AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

you shouldn’t have kept offering DH’s help when you were asked if it was building resentment which it clearly was by your outsized reaction. Crazy! It’s literally nails, and you offered to pay so why not just go to a salon? You need to take stock of why you’ve reacted so strongly about this. Clearly something deeper going on there about the friendship, which is perhaps what you posted on here for. But honestly people who get resentful in the end about offering help need to first learn not to offer the help if they don’t want to do it! Things should be freely given without expectation of return, you’ll be a happier person if you take that attitude

Not to mention the fact that it’s literally her daughter you were wanting to do the favour. For all you know they’ve had a milllion conversations about how she doesn’t want to do nails any more, they might even have fought about it!! You friend knows her child and knows if she’d be able to ask again or not. Clearly it was a not so she fired off a reply quickly to you. I’m glad you aren’t my friend reacting like you have ! Throwing your toys out the pram !!

I’ve been the one that has asked my DH to do the jobs when he’s said it’s a lot of work or tired due to the nature of his job, we both work full-time she doesn’t work, and I’ve gone down there spent the time running out to get parts if needed, and supported him for the hours that he’s been there, so my time too. But that’s not really the point here, it’s the way she pretty much dismissed me with no thought for what we’ve done for her

I never once resented helping, for info, we didn’t offer, we were asked, and were happy to. There’s nowhere in any of my posts that say I’ve reacted strongly except to say I’m hurt and a bit p’d off with her response, that’s the issue here, that I’ve asked for a favour and she’s not felt all the help she’s had from us should be either reciprocated or at least refused in a nice way.

Why does it have to be something deeper? It seems very surface level to me. Friend asks for favour after favour then is quite dismissive the one time a favour is asked in return. She absolutely was fine to say no but could have been apologetic about having to decline. As it stands, friend sounds very dismissive and rude. I would be irritated by the response.

She only had to say that to me, in a decent way, the reply she fired off could have been a nice, sorry mate … not the rude and dismissive one I got

I’m with you 100% on this. Your friend was rude and dismissive and should have handled it better. I’d decline any future requests for help.

Thank you, that’s my point, not the fact her DD couldn’t do the favour, the way my friend responded

How upsetting OP. Nasty way of both of them to treat you like that, especially after you both helping her out when she needed it.
I'd rather have you two as my friends than her.

I'd be going low contact. She needs help from you two? Fuck that.

I'd feel used too.

Next time, don't be available. Tell her you are busy etc. Just block her.

Some people are just users.

YABU

You said that you spoke to your friend about this a while ago.

The friend obviously spoke to DD about it then and the DD was adamant that she didn’t want to do it.

Why would your friend text her DD whilst she’s on holiday and ask her a question that she already knows the answer to.

I don’t understand why you’re so upset.

Your DH doing DIY is irrelevant and the DD doesn’t owe you anything.

You say you would have paid so it’s not like you was expecting a freebie and there’s no difference between you booking in with her or someone else.

^I don’t understand why you’re so upset.
Your DH doing DIY is irrelevant and the DD doesn’t owe you anything.^

Guess you got an empathy bypass @chocoluv

I agree.

There will be more to this that has built up over time and you're now forced to see the one sided aspect.

It never works giving so much - I am now learning. Many people are happy to take.

I would stand firm in not fawning to get back in touch. I really hate this sort of comms, it is in my view deliberately dismissive and passive aggressive. Intended to make you feel anxious.

There is nothing wrong with someone saying No, yet, I agree that this is not particularly well delivered. Wait it out and think about the possibility of never having contact again - she may wait for you to fawn over her if that's the typical dynamic What if you don't?

No.

I just wouldn’t expect a favour from someone’s child just because my DH has done their parents a favour.

DD has stopped doing nails.
She likely has loads of friends and family members who keep asking her to do them but she has already said no.

DD does not do nails anymore. End of.
No means no.

Thank you

It is plausible she asked her dd when it was first mentioned and she said no. Which was why she had the quick response. Her response was abrupt but maybe as close friends she felt she didn’t need to go into detail/ apologise.
However if you feel you are in a situation where you do lots for her and she does little back it’s absolutely reasonable to withdraw that help.

It’s the way the message was delivered, not the fact she no longer does them , or does, but only for a choice few!
and he’s also done favours for the DD

You would have leant on your DD and tried to force her into doing something that she really doesn’t want to do, all for your friend?

Geez I’m glad you’re not my mum
(and I say that with a mum who is in and out of mental institutes and I regularly have to call the police on).

Surely your own child comes before your friend?

OP can literally go to any salon and get it done.

She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

You said she said she only does them for herself and her mum - that’s not a ‘few’, it is literally one other person which is her own mum.

The friend should have just said no she doesn’t do them anymore and left it as that but felt she needed to explain how she only does hers and her mums.

The DD does not do nails for other people anymore.
I bet all of her friends have asked her to do them just one time etc.

You are taking this way too personally.

All we can hope is that she doesn’t have the cheek to ask DH for any more DIY help henceforth - have the excellent ‘sorry, he’s only doing DIY for us now’ ready, along with a hard Paddington stare. Stay firm against the bleating about cost, convenience etc. that will follow. The balance in this friendship has just shifted, even if she doesn’t realise it yet.

Honestly what a bitch! I’d have very little to do with her after that. Not a nice person. Tell her where to go when she next asks you for a favour!

@chocoluv and the friend can hire literally any handyman to get her DIY done - but she hasn’t, OP’s DH has done it for free. No longer.

I think you should talk to her about this. She is your friend and that's when you do with friends.

@chocoluvif my daughter had benefitted from favours done by my friend and her dh, yes I absolutely would tell her that she owes my friend a favour in return. She's being asked to do her nails, not hand over her first born child, so you can spare me all of your 'glad I'm not your child' bollocks. Too many people have the attitude that it's okay to take but never give. You clearly have warped sense of perspective if you think that being made by your mum to show thanks and appreciation to someone who has helped you out loads is worse than having a mum who is in and out of mental institutions and that you've had to callthe police on!

Why are you so transactional?

If DH did not want to do roof tiling and the friend wanted him to help them do it, he is more than reasonable to say no.

More fool him if he’s doing something that he doesn’t want to do.

Do you always immediately jump when your friends click their fingers?

Good point!

Neither she or the dd owe you anything OP, as it was your husband putting the work in.

It sounds to me like dd has already made it clear she’s made a decision not to do nails anymore, which is her right. I made the same decision with sewing jobs.