AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

Some people sadly are take take take i would be upset by this too . Let her birthday pass by because I wouldn't say she was a true friend if she hasn't even checked in on you

Interesting the reply was so quick, curt and dismissive. And, that the friend hasn't reached out since, to clarify or other usual chat.

What else has happened? What else could have put her off?

If there is absolutely nothing else, the friend is a user and feels aggrieved OP has overstepped the bounds of their friendship somehow. After 30 years this behaviour really is odd as OP would know her friend's daughter, no? Also, OP offered to pay. She didn't demand a freebie for all her dh has done - did she?

I think it's a pretty dismissive message given the closeness of your relationship and the favours she and her family have received from your family.

It's just one thing though. One message that missed the mark. Seems a pretty small molehill to let grow into a mountain if the friendship is so long and close. So that makes me wonder if there has been more going on - maybe stuff that's been sitting uncomfortably with you for a while? A lack of balance? Something else?

You say it's been 4 weeks since the exchange and no contact since. When did she get back from the holiday? Would she normally have messaged you by now? Or does she generally wait for you to contact unless she wants something?

Why wouldn't you ask her daughter directly?

I’d not ignore her birthday but I’d also not make a particular fuss … however

Please, please, please promise that you’ll say exactly this next time she asks - because the CF will!

YANBU, OP. There’s nothing transactional about wanting a friend you have gone out of your way for to treat you with a little grace.

I would be suspicious about the 4 week silence. It’s very telling about her value on your friendship, that she must realise she has hurt. Expect her to reappear suddenly, with a breezy hello and long time no speak, and impatience and disbelief if you bring this up, as if you are being a silly child. She won’t want to lose her free handyman. Don’t be manipulated. I loved the pp’s suggestion of telling her your DH only does DIY for you now. See how long she wants to remain friends without the freebies.

edit to add: I would not acknowledge her birthday, unless you can style it out, knowing full well that you are cutting off her taking advantage of you and your DH. A card will suffice, don’t buy her anything.

If you have not replied to her she might think you're sulking and be thinking stuff you?!

She’s not much of a friend if that’s the case. No loss to OP

It’s a little unfair maybe to be upset your friend hasn’t been touch, when you haven’t been in touch and you didn’t reply to her last message. She doesn’t know you’re upset, so maybe that’s why she hasn’t asked if you’re ok? Don’t let a long friendship end over something that wasn't even in your friend’s gift to give you.

Did your message ask about her holiday etc, or just about the nails?

I am confused, if you are willing to pay, why not just go to a nail salon?

Your friend responded as she knew her daughter no longer wished to do this work. There seems to be a slight disrespect to those who work in the beauty industry.

I work in HR and if I told people I didn’t want to engage in the anymore, no one would question it and they would respect my decision. However, a nail technician (a trained professional), says they don’t want to do it anymore and it’s up for discussion. It’s weird.

Perfect response!!!

If you look back at it, are you always the one who initiates the messaging? Is that why there's been this radio silence, are you the one that keeps the relationship alive? If not and you value the relationship I would call her and say listen I care about you a lot and value your friendship but currently I'm feeling like you don't value mine. I don't mind at all that DD can't do my nails, though I think it would have been nice to have asked her given all the support DH and I have given you, but I am upset that you responded in a way that felt dismissive to me, like I was just some random person asking for a favour not a close friend. I am also sad that you haven't reached out to me in 4 weeks. I care about our friendship so wanted to talk it through with you.

Hopefully she will be suitablu apologetic and give an explanation eg I'm so sorry, DH and I had just had a big row when I dashed that message off. If she's not you will know where you are.

This!!

I know it’s not the DD’s responsibility necessarily to pay back on behalf of her mum but I’d say ‘I’ll have a chat with her and see what she says. You’ve helped me out a lot so I’ll see what I can do.’

Ignore her. She knows what she did. You don’t need friends like that.

I’d feel the same OP - to not even ring to explain if there is a good reason is not great from someone who you considered a good friend.
I’d just text her on her birthday and leave it at that.

I'd be annoyed by this tbh. Sometimes the discovery of who are your real friends and who arent is a big surprise.

Hope you got them done at a local salon and have a lovely holiday.

Im going to come from the DD's perspective on this one. I am a qualified hair stylist and my mom who is such a kind person but an absolute pain in the ass for offering out my hairdressing services to her friends.
I try and accommodate but I'm not going to lie I do get a bit pissed off as my life and schedule are extremely busy already. I no longer work in a salon and actually currently do a completely different job, so she may well like me have left the nail salon as she fell out of love with that trade.
So your friends DD could be juggling alot and your friend may have heard her DD complaining about feeling the pressure of everyone asking (as i do alot of the time). Thats not saying they dont appreciate yours and your husbands help, I would like to think they really do. But it is difficult when the thing you need they cannot give you themselves, they have to ask soneone else.

Hi op she could be thinking I messaged last so will leave it until you reply she might have had a crisis or health issue or anything. If you want to keep the friendship you need to make the first move otherwise your never going to know the truth also her way she explained it was hurtful but she might have no clue your upset by this. I would just text say hi how was your holiday then leave it up to her next time she asks for a favour just say oh no he’s done with helping others out he is a bit fed up of it now. I would even say he feels used by people asking him for help.

You know what I always think when these situations come up?

Every time I think ”It’s the thought that counts.”

And it sure looks as if your good mate didn’t give you a second thought.
I’d just file that away for future use.

I’m sending you love from faraway ❤️

That’s very unfair on you OP. Now I know why I don’t have many friends, cba.

She's probably done you a favour. You don't want to develop allergies if her daughter doesn't cure the nails correctly and has no insurance.

But I would also respond to any future DIY requests with a "sorry no can do"

Doesn't really sound like a friendship, more like an odd form of voluntary employment where your husband does all the diy, for nothing!!

Absolutely this.

I think the no contact in 4 weeks is a much bigger issue. Normally do you always message her first? As ive got older I've lost several friendships when I realized that it was always me texting them, inviting them out, planning things for them. When you stop initiating you'll see how she values the friendship and you. If I hadn't heard anything from her by her birthday I wouldn't acknowledge it.
As a side note I find it shocking that over the years she hasn't so much as got your husband a bottle of wine for all the work and help he's done. Can I ask what you get from the friendship honestly? Does she provide you support, plan things for you etc. Id honestly leave it and see how long it takes for her to make contact

This is your best friend of 30 years OP. 30 years to know this woman inside out, to know whether she is dismissive or not, whether she's a taker not a giver, and whether the friendship is reciprocal or not. So, assuming from the length of the friendship you've had no serious issues till now, should you be really rethinking on the basis of this one thing?
Its more than possible she asked her DD when you first mentioned it and DD said no, so she didn't need to ask her when the message came. It's also possible she was on a trip, in a shop, her meal had just arrived or something when you messaged, given she was on holiday, hence the short reply.
Surely a best friend of 30 years gets the benefit of the doubt?