you, OP. Keep up the good work and enjoy your peace.

I don’t understand this - why haven’t you just said “No thanks, I’ll have plenty of plans of my own to keep me busy” and shut it right down?

You need to press see all. OP has sorted it.

Because op has already said she struggles to say no to people. If she felt confident enough to just say “no thanks” then she would have done it

Being able to say no politely and firmly in the moment without seething silently for months then sending abrasive messages is definitely a skill worth learning.