Social conventions you thought everyone knew

[Asuperblyfeauturedroomandexcellentboiledpotatoes]

The thread started by the lady who's father recently died and people turned up to his funeral in joggers got me thinking.
What is something you thought was basic social etiquette, a rule that everyone lived by, that you were shocked/surprised to see someone not following?
Did it make you judge the person? Wonder if maybe you're just old fashioned? Or something else?

I'll start. At work the other day someone said they were leaving early because they had a hospital appointment. A younger colleague said "oh, what for?". It felt very awkward and the colleague said "oh.. you know, just women's stuff".
I always thought that you never ever ask people for details of medical appointments or why they were off or what OP they are having. It's very rude. Same as you don't ask people how much they earn or who they are going to vote for or questions about their sex life or something!
At first I judged but then remembered she was young and maybe noone had told her.

What's surprised you lately?

Ah! Thank you for explaining that!!

Knife lickers give me the rage.

People who don’t return their trolleys in supermarkets.

In a pub, don't make someone wait for a drink. If they're finished, get them a drink.

I asked DH about this. He's autistic and enjoys over following social norms when it amuses him.

He said "of course I thank people," so I clarified: "even if the driver screeches to a halt, rolls his eyes as you cross and revs his engine before you've finished crossing?" He laughed and said "oh yes, I stop and smile and wave enthusiastically and then I cross verrrry slowly."

Re. table etiquette, most should definitely be challenged as they are hangovers of the English class system and horribly outdated.

Things like using the back of the fork only, sipping from the side of a soup spoon, tilting your soup bowl away from you, were all designed to slow down on the eating process, because only poor working people tucked into their food with gusto. Any sign that you were hungry, like bringing your food towards you or taking large mouthfuls, were considered common and just not done by the gentry.

But much of the food we eat today is from cultures where the standard knife, fork and spoon isn't used, and many dishes can't really be successfully eaten the "refined" way. I recall sitting opposite my SIL when we were having spaghetti bolognese, and it was almost painful watching her with her knife and fork, trying to cut the lengths of pasta to a size that she could balance daintily on the back of her fork, only for it all to fall off whenever she tried to get some of the sauce on too. Over and over.

Agree that chewing with an open mouth is awful, and sticking out your elbows is just rude. Similarly, bending your head almost down to you plate to get food in always looks a bit like a pig approaching the trough, but I can understand why if it's something that's very drippy. Talking with you mouth full is awful if there is so much that people can see your food, but can be OK if it's just a small amount, and you're among friends and it's a casual event. Likewise elbows on the table.

In any formal setting I'd follow the standard rules, but I eat my food according the way the cuisine intends, so no knife for pasta, will always give chopsticks a go before giving up and grabbing a fork, and I will shovel in my peas, because there is no reason other then snobbery not to.

Saying that, if I've made a delicious sauce, I'll lick my plate afterwards! But only when I'm home alone. 😁

YANBU, and I am sorry your husband is being a complete and utter dick. LTB.

However, you posted this as a comment on a thread, I think you meant to make a separate post xxx

The only thing that I disagree with from the "old" ways is always leaving something for Mr Manners. IE: the idea that it is rude to eat everything on your plate, you should always leave something.
Nonsense. Nothing in it but snobbery. I can't bear wasting food just to prove you are not poor or greedy. If you want all of it, eat all of it, or don't put it on your plate.
Everything else from the "old" ways I would keep tbh.

Re. table etiquette, most should definitely be challenged as they are hangovers of the English class system and horribly outdated....because only poor working people tucked into their food with gusto. Any sign that you were hungry, like bringing your food towards you or taking large mouthfuls, were considered common and just not done by the gentry.

'poor working people' had table manners too. My late dad, b.1916, and his siblings, always said their dad was very strict about table manners.

People wear pyjamas to breakfast in a hotel???!!!

I think I must be getting old because I always thought you needed to be smartish, even at breakfast.

So many people are just listing things they think are rude.

For me

I grew up believing the toilet seat was always put back down by the person who lifted it, always. Female dominated household, and my dad was well-trained / polite. I was horrified when I started going to boyfriend's parents houses and the toilet seat was up when I went in. Grim. it never occurred to me that people did this.

I'm the only woman in our house (two teenage sons and DH). The toilet seat is always put down by the last person who lifted it - unless FIL comes to visit 🙄.

I thought it was to do with when, in days long gone, people emptied chamber pots out of windows. If the gentleman was on the outside he was more likely to cop it than the lady!

Licking any cutlery is ill-mannered. I don't want to see any tongues while I'm eating.

Security guards are people too. It's just acknowledging their existence.

All aligns with what I was taught about table manners as a child tbh apart from the upside down V for seconds.

Agreed. We weren't well off by any means and good table manners were insisted on. What's horribly outdated please?

Nonsense. Nothing in it but snobbery

But this applies to most of the etiquette. Why try to balance three peas on the back of your fork when you can scoop up a dozen? What actual difference does tipping your soup bowl away from you make? Not doing these things doesn't make you a savage, it just means you eat your food in a more convenient way.

It’s a silly rule anyway. Some countries think finishing your plate is rude and some think not finishing your plate is rude. It’s just nonsense really.

I say thank you to them directly before I leave. My mum drilled it into me as a child to say, 'Thank you for having me' . I see no need for a card thanking them again unless for some reason I don't get the chance to say it in person.

It was the same rule with gifts in our house. If the giver was present, you thanked them there and then, which negated the need for a letter. If the person wasn't present, perhaps a relative who had sent a gift by post, you thanked them by letter.

I know, I was horrified. It was clearly incredibly distressing for the relatives.

I agree that it's really not on to ask someone what a hospital/doctor's appointment is for,unless they are very close to you such as immediate family. The thing that always surprises me is people not knowing that you let people off a bus or a train,or out of a lift before barging in! It's not just etiquette,it's basic common sense! I see practically every day now. And don't get me started on servers in restaurants who bring one person's food 10 minutes before the other person's .Yes I'm looking at you Nandos

Interesting- I never use cycle lanes because there is too much confusion at junctions. Far safer to be on the road where drivers understand they have to let you past before pulling out.

The HC says 2 abreast is fine - it's safer for the cyclist as it forces cars to use the other carriageway to pass and they give more room.

100%

Namechanged just in case, but ... people turning up to stay for a few days, bringing absolutely nothing with them, eating and drinking everything in the house, and fucking off again.

Educated, intelligent professionals, well paid, well travelled. Richer than us. Why the fuck would they not bring a bottle of wine, at least?!

Not dipping bread in soup. This was hammered into me at school, even though I didn’t see any problem with it

Oh this reminds me of another one my df said was bad manners - dunking biscuits!

I do get the soup bowl, you can get the dregs out with less risk of tipping it all over your best dress. Although I am not sure accidentally slopping it over the host's best tablecloth would go down well.
I have already done the pea thing to death with another poster, but it is inefficient to mash them on the back of your fork, or stab at them with the tines when you can neatly scoop them with an adjusted grip so you aren't sticking your elbows out. I like peas, and I like them whole, not a green mush on the back of my fork.