AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I would never, ever make my child do something that she didn’t want to do just because my friend asked.

She is probably inundated with friends and family asking her for one small favour.

Should she always say yes because she’s required to show thanks and appreciation.

I teach my child that she doesn’t owe anyone anything.

It’s very misogynistic to expect a woman to do something just to ‘be nice and thankful’.

If you read the thread the OP, didn't expect daughter to do her nails for free she had offered to pay!
I think op has been treated appallingly, all the diy,her husband has kindly done for all.of them for free,and entitled daughter cant put herself out to do op nails. Absolute liberty takers. I hope husband never does another favour for them again

No-mistyped !! I meant she WASN'T there when I needed a friend.Sorry for the confusion!

That’d annoy me too

Oh shut up you daft moo with your misogyny bs - not everything a woman is asked to do is linked to this! I'd tell my son to help out the OP too.

It's not right to tell our kids that they never have to do anything they don't want to. When you've been the recipient of favours, you do owe the person who helped you, something in return if that something is within your power to give. It's rude and selfish to say a blanket 'no' just because you don't fancy it! I doubt the OP and her dh really wanted to spend their free time doing work on the 'friend's' house, but they did it because their friend asked.

Sometines in life you do have to do things you'd prefer not to do or cba with, esp if those favours are for people who've helped you out in the past - you do owe them something. She doesn't have to do free manicures for all her mum's friends, but for the woman whose husband decorated her room/put up shelves and a tv, she absolutely should make an effort.

You go your kids no favours if you let them believe they will never have to repay anything or undertake any task that's not to their own immediate benefit.

You’ve every right to feel pissed off at your friend’s curt response.

If that were me, I’d have said “Ah sorry mate, Jane doesn’t really do nails anymore but I’ll tell you what, you and Dave do so much for us, how about a voucher for X salon; you can go there and get your nails done for your hols on me and I’ve transferred you some euros - treat yourselves to a cocktail when you get there”

Leave the texting and enjoy your hols

I think the DD favour is separate and isn't relevant.
Is your friend a good friend otherwise and helps you in other ways? For instance I can't drive and my friends give me lifts a lot but hopefully I repay them by helping them in other ways such as pet sitting and taking kids to school.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be disappointed but maybe the DD has been very clear about only doing nails for her mother and herself already?

I think you're not so reasonable because her DD's time isn't hers to offer.

Well, @FeelDeflated you've had some odd comments.. what does it matter if it was you or your husband who helped ex friend, they were helped, & don't want to return the tiniest favour. As for her DD 'not wanting to' do nails, her mother hasn't brought her up properly, has she?
Bin the both of them. She hasn't even reached out to you to soften the blow. Users. Sod them. Hugs.

But I wouldn’t read that as dismissive, I’d read that as a good friend sending a quick text & not thinking about tone etc. you think with good enough friends that you can just speak quickly, and there’s grace where things are clunky

Is she on a abroad holiday? As said, she might have just done a condensed, to-the-point text. There's no harm in asking for a favour. I can't stand people who say yes, but actually resent it. You shouldn't have pushed your DH to do it. Unless it's someone skint etc, they can pay. Did she stop doing nails because she isn't that good, or confident at doing them? She can't make her DD do them and she's on holiday so doesn't want to give it that much head space.

Oh sorry just in my world married people are a team. Your reply is insulting … grow up

OP some of these replies are batsjit crazy. Whether the daughter wanted to do the nails or not is beside the point… This couple have had free DIY because they are friends of this family. If that was me , I’d be bending over backwards to repay you in some way, not sending your an off the cuff message designed to put you in your place.

Absolutely this- make sure you text it on its own, just like she did.

Your CF friend is a user and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree!

Maybe it would have been better to say "I did ask her..." but I can also see her being reluctant to throw her daughter under the bus

Your husband didn't do any favours for the daughter, though. Shelves appear, garage is sorted - I doubt she noticed who did it and she certainly won't have been concerned about if it was paid for. Please don't fall out with your friends over this. And go to a nail salon.

I agree with you.

I wouldn’t block her. I’d wait and see what she wants when she contacts you again so you can refuse as abruptly as she did.

Friendships are transactional, in a limited way. If I offer to do something for a friend, while it is pleasurable for me to do it, there is an implicit, unspoken assumption of 'well, you'd do the same for me.' When it turns out that 'oh no they wouldn't', it rather takes the gloss of the friendship.

Have you replied to her message @FeelDeflated

She was actually there when he was sorting her room as she was telling him where she wanted everything going. And also, she's not a kid, she's a working adult, so knows the value of money, and should know the value of the work my DH has done for her and the home she lives in too.

I've never thought the jobs my DH has done for them over the years were favours that had to be paid back. Equally, I've never thought she owed me anything. As I keep saying, what's upset me wasn't that her DD didn't want to do my nails at all, it was the rude and dismissive way my friend replied to me.

I would be upset too.
My neighbours help me out with jobs and I always try and do something which they need. I certainly wouldn't also send them a rude message

OK all, I’m going to wind this down now

Just to clarify a few things.

It’s been four weeks since she sent that message and I’ve not heard from her.

I do feel upset. Whether people think that’s unreasonable or not, it’s how I feel. I like to think I’m a kind and good friend, and what hurt me was how abrupt and dismissive her reply felt.

I didn’t expect her DD to do my nails. I simply asked because we’ve been best friends for 30 years and I genuinely thought she might at least ask her DD if she’d make an exception. If she had already asked and the answer was no, fair enough. Equally, if she’d replied with something a bit warmer or more considerate, I wouldn’t be feeling like this now.

For me, this has never really been about the nails. It’s about feeling brushed off by someone I’ve considered one of my closest friends. Yes, my DH has helped them out many times over the years, and we've never expected anything in return. But friendships are usually built on kindness and doing the odd favour for one another, which is why her response took me by surprise.

I’m also surprised that, 4 weeks later, she hasn’t looked back at her message and thought it may have come across as a bit harsh, or wondered why I haven't replied.
I’m still unsure whether to acknowledge her birthday.
Thanks for all your responses

So sorry about this, OP. It’s clear now what the basis of your friendship has been all along. She’s doesn’t deserve you. Xx