DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

Time spent with the child is play therapy, helping the bereaved child to work through their feelings practically, rather than wholly verbally.
Even very young children can use paint to express their feelings, they choose colours and make marks, possibly with just their hands on large pieces of paper. Just rolling and banging play dough around can be therapeutic.

Please don't dismiss the value of play therapy.

This is definitely linked to trauma - babies pick up on things like loss even in the womb and as newborns, letalone as a one year old.
He doesn’t need an EHCP - take him to the GP and ask for a referral for psych support! Also worth looking into therapeutic parenting as a way to support tricky behaviour from children who have experienced trauma.
Also a childminder might be more able to handle his needs than a nursery so worth investigating if any near you have space?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this - what an awful few years and you’re doing amazingly.

Op my heart goes out to you. Cut yourself some slack.

as a parent of a now 20 year old with ADHD my experience of soft play was that it’s too unpredictable and you can’t easily get to your child. I found it horrendous TBH and other parents were a part of that!

my son couldn’t play well in unstructured time, and playgrounds were really difficult. My theory was that a child sees a playground as a ‘safe space’ and so they can go a bit crazy. If you take them somewhere with lots to do but more a natural space - like a woodland or the beach - they can reset somewhat and explore and play without having to negotiate lots of other kids. ‘Play spaces’ do involve a lot of social negotiation and other kids, taking turns etc. sometimes it’s good to just opt out of that. Don’t know if that helps - but worth a thought

I disagree OP’s DS doesn’t need an EHCP. He does. The difficulties at nursery demonstrate that. Psychological support can be included in an EHCP with the benefit of not having to sit on the normal waiting lists and the level of support can be in excess of what is typically available on the NHS.

Lots of good advice here... you have lived through so much and have so much on your plate. You're doing a great job. Others have more experience and advice regarding bereavement, but here's my advice from the point of view of someone working in education-
-Apply for DLA tomorrow. Do it over the phone- you register and then your claim is backdated to the date you asked for the form (not the case if you do it online). You don't need a diagnosis- you need to show ways in which your child needs more care than others typically do at the same age.
Apply for a place at a school nursery. 5 half days might work best. They will have more experience in offering support and applying for an EHCP. You will probably have access to the school SENDCO too. Don't worry if it's not the school your child will go on to.
Get as much help in as you can/make the most of holiday clubs to get yourself some breathing space- the holidays are coming up and it's not easy with 3 children at home. I agree with pp- other adults can be very judgemental and not realise the amount of work you are putting in just to leaving the house. I think your sincere apology followed by "He's been struggling with his behaviour since his Mum died" is a completely reasonable response, above all because it's true.

I dropped back in to say similar OP, to see how you are getting on today and to offer support again. All parents have rough patches. parenting is tricky and you have had more than many to deal with so it is unsurprising you are having a bumpy time.

Someone once said to me if all you achieve some days with your child is to let them know they are loved, then have done your most important job that day.

This sounds really tough. Have you explored a play therapist? As it sounds like your DS is grieving the loss of his mum. Rather than soft play, could you take him to parks where he can run and burn off some energy.

ADHD and autism

+6

Under the NHS "Right to Choose" (RTC) in England, you can select which provider assesses you for ADHD and autism, but this pathway also includes other mental health services. While neurodivergence is the most common use of the scheme, the legal right extends to a wide range of elective healthcare. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Under the NHS Choice Framework, your legal right to select a provider applies to: 1, 2, 3]
Mental health services (such as therapies and psychiatry)
Elective care (like surgery or clinic appointments)
ADHD and Autism assessments 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Because of exceptionally long waiting lists for neurodivergent assessments, RTC has become highly associated with ADHD and Autism clinics. However, you can use RTC for other physical and mental health treatments across England. 1, 2, 3, 4]

Couldn’t read and run.
My eldest’s biological dad passed away 2 years ago, days before his half brother was born. He was about to turn 10 at the time. When he was 3 his dad was given 6 weeks to live (he obviously lived for another 6 years) and we had to prepare him for his dad dying. Have you reached out to Winston’s wish? They can offer support for you both and advice, social stories etc.
my eldest was an incredibly wonderful but angry child and would often attack others. He’s since been diagnosed with AuDHD and just before Christmas his grief reached a climax where he attacked his younger sibling and threatened to hurt himself. We reached out to social services and CAHMS. We’re still on the waitlist for CAMHS but SS have opened doors for him to receive specialist grief support. I would get in touch with them and your local family intervention services.
You have my whole empathy as I completely know what it’s like to have a household in crisis with no family support. Please reach out to as many services as you can, advocate for yourself and your son. It’s tough but you can do it, you come across as a really caring and wonderful father.

