AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. While on the surface it doesn't look good, I would assume there's more going on that you're not aware of - maybe your friend has realised her daughter is actually crap at nails and is too embarrassed to say. Maybe - as my mother has been known to do - her mother has been offering free nails to all and sundry and the daughter has had enough and put her foot down. Maybe the daughter has told her mother she's not happy to do it outside of a professional setting with the requisite insurance in place, or she's running out of material and doesn't want/can't afford to order more.

If the friendship has genuinely always seemed good to this point then I don't think I would rush to think the worst.

The lack of contact for four weeks over this is more unusual. The friend could be embarrassed about the lack of reciprocity and knows she's got it wrong, or thinks you are cross and is choosing discretion, or there's something else going on in her life causing her problems. Without actually having an honest conversation you'll never know, and only you can decide if the friendship means enough to you to set aside your discomfort over what does look like a very obvious snub in order to find out.

Maybe she's had a lot of people asking for their nails to be done for free now that its not her job and is a bit sick of it.
Tone can be misread in text.
It is strange she's not messaged in 4 weeks though.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. Given the help that was given by your husband - who is presumably helping because the woman and daughter are your friends - rather than him having an open offer to help anyone. Even the daughter should feel some responsibility towards your family for the jobs done by your husband.

They are takers not givers dial down the effort with them and dont let your husband waste his precious free time on jobs your friends husband or herself should be doing or paying others to do.

It is hard when you are naturally a giver my young daughter is that way inclined but I am starting to ask her to stop being quite so giving because I could easily see her ending up in similar situations eg she happily gives to others some of whom are not going to give back. So I try to make her think through things a bit more ...so she is giving but not too much that she loses anything herself

The amount of backbending here to find fault with OP should get some kind of award. Maybe become a new Olympic sport.

OP you didn’t do anything wrong in asking for the dd to do your nails and you were not wrong to feel hurt by the rude way your friend rejected your polite request.

I am so sorry you found out how little you and your dh matter to your old friend. Just resolve not to let her sidle back into your life when she needs something done. Match her energy or even don’t bother and put the relationship out to pasture.

You are massively overthinking this OP.

Her DD would have had lots of people asking to make them the exception.

You seem to think that you should be put above everyone else.

The DD is enforcing her boundaries, good for her.

Your friend has already told you before that DD does not do nails.
She does not need to over-explain or feel guilty for this.

MN is funny because in one thread everyone is saying no means no and no is a full sentence etc but then you get these threads where people think they’re owed a big explanation.

I can’t remember what messages I sent 4 weeks ago and so you for you to think that she’d have given it a second thought it really odd.

The message wasn’t rude, it was just factual,
You asked, she said no and so that’s the end of it.

I really don’t see why you’re making this into a drama.
Perhaps you have other things going on in your life and the stress is coming out the wrong way.

I hope you got your nails done in the end 💐

OP have you had zero contact with her for 4 weeks or do you mean she just hasn’t mentioned the nails in 4 weeks?

Have you texted her and she’s ignored your texts?

I don't think I'm entitled to be an exception at all. I just thought it would have been nice if, after 30 years of friendship and the number of favours we've done there'd have been a bit more warmth in the response.

She hadn't previously told me her daughter doesn't do nails, that only came up in this conversation. If I'd known before, I wouldn't have asked.

It's not the fact she said no that's upset me. I accept people are entitled to say no. It's the way it was said and the complete lack of any follow-up afterwards. We normally text a few times a week, so for there to be nothing for four weeks afterwards feels unusual and dismissive to me.

I'm not looking for a long explanation or suggesting anyone owes me one. I'm simply saying that, knowing how we usually communicate, the message felt cold to me. Other people may not see it that way, but that's how it came across from someone I've been close friends with for 30 years.

I did get my nails done elsewhere , so that's not the issue. The issue is how the interaction has made me feel about the friendship.

We've had no contact at all in the 4 weeks since. I didn't reply to her message, and she hasn't been in touch either. That makes me wonder whether she's realised how it came across, or whether she simply doesn't see it that way. I don't know.

She may not have meant to be blunt, she might have been in the middle of something on her holiday. From her point of view you’ve found out that her dd won’t do your nails and have abruptly stopped talking to her.

