To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

If the two older ones are happy to share why not test run it and see how it goes? Might help DSD to have her half sister with her.

You seem to be worried about what could go wrong but maybe give it a go?

Younger DD is going to be put out but your right to prioritise the most vulnerable one . X

They normally are happy to share, at the moment dsd doesn’t want to come at all and we’re not predicting her arrival to go smoothly (not her fault).

Until things die down a bit I want to protect dd from witnessing or feeling she has to deal with dsd’s upset even if that’s what she thinks she wants. If things calm we can/will regularly reassess.

Ah ok, that’s a fair point. Maybe sell it as that. That DSD needs a settling in period and you’ll reassess in 4 weeks?

Move DD 8 into DD11's room that has a bathroom. Less of a downgrade but DSD still gets her own space.

It’s lovely that you’re thinking carefully for DSD.
Given the upheaval she is facing, I wonder if continuing with what ‘usually’ happens when she stays short-term would be best so it doesn’t all feel odd - she shares with DD1 this weekend - and you or DH talk with her in the early days about the longer term plans and gauge how she feels.

Not many. But to lose to her half sister and her bedroom will upset her

Has anyone asked dsd what she wants

to share with 11yr as normally does

or own room

and make clear it’s not set in stone

(though I'm not personally convinced that small children should sleep alone ever)

Why?

If you can fit 2 in each room then surely as your eldest dd is going to have to share, as a compromise she can keep her room and her younger sister move in with her.

I am not convinced this is right for the 11 year old daughter. She should not have to give up her room.
The eleven year old has gone from being the eldest to a middle child. She is a pre teen and unless the youngest in her school year she will be changing schools.It looks like she will be told to give up her room. You must consider her feelings as well and not only your step daughters as this could have a knock on effect. You even admit you are putting your step daughter first. I can honestly say I would never do that and can't understand you doing it either.

You sound like a lovely step mum and this idea sounds like the right way to go. If you have to, take middle child aside and gentle remind her that big sis is going through something really sad and life changing and as much as she may be sad to give up her bedroom for a little while she needs to imagine how her sister is feeling right now.

Tell her how proud of her you’ll be if she does this and give her a little reward. Once DSD is with you have a nice cosy nice night and order their favourite take away or go out bowling etc. Jump straight into all of you being together being a positive and happy thing.

Sounds like you are being wonderful and caring!! How about if DD8 goes into DD11 room, but with the guarantee that in the evening she can have sole use of your bedroom until bedtime for her own space? That way DD11 doesn't have to give up her room and only realistically is "sharing" for sleep purposes. We have had to do something similar with our two boys in the past, and it took minimal effort to get a few bits into our bedroom that was purely for my youngest so my eldest had a bit more "space" . It didn't impact me or my husband as we would be downstairs anyway at this time. Hopefully that would make your DD11 feel like her feelings are being respected.
In all honesty though, hopefully as the situation settles and you all have time to see how things go it might all change at their own requests anyway! Plus there is a clear end in sight with the building work, maybe the promise of newly decorated bedrooms for all might help?
Good luck OP, it must be hard but you sound like you are doing fantastically for them all and they are lucky to have you!

Mental. You'd sleep downstairs for a year so none of the children have to share. 🙄🙄

From your updates. I would explain to younger two that they need to share until bulding work is done to create more space.

Your right in thinking dsd will be unbalanced/distraught and that your 11 doesnt need to be in close quarters with a very upset teen.

OP it sounds like there’s no animosity between your DD11 and DSD. Your DD just wants to share with the more exciting older sister. It’s understandable but not appropriate in these circumstances. I’m actually pretty staggered by the number of posters who are placing the wants of an 11yo anywhere close in priority to the emotional pain of a 14yo. But MN isn’t the most sympathetic to step kids.

My brother has a similar family structure but there are two older and three younger. The older ones have always had their own bedrooms even though they only lived there PT while the younger three (2G & 1B) had to share one room even when the eldest DD of the 3 was in high school). The older ones went to private school while the younger ones went to state school. And the ex and the 2nd wife hate each other and have no communication or relationship. Despite all of that the kids get along really well and genuinely love each other. So I think your DD sharing a room for a few months or a year isn’t a one way ticket to disharmony.

You are doing the right thing for the right reasons, you know that, please just have the confidence to go ahead and do it as you have said you can reassess as you go along and if it seems like DSD would prefer to share with your 11 year-old and you don't think she will traumatise her. You can always move the two older ones in together. Nothing is set in stone just play it by ear. But you're doing the right thing for both the older girls to start off with DSD in the room she knows that has some of her things in it by herself.

Poor DSD being taken away from her mum her friends, her school and everything she knows when it's not what she wants is really tough and I can imagine it's going to be very difficult for you if she doesn't want to come to you well I suspect it's more she doesn't want to leave everything and doesn't want to come to you, but I wish you all the best because it's not going to be Easy. I understand the 11-year-old doesn't want to share with her baby sister, but for right at the moment it's the best option.

I hope you are able to do the loft conversion. I think that would be a much better solution than the other option because the other option might make DSD feel she's not welcome in the house. And I do think it would be ideal if you and DH to have the new attic room and the girls to each have a room on the same floor.

I wish you all the best, and you know where we are if you want to chat more once DSD arrives 🤗

No, I think you're being very sensible to hold back the details of what has happened.

Without needing to know the details, I can imagine a lot of scenarios where an 11 year old is better off not having a lot of 1:1 time for late night heart to hearts with a newly traumatised older sister. Putting them in together would be at least creating favourable conditions for that, and I can easily imagine that being something a responsible parent would want to avoid.

"I understand that could not just backfire on my relationship with dd but also the relationship between dd and dsd."

And yet you are still intent on moving your own child. Shocking, it could lead to middle child syndrome, anger at your step daughter, accusations of favouritism.

You are moving a eleven year old who if changing schools is going through a change in her life. 67% believe you are wrong. I am shocked that even knowing your relationship with your own daughter would be compromised you are still going ahead.

The silly reply about wicked stepmother applied to me upthread is not true. I would let my step daughter live with me, treat her as one of the family but at my own daughters expense , no chance.

I make no apologies saying my own children would be my priority I am their Mother. This lady could reap what she sows with her own daughter.

This. The idea that @dontsayplease is favouring her DSD over her DD is not necessarily true at all, and PPs whose only reaction to this is “I would never choose a stepchild over my own child” are seeing things in the starkest black and white oversimplifications.

As always, some odd suggestions, I wonder how many posters are actually sleeping in their living room so their DC can each have their own bedroom.
OP, in your situation I would tell the 11yo that she shares with her younger sister for now but she will get the new room. Sisters sharing at 8/11 is perfectly normal.

Sharing a bedroom with your sister - temporarily, due to a family issue - is not being second priority. If it is talked about openly and honestly it needn't be a problem long-term and might even foster a closer relationship between the sisters.

Even if it doesn't, having a comfy, warm, dry bed in a shared room in a house with your family who love you and have thought this through carefully and explained it to you is not going to end up in long-term harm.

This is why you should never ever be a stepmother. Also, your post is irrelevant.

@dontsayplease

I hope your first week is going as well as could possibly be expected under the circumstances x