Also to add activities I could take my son to when he was little that seemed to help were:
Swimming sessions midweek in small local pools - they tend to be less busy and he found the sensation of being in water calming. If we got there and it was busy, we left even if I’d paid
Being in the woods - climbing, carrying fallen branches, investigating flowers and bugs. Being in nature again was calming and using his body seemed to get a lot of his inner body feelings expelled
Basically anywhere where there wasn’t lots of people, there wasn’t an expectation to “play” and doing things which involved lifting/carrying/pushing/pulling objects (often called heavy work) to regulate his nervous system. You can do a lot of this at home as well.
Hope some of this helps

You’ve got to be in that soft play with him, over him at arms reach to intervene should anything happen, it’s the only way he won’t miss out and the other children will be safe. My child has profound autism and I had to be with them at all times for safety (they aren’t aggressive but don’t have any perception of danger) I know it’s exhausting and I feel for you.

I don’t know if this helps. But my son was always in trouble at nursery and primary school for rough play, impulsiveness, not having kind hands etc etc. they assessed him at nursery but nothing.
he was always the naughty one. Always in fights. Got suspended for biting. Etc etc. He got an adhd diagnosis late in primary school -specifically for impulsiveness and hyperactivity. He’s at high school now in year 7. On medication, He is form captain for sports. On the a team for all of the sports teams football, rugby, cricket. High school award. Stays out of trouble. Set one for maths and top of the class in everything else. There can be light at the end of the tunnel.Get him assesssed. Earlier the better. Go private if you need to. Boys like this are often super bright and need outlets. Get him into sport. We started with individual sports as he couldn’t cope with teams when he was younger - gymnastics, tai kwando, golf. Moved on to team sports a bit later. Sport will be your saviour.

You can take your other kids to stuff that is less triggering for your youngest or to special needs sessions, or do stuff at home/garden. Free stuff in short bursts rather than expensive stuff. It's a lot easier on you as well. (Sen parent)

Change your expectations of what he can achieve/manage/behave for. Spot the signs, leave at the first sign, don't think you can get away with a few more minutes. (Tried that, it does not go well)

Do things for short bursts of time where you can helicopter and intervene.

Try to keep regulated with food, hydration, temperature, noise, sensory input.

It's tough being a single parent to a child with additional needs. Good luck.

It’s worth popping in to your local community centre. If they run a crèche, they will have access to all kinds of help. Even if your son is too old for crèche, they should be able to lend an ear and point you in the right direction.

How is he at home with his siblings? If he does get violent with them, how do they react? Is this only in situations where he doesn't know the other children?

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Life must be very hard and bleak for you at the moment. I had a difficult time with my son when he was a little boy and he would fight left, right and centre. I used to wake up with a feeling of dread every morning. He was a loving, very kind child until he was amongst his peers. People are so judgmental which makes it very, very hard. I would advise you speak initially to your Health Visitor to start some sort of help and don’t let them fob you off. He may well have ADHD and once that is diagnosed you may be able to claim some sort of allowance. I feel so sorry for you and your little boy, you need help, particularly under the circumstances. On a brighter note, my son ( heading towards his 50’s now ) went on to university, has got a fantastic, very well paid job, lovely family and great life style. I wish you all the best and you carry on doing an amazing job with your children. They are lucky to have you.

My child was difficult when younger, it's normally due to them not thinking before acting, some children can regulate emotions better than others and have a brain that allows them to think before acting. We did lots of courses on children behaviour management, applied everything consistently and it worked wthim . I will summarise tips but you have to be super consistent. Chatting to him about it won't make that much of a difference he needs instant rewards and consequences that you enforce consistently no matter what. He might be adhd.