I would send her a birthday card. A nice card but don’t go overboard with the card or the message in it. Be friendly but not gushing. I’d hand-deliver it to her home at a time I don’t expect her to be there so you know she’s received it but the ball is in her court as to how the relationship progresses from now on.

I would continue the friendship if she makes overtures towards you but recategorise the friendship, at least for the time being. Don’t be too willing to give and assess whether she really is a taker.

I don't think you've been unreasonable to feel the way you do, I think I would've probably felt the same way. I also understand your issue is with the way your friend responded and not that you feel entitled to her daughter doing your nails. The question now is what next? If you want the friendship to continue then I would acknowledge your friend's birthday, but dial it back if you normally make a fuss for her birthday. Also, no more favours from you or your husband. This will stop any feelings of resentment when she doesn't reciprocate in future. If you're happy to let the friendship go, then don't acknowledge her birthday at all.

This is exactly my issue, and yeah I have a little time to think about how I want to handle her bd, this is good advice thank you

Is it 4 weeks? You said this happened 2 weeks ago in your OP?

Not that it especially matters, I don’t think you’re unreasonable actually. She sounds like she’s come to just expect the help and I’d certainly reconsider next time she asks

You're a nicer person than I am, @FeelDeflated
She could stuff her birthday where the sun don't shine if it was up to me!

@FeelDeflated To be honest, I find it really irritating that a grown woman cannot do DIY jobs herself. This is the bit that would annoy me. Its not rocket science.

But I also think you helping friends/family does not give you the right to expect favors back.

This is your lesson that doing things for other people doesn't mean you are going to receive things in return.

MN will come up with a hundred reasons why you're in the wrong and make excuses why friend and her DD might not want to but it comes down to you having different values and expectations in life.

You're not in the wrong but neither are they. Though life would be better and nicer if people reciprocated help and kindness but the simple fact is, they don't.

Yes I thought it was 2 weeks ago but when someone ask specifically I checked and it's actually 4, can't believe it's been that long.

OP - I totally get that she could have been less blunt, and receiving that text would have been annoying. I’d have been pretty irritated by it.

But we all mess up from time to time, it’s human. Unless she has previous form for being rude or unhelpful, or a user, is it really worth potentially throwing away 30 years of close friendship for?

I can't believe all the responses saying that you are being unreasonable, particularly the ones saying that you didn't do all the work, your DH did, so why on earth would you expect your friend's daughter to do your nails (not even for free).

Your DH did all the DIY work but the request came through you and he only did the work because it was for your friend and her daughter.

I'd be re-thinking the friendship now and certainly wouldn't be doing them any more favours.

Stop, right here. If your DH said it’s a lot of work and that he was tired due to the nature of his job, then that should have been the end of the discussion.

You badly need to work on your boundaries. Why did you continue to ask your DH to provide free handyman services to this 'friend' when he had said it’s a lot of work and that he was tired due to the nature of his job,

I have known a couple people (hairdresser, decorator) who refused to work for friends. Both said it rarely ended well. This may be part of DD's decision.

I can see why you'd feel irritated, but the two favours are entirely different. Your DH has offered to help, but like another poster said, it isn't your friend's favour to ask this of her daughter if she no longer does nails. If you were going to pay for them anyway, I can't see why it would be any more difficult to pay for them elsewhere. My hairdresser regularly tells me how pissed off he is that friends and family ask for haircuts and styling. At the end of the day, it's his job. It sounds as though it's not even your friend's daughter's job anymore so I can fully understand why the answer would be no. If it was something your friend could offer directly and wouldn't, that might be different, but you can't expect other people to give up their time just because she's related to your friend.

She really is showing you who she is.
If she has realised how the tone of her message may have come across, why has she not attempted to contact you and explain/apologise?
Likewise if she hadn't realised why no contact in 4 weeks?
She knows what she did and doesn't give a damn. She doesn't care about the long term friendship.
She's more than likely thinking you will contact her and grovel if she waits long enough.
Good luck to her next time she needs a job done. She'll realise those jobs cost a lot more than getting nails done.

This one 'nails' it! Ouch.

Your friend can't expect her daughter to do you a favour. Thats not a fair position to be in. Forget ir but maybe stop offer to do diy.