AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

Why did you not reply “ok no worries” or something?

The fact that you didn’t reply and neither of you have texted in 4 weeks suggests that the friendship has run its course.

I think it was probably a long time coming if you felt her reply was rudder than normal and you didn’t reply.

This. At some point DD is going to purchase her first home. Who do you think she will ask to do ‘a few little jobs’, her dad? Noooooo I don’t think so. Be ready next time you are approached.

I wouldn’t feel hurt. You asked she said no, you know where you stand now. Just pay it back, when she asks for your husband you just say no. Literally as simple as that

You're not being unreasonable to feel hurt if you never ask anything from them as a family but they've all benefited from your husband's handyman skills.

If they request or even hint that they need his services in the future you'd be within your rights to say that he's not doing jobs outside of your home any more. It's too time consuming.

I think the cooling of the friendship started on your friends side before your request re nails. Her not geing in touch is nothing to do with the nails, your text or her response. Think back to before that.. any signs you now see in hindsight?

I think you’re entirely reasonable here @FeelDeflated. It’s the dismissive tone, as if you’re just another stranger to her DD.

Have you ever gone this long without speaking before? Does she have a lot of other friends? I’m just wondering what the impact would be on your wider circle if you let this friendship go.

When she next needs some DIY, she’ll certainly notice your absence. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that. Even if you don’t speak to her any more, you can be certain that at some point she’ll sorely miss the help you/your DH provided.

What do you normally do for her birthday - does she arrange a night out? I’d be unavailable but IF you wanted to keep the friendship albeit more casual, I’d pop a card through her door when you know she’ll be out. But that’s it.

No contact for 4weeks means she knows something is up - she either thinks it’s your fault for being cheeky/rude/presumptuous, or she’s embarrassed and doesn’t know how to make things normal between you again.

Does she normally only contact you when she wants something and all other chats are initiated by you?

YABU. If it was friend who did nails, fair enough, but the adult daughter shouldn’t be made to do something she doesn’t want to because your OH has helped do DIY for her mum.

I think she maybe showing her true colours. Maybe not the sort of friend you thought she would was

Sorry for your upset
X

I don’t think it would have hurt your friend to ask her daughter to sort your nails given all the favours she has had over the years from your DH. I think you know what to say the next time she asks…..sorry DH only does DIY for us now!

Exactly this! And personally I would feel that I would have to let her birthday go past. If it's petty then so be it, but I'd feel better about it.
I've gone out of my way and done double somersaults for so called 'friends' in the past, I've learnt the hard way. I still give new acquaintances a chance but 'old users' I've now tended to tell them as it is!

I don’t think you should be insisting your DH does things for other people when he’s said it’s a lot of work and he doesn’t really want to. It’s up to you who you do favours for, and it’s up to him who he does favours for.

I also think that you did expect your friend’s DD to do your nails. Maybe you wouldn’t have been so upset if she’d said it in a different way, but the fact you’re conflating favours done for your friend (by your DH) to your friends DD reciprocating by doing favours for you shows you don’t actually understand boundaries. You see your DH as an extension of you and you see your friend’s DD as an extension of her.

It reads like she already ran it by her DD and was told no before you texted. Maybe she felt awkward about saying no so she ripped it off like a plaster and it came across as blunt. It does sound like you did expect it though, as your whole opening post and several since have been about how you’d think your friend would have tried to twist the DD’s arm about it. Why should she do that?

Look back on your messages - who starts the conversations? I think it will be illuminating that you do most of the work in the friendship.

I think the lack of social skills is the problem. If she had said something along the lines of, so sorry, appreciate you used to get them done but she doesn’t want to do them anymore bar herself and mine, hope you understand it might have landed better. But the blunt ‘ she doesn’t do nails anymore only hers and mine’ comes across as abrupt. Text messages are along with emails one of the worst ways of communicating. No tone, no face to gauge how it is said. And the spoken word is much better. Text and email are often the cause of a lot of fallouts.
It shows a lack of social skills sadly.

What a rude, selfish family op. Happy for your dh to do them favours but cba to reciprocate.

It is sad to lose a 30yr friendship but this is so beyond shit I don't know how you'd come back from it.

It of course itsnt about the nails, it's the principle. They are obviously happy to take take take and not return a favour at all. Arseholes, sorry

She probably thinks you're being childish giving her the silent treatment and doesn't want to pander to you by asking if everything's okay.

Id be hurt too to be honest. Whist her daughter didnt ask for diy and probably wont appreciate it even if it was her bed i think if it was my daughter i would be saying look please can you just do her nails as they are helpful friends. If her daughter really wouldn’t she should have said sorry she doesnt have the stuff anymore to be a bit kinder.
just take a step back. Loving the only does our diy though i would prib say sorry to busy atm too much on.

I'd be a bit miffed, more at the fact she's not messaged you for 4 weeks.

If you look back over messages have you always been the one starting conversations? (Unless she wants something)

When you initially asked about her DD doing your nails, how did she react? Surely she either said "I'll ask her" or "I'm not sure if she's still doing nails. She's very busy in her new job". Did you maybe miss/ignore a gentle refusal? Her response, when on holiday, didn't seem that abrupt to me but you obviously know her well. If she hasn't been in touch since it feels like you are both feeling wronged and waiting for the other to apologise?

Oh well no more favours for them OP

THIS all the way!

Her view of the friendship is that she takes, you and your DH give. You asking for something (even something you're willing to pay for) has broken your unspoken friendship contract.

If you tell DH that you don't want him to do any more favours for her will he stop the favours?

I can see why you're hurt OP and I'm sorry this has soured what you thought was a good friendship.

This is my take on it.
Friend has asked daughter to do your nails. She's categorically refused.
Friend may have been embarrassed and annoyed with her, but not wanted to criticise her to you.

She's answered you bluntly, possibly projecting her annoyance with her daughter embarrassing her onto her reply to you.
You've understandably taken offence and not answered. She feels awkward contacting you because she knows you're annoyed/hurt/offended and doesn't know how to handle it.

I agree with other posters that suggested she could have offered to pay for you to get your nails done in a salon.

Feel free to ignore my ramblings.

What does your husband think about the situation?

Your husband is doing diy for your friend. Yet you expect free nails from friend’s daughter???

YABU

Also her message wasn’t dismissive. You are choosing to read it that way.

I'd be inclined to pull back on your DH doing DIY for them and see what happens. If your friendship continues great; if not, they're takers,

Thinking about it, I do the occasional favours for my friends, but nothing like putting up shelves, assembling beds, etc., I'd only do that if someone was physically unable to do it themselves. Your friend sounds abit lazy tbh.

Edit to say that I'd wish her Happy Birthday but not spend lots on her (if that's what you typically do).