AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I would be upset by this too, her tone is abrupt and a bit rude . It now seems to be a bit of a standoff . I’m not she’s I would lose a 30 year friendship over this though. But I agree with a previous poster that you should definitely not do anything else for them.

I think this is really silly, if I'm honest. You asked for a favour, your friend said no, and then you stopped talking to her! She's probably wondering wtf or thinking that you've dropped her because her DD wouldn't do your nails.

I don't think her message sounded abrupt, either. Just factual. She won't do anyone else's nails. Fair enough. Why would you not just say, 'Okay, no problem. Hope you're having a great holiday.'

If you want to sort this out, you'll probably need to start with an apology to your friend. But if you really believe she's just a CF then block her and be done with it all.

YANBU OP. She is bound to get back in touch when she wants some more DIY done. Just bide your time til then and enjoy your response!

Olympic level hair splitting.

Now you know, she’s a rude taker and possibly not that bright because she obviously didn’t think it through when she sent that message. (Takers usually don’t reflect imo).

It sounds like she’s dropped you, so up to you if you want to send a BD card, but whatever happens, definitely no more DIY.

I see your point completely and that would be the last bit of help they got from me.

This is the correct answer

Fuck that, she would be cut from the team immediately

I would be upset by this too.

i dunno, if it were my adult daughter then regardless of the fact she doesn’t routinely do nails any longer I would ask her to do it for my friend as she is my best friend who with her DH has helped us out as family a lot over the years. I wouldn’t have forced her, but I would have asked and explained the circs and tbh I would hope she would say yes, of course no problem.

no more diy for them!

This is why I wish people phoned more rather than text . Sometimes it’s sounds harsher than it’s meant. Still next time they ask DH maybe don’t rush round to help. 30 years is a long friendship though so don’t threw it away over nails.

I'd bet, if you thought back over your long friendship, you'd be unable to remember any time that your friend did you a favour. Ever.

She is one of life's takers, and you are not. You are a nice normal person who sees friends as people you like to help. Because you've never asked for anything from her before, you just didn't realise what a taker she was. And now you do.

It is a bit of a shocker when you realise someone you thought of as a proper friend is actually - not. To be fair, she'll be a friend to no-one, just a taker from all. I would just downgrade her to 'acquaintance' from now on.

Fluffyholeysocks ·
Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

This is a perfect response, by the way. I'd keep it in mind. You'll have to hold firm, she'll try to wheedle you. Takers can get quite shirty when a supply of anything is terminated.

((hug))

I wouldn’t make an issue. Sounds like the daughter had already said no.

I don't know why people seem to think that sometimes, just telling a white lie isn't the nicer thing to do?

"Sure I'll ask her, but she's not really doing nails apart from her own anymore" would have been a much softer way to say it.

OP I think you're being a bit sensitive, but I also think some of the comments on here are just bonkers.

YANBU OP, that was quite horrible. She could have said she’d ask her.

This 👏

I get it op, I’d feel like you. It’s just having that consideration for someone who has been a great friend. And the dd should recognise the support you’ve been too, she’s an adult. Maybe they’ve always been users?
I don’t know what I’d do about the birthday! Probably a quick message to do the right thing- happy birthday Sarah, hope you have a good day X

I'd be more hurt by your 'friend's' lack of contact in the last month, I think.

Sometimes when we stand back from a lifelong friendship, we find that the other person isn't that nice a person. It might be they were always that way but we weren't personally negatively affected by them or it might be that they have changed over the years.

This woman isn't a true friend. It might be difficult as you are neighbours but I'd certainly cut the last threads of this supposed friendship.

I have a friend of 37 years. We have both changed a lot. In truth, if I met her as an adult instead of as a fifteen year old, I wouldn't be friends with her at all.

But the DH’s husband has done the DD lots of favours saving her lots of money. And the OP was willing to pay as well.

So weird she went silent OP! I think she’s very rude and selfish. Do you think she’s annoyed you didn’t reply and is feeling defensive / guilty because she knows she owes you? Either way she sounds quite immature and a bit of a user. Sounds like she leaned way too much on you guys for free labour - way more than a normal friend would. You might be better not being friends, altho I know that’s hard after this long. And you sound like a loyal kind person.

do you think you’ve had an inkling for a while that things have been unfairly balanced? I wonder if you did and for that reason the nail issue was already quite loaded before you texted. Almost a test to see what the response would be?