AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

The fact you and your DH have done so much for them and they haven't reciprocated or acknowledged this in any way indicates they are life's takers whilst you and your DH are life's givers.

What has the OP done?

I've scrolled back but can't see?

Would you really end a 30 year friendship because you didn't get your nails done by your friend's daughter? That seems utterly ridiculous to me.

Yanbu. In this situation I would have heavily encouraged my dd to do your nails (though maybe she has). And if she refused I would have been apologetic and given an explanation as to why (too busy. Too out of practice or whatever). Her response is blunt.
Having said that perhaps she has just been a bit thoughtless. Not realised the offence she has caused. In her head she is maybe thinking its just nails. You can get them done wherever.
I would be saying no the next time she wants help with diy but dont think is worth falling out over if she is otherwise kind/good company.

I think her tone was at fault, especially if the possibility DD would donyour nails had already been raised. She could have softened the message.

If she has been a good friend for 30 years I'd do what you've always done for her birthday ( otherwise you'll be in put in the wrong - "she cut me off just because DD wouldn't do her nails!). But I'd be stepping well back with the favours, and having a good old think about whether she has ever helped me out much.

P. S. I had a good friend, for over a decade. Saw her though her DD's very difficult adolescence and a problematic divorce. Helped her move house, and was a safety net on the Christmas when she had no-where to go.

Then, one Christmas, I declined to host the friendship group get-together and suggested perhaps my friend could do it this year. End of friendship. My role was to give and not expect, apparently.

It's cheeky. Dont do any more favours for them. Just say we only do our own next time she wants anything.

It is absolutely insane to me that you are thinking of ending a 30 year friendship over this, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Presumably she had previously spoken to her daughter about it so knew her answer, and maybe she was distracted/in a hurry so didn’t phrase it perfectly but that just shouldn’t be a big issue.

So maybe the strength of your reaction tells you that subconsciously you were feeling like the friendship had an issue before this? Looking back on it do you think there’s a general pattern where she takes more than she gives? I mean obviously you’ve said your husband does DIY for them, but other than that do things feel even?

This.

Absolutely this. Yes of course her DD doesnt have to do you a favour but as you said, its really mean spirited of her not to even ask her.

Stop giving so much to her when you are getting nothing back. Relationships ought to at least be fairly reciprocal and frankly, it sounds like she is just constantly taking from you and never giving back.

Stop running to help her! tell her that your DH is now so busy he only does DIY in his own home. She has literally no comeback to that!

DD probably told her she doesn’t want to do it for anyone except her mum because people are constantly asking.

@FeelDeflated Why in gods name has your DH been doing all her DIY for years? They sound like a normal, healthy family and presumably not poverty stricken either. Her husband can't be that useless. Even I'm not and that's really saying something. Have they never offered you so much as a bottle of wine or a few reciprocal favours at some point? If not, then you've been proper mugs haven't you, and I can see why she's stayed friends with you for so long.

Her daughter doesn’t owe you any favours though. It’s the husband and wife who do.

Realistically it wasn’t in her gift to give someone else’s time away for free.
, but I can see how the not-asking the DD could be upsetting.

she wouldn’t be getting anymore favours though…..

She may have already asked DD and DD said no. You can't hold it against her because her adult daughter won't do you a favour! If you were going to pay her anyway just go to the salon! It has nothing to do with your DH choosing to help your friends out with DIY - he's a grown man and can make his own decision on that.

This.

There may have been a fear from the daughter that she would have been expected to do your nails regularly so refused a first time.

Having said that the reply from your friend was inconsiderate & lacking in care especially given everything she has received help with in the past. I seriously don't know how people like that live with themselves. I don't think it's enough to end the friendship but I'd definitely take a huge step back in helping her in the future with DIY.

Perfect response!

She’s charming… what a user. No more helping her.

Crucial question is will your husband refuse to do her jobs or is he a big people pleaser and be unable to say no? Imagine how annoying if she asks you to borrow him and you say no so she asks him and he says yes.

Why are you hurt? None of this has anything to do with the adult daughter.

I think you're being unreasonable. Your DH is the one who has given his time and it sounds like he has done this freely. For all you know other people have asked her DD if she'll do their nails and she's declined as she doesn't want to / doesn't enjoy it – therefore it's not unreasonable for your friend not to have asked her DD and just answered the truth.

Unless she's been a shit friend in general, it would be very silly to get this het up over some nails.

Does she normally contact you or your Dh direct to ask for favours? Given you were expecting to pay, I don’t see it as asking for a ‘favour’ for her dd to do your nails.

I agree with this, it’s all a bit weird to me. I think you are reading to much into her reply and the speed of it, sounds like she’s had the conversation with her daughter previously and so already knew what her stance was. I can’t imagine losing a long friendship over her daughter not wanting to do your nails!!

Or the OP who didn't do the DIY!

Perfectly put

they are takers OP - don’t give any more