DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

"It's not for me."

"You've been joking quite a bit about the shop after I retire, Maureen. You do know I'm not doing any volunteering, right? I'm taking my first few years entirely to myself, and then see what I fancy doing - if anything."

Say if you wanted a job you wouldn’t be retiring

Well tell her this if you like but it still stands even if you don’t - She can put you on her rota and tell you about plans for walks all she likes but that doesn’t mean you have to turn up!

Next time she brings it up i would laugh and say "haha I've worked for the last 43 years and I'm definitely not planning on doing any more once I retire"

I’m working on my small children saying ‘that’s not for me, thank you’ as a polite no.

None of these things are the slightest bit rude

you are approaching retirement and are, therefore, a fully grown woman with a voice.

You say one time, very clearly, that you are not going to be joining the group, or doing any shifts in the charity shop and that the cousin's wife is not to mention it to you again or you will stop seeing her.

And then you follow through.

You didn’t have to use all those words justifying it. You don’t want to. Just say no thanks.

Exactly! Honestly op, you’re retirement age and you still haven’t learnt to use your words?? If not by now , then when.

You seem feisty and angry enough on this post, so use some on telling her firmly that you won’t be doing that.
it’s your fault. What’s umm and aah? Use your words!

Obviously, just say no. Do it right now, by text.

Hi CF, you've mentioned many times about using me in the shop and adding me to your walking group.I may not have made it clear but I'm not interested in either of those pursuits. Thanks for asking, and no thanks.

And never think about it again.

I mean, it's not really your husband's fault for telling her you're retiring when she's obviously going to find out anyway, unless you were planning to keep it a secret for the next six years or whatever.

Why are you farting about umming and ahhing when she brings it up though?!

It sounds like she is trying to look out for you in her own way, and welcome you into a community that she herself values being part of.

If that isn’t you, that’s fine, but it is on you to clearly and gently communicate it - you don’t need to be rude. Simply say that you have been looking forward to retiring for some time and have your own plans for how you want to enjoy the first few months. Never say never to the outstretched hand of community and routine, you may be surprised at how much you miss it, and how good it is for you.

I can see myself saying 'Goodness no - I would absolutely hate that' to the charity shop work and 'I really don't like walking with a group' to the walking group thing. The walking thing MAYBE followed up with a conciliatory 'but I've love to walk with just you' if I think I could bear it/didn't think she would take me up on it. However I am autistic and my social skills are somewhat lacking... So maybe don't do the same as me!

I'm retired and I've had to deal with people who think my time is now up for grabs Op. Tell the cousins DW that 1) you don't intend to commit to anything for at least a few months and 2) you've worked full time for years, now you're going to be your own boss and only do the things that please or interest you

How weird! So you’re almost 60 and yet still can’t be honest with relatives??

Are you a total pushover normally?

I was there last year. With a group of friends, telling a couple of them I was retiring in a few months. The Village Organiser overhead: "Did you say you were retiring?" I replied "No!". She was bemused "No what?". "No, I am not going to join any committee you are about to ask me to". Laughter all round. And no committee.

Just use some words other than err and umm, and say no.

Sue, I am retiring after 43 years of work. I won’t be doing 8 hour shifts anywhere. No, I don’t want to join a walking group in a different town either-I prefer to walk alone’.

You’re making FAR too much of this, OP. What you and she have worked over the course of your lives is completely irrelevant. Just say thanks for thinking of me, but no thank you.

This is a non issue, just say No Im not planning on doing that. End

‘Thanks for the offer, Sandra, but that’s not for me.’

Mate! How did you get to sixty without being able to say no?

No thanks, I am not planning on doing any volunteering.

No thanks, I don’t enjoy walking groups.

If she tries to overcome your objections, you look her dead in the eye and say “for personal reasons Sue.”

Just say no. If you're afraid to say no then I am happy to message her on your behalf and say no for you? Would that be easier?

Saying no is not horrible. Why do you think it is? A simple No, I don’t want to is a perfectly acceptable and polite response.

She is clearly pushy so don’t in any circumstances offer excuses or reasons not to do what she wants. She may then just attempt to give you solutions! A simple but polite refusal is enough. If she does continue be a bit sharper. If needed put it in writing in a message. Enjoy your retirement!

I'd send a text along the lines of -
Dearest Letitia, with regards to the offer of employment at your charity shop I have to inform that I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Also, donning my walking shoes to join you and a group of strangers in ambling around the countryside sounds about as much fun as a root canal without anaesthesia.
Kindest regards Bells 😘