AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I don't think it was her favour to give to you. Perhaps she was able to respond quickly because she knew her daughter absolutely wouldn't consider doing it (for whatever reason) so no need to check again.

I think it's fair enough if her DD doesn't do nails anymore and wasn't involved in asking for free work from your DH.

She doesn't own the house he decided to do DIY in so it's really nothing to do with her.

It's hard to call as, like you said, her DD is an independent adult. Is it possible she did ask her DD after you'd mentioned it at your house, the DD said no, and then your friend felt awkward about it and waited until you messaged to tell you no?

You're definitely NBU. I would feel exactly the same way as you do OP. l personally couldn't have allowed someone to do all those jobs in my home without payment of some kind. Be that cash, vouchers to go for a meal, a night away etc. I think you and your husband have been incredibly kind to your "friend" and she has totally taken advantage of that kindness. I'd be tempted to let her birthday come and go without so much as a card. If her daughter isn't doing nails fair enough, she could have treated you to a salon visit before you went away. Enjoy your holiday 💐

There's really nothing to sort - she said her daughter wasn't doing nails outside her own & mum. No reply needed so no reason for her to assume there's an issue or 'check in' about it. Move on.

And if you/DH don't want to offer DIY help, then don't. You presumably are doing this for your friends not their daughter and if it bothers you that much then next time just say sorry no can do.

Move on and try not to overthink a very innocuous exchange.

I absolutely agree with @OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving

The fact you and your DH have done so much for them and they haven't reciprocated or acknowledged this in any way indicates they are life's takers whilst you and your DH are life's givers.

Please don't bother doing anything else for tthm.

I completely get her DD didn't owe me anything. I think what's upset me is that, after everything my DH has done for all of them over the years (including putting up her DD's TV and shelving, assembling her bed etc.), I'd have hoped my friend would at least ask. If the answer was still no, I'd have accepted that.

She may well have asked her previously and already known the answer, but if that's the case I'd have preferred her just to say, "I did ask her and she doesn't want to do anyone else's nails anymore," rather than simply saying, "She only does mine and her own."

Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

Just to clarify, we don't offer DIY help, my friend asks when they need something doing and my DH has always been happy to help, including jobs for her DD.

Also, it's not normal for us to stop messaging each other. We usually chat several times a week, so two weeks of silence is unusual for us.

Thank you :)

😂love this

That’s the trouble with doing lots of favours for people. We subconsciously hold on to it and feel surprised when something isn’t reciprocated. It’s totally understandable. Maybe your husband needs to pull back a bit. And it might have been better if you’d contacted the daughter directly. You must know her well after all these years?

She was tactless in her phrasing. Maybe because she was embarrassed. Her daughter has obviously made it clear she doesn’t want to do your nails.

It’s quite uncomfortable, isn’t it. Sorry this happened. We can be generous, it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.

her message could have meant that her daughter doesn’t like doing it really or isn’t good at it (maybe she got negative reviews?). I wouldn’t be upset about it at all. It’s also quite an intimate thing?

your husband doing diy is another matter. He can simply say no next time it comes up as it sounds like it has become far too often

Next time she asks for DIY help
Just reply DH doesn’t do DIY anymore just for us and DC ( if you have any )

See I think if she had refused to do something for you that would be out of order. It's not her though. It's her daughter. I know she replied right away but her daughter may have already made it clear she's fully booked, or won't do favours for her mum, or maybe there's something going on in her life you don't know about and isn't your business.

Is it not possible that she has assumed you would infer 'ive asked her before and its a no' from what she said though? How else would she know her DD only does hers/her own, unless her daughter has explicitly said that in the past, so isnt the subtext obvious here? Sorry if i've misunderstood.

She shut you up pretty quickly. Clearly hadn't asked her DD and was making it clear she wouldn't ask her either. Rude and dismissive. You were hurt and you were right not to reply. Interesting she hasn't contacted you for 2 weeks. Not as good a friend as you had thought.
You know what to do next time your husband is asked to do something for her or her family.

Sounds like your side is doing all the giving and, whilst I agree it’s not her favour to give, I’m going to bet that your relationship, in general, is pretty one-sided. Surely she could have had a word with her daughter.
Maybe it’s time to really assess this relationship…

I would keep the non communication going and see if she ever gets back in touch with you @FeelDeflated . If she does and her message is one asking for a 'favour' from your DH you will know exactly where you stand in her priorities.

Have your own boundaries though and don't leave yourself open to any more hurt.

And go and get those nails done by a professional, decent nail artisit and if you just happen to see your friend in passing wave with the back of your hand! 💅😻

This 💯
I’d be sad too.

As the saying goes
“Eaten bread is soon forgotten”
which means that some people forget kindness has been shown to them and they don’t reciprocate.

Thankfully not all people are like that.

Perhaps she was able to respond because her daughter had told her she doesn't want to do anyone's nails anymore.
I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. Unless you were questioning it anyway

This 💯

But YOU are asking for a favour to be returned to YOU when you did none of the DIY.

And you're asking the person who didn't ASK for any DIY to be done.

The mind boggles as to why you should get your nails done and she should do them for you under these circumstances.

I could understand if it was your husband asking your friend and her husband for a favour, but why does any of his work mean that you should get a favour?

Unless you have the clear feeling that you want out of the friendship, I'd talk face to face and tell her why you're upset. If the friendship seemed lopsided even without this last issue then your reaction to your friend's lack of attention to your request about the nails may legitimately be "the last straw" for you. It may also feel like she wasn't listening when you originally asked her about the nails, or that she completely forgot about something that was important to you.

I'd probably have interpreted her quick response while on holiday to mean that she HAD asked her daughter, daughter said no, and friend had forgotten to tell you until you asked, not that she hadn't bothered to ask her daughter. In your place, I would have reminded her of the earlier conversation and restated that you know daughter has closed shop but hoped she'd help you out this once since she still had the expertise and kit, and you'd pay for time and materials. As she was on holiday when you texted and then you went on holiday the following week, is the two weeks of silence really meaningful or is it possibly just both of you being out of your usual routine? Are you both back home?