1. Get rewards and sticker jars. Make sure to make a big fuss and big deal of good choices and good behaviour. Reward immediately with something he likes like a treat, or hug or toy. Offer him 3 warnings for behaviour, tell him this is final 3rd warning for example. Count to 3, then instant consequences.

1. Tell him what you expect from him when you go out. Simple stuff. I expect hands to yourself when at the playground. If hands are to yourself you get an ice cream, if not we immediately leave or tie him to a child's leash or buggy. Follow through every time and ignore the tantrum.

1. Ignore tantrums or arguing. Simply say 'I can see you're angry, we are still leaving'. Make it boring for him, arguing or raising voices or smacking will give him a dopamine high so he actually wins if you escalate. That's why adhd kids don't respond to normal parenting techniques. Chat gtp can give you examples of instant consequences that you can enforce in different scenarios with him if you don't know what might be appropriate.

1. Make sure you have a way to contain him so your other kids can enjoy being out, child's leash, buggy you can strap him etc. I will say it again, ignore the tantrum, after 3 weeks of knowing what to expect from you he will stop.

1. Keep outings short initially so he gets a chance to do well and get rewards, make sure he is fed, reduce sugar and keep any screen time as a reward rather than a given.

1. Show him when he is calm what to do when angry. E.g. when angry we shout in a pillow, mum can spin you around, you can stomp up and down, walk away. If possible practice it again and again with him. Read books about anger. Remind him to come to you when angry when he is out.

7.Predictable routines,bedtime routine etc will help too.

1. Exercise him. Get his energy out by giving him chances to use his muscles.

Good luck he can improve :) your local council might do free parenting classes for meurodiverse children. They helped us lots.

I'd definitely look into play therapy for your wee boy. There are often churches and charities that can offer therapy for free for children in crisis, so please look for your area. Have you updated your HV that his nursery have asked you to remove him?

You could maybe look and see if there is a childminder who would be willing to take him even 1 or 2 days a week, without having other children in their care at the same time?

Very sensible advice. Slapping a label on this child when there is most likely nothing wrong with him would be doing him a disservice. He needs careful grief management and his case is complex due to how young he was when his mother died.
Dad is doing his absolute best here, all the time grieving himself.

I would agree with pp that taking him swimming is a good idea. Stick some armbands on him (ignoring the trendy anti-mantra) - it’s hard work and he can move nowhere faster than you.

Plus if he does turn out to have ADHD a lot of boy competitive swimmers do in my experience (because my kids are very good despite wearing armbands as toddlers).

You need to stay close to him. He must’ve been a distance away if he had pinned another child down and hit him multiple times by the time you reached him. His larger size is even more dangerous to smaller toddlers.

Hi

You are understandably at a loss for what to do. My son is adopted, he came to me at 1 years old, he's 16 now and still struggles with a trauma that he has no recollection of. All behaviour is communication, there has to be a feeling behind his actions, getting to the bottom of that will help. No end of reward charts will fix how they are feeling and love alone is rarely enough.

Have you considered joining the National Association of Therapeutic Parents, they encourage trauma informed parenting and can put you in touch with other parents in similar situations. Sometimes its just good to talk to someone who has similar lived experiences. They also do a series of children's book qhich deal with their feelings and behaviours so they can understand why they feel the way they do. Your parenting journey will be very different to some that have birth children (although some birth children suffer trauma too).

I hope this helps.

I can hear the fear, worry, guilt, in your post. But also huge love for your boys.

I have no advice. My sister died very young. Her boys were 4 and 9 at the time. They are growing into wonderful young men. I don't live near them but a lot of my family do, and they do what they can to help.

Would it be possible to move closer to your in laws? I know you said you don't think they could handle a 3yr old which is fair, but if they stayed for a few days another adult in the house could be a help to you.

As others say, watch him like a hawk and keep him away from over stimulating activities.
if you know he can attack other children why was he more than arm’s length from you? Also, if he is at a distance you are not observing him as closely as you could and so will miss triggers.
Get his behaviour under control before a bigger kid comes along and wallops him for high his little brother.
speaking of brothers-are siblings physical with him? If so he may think this is normal and also be delighting in hurting smaller children who cannot fight back so he csn see them suffer.
There is a lot going on op and while it get resolves the adults need to take responsibility and manage his behaviour so no one else gets hurt.