AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I think it’s weird that you are so upset about her daughter not doing your nails, if DH was upset she wouldn’t do his nails it’d make more sense. You were willing to pay anyway so just find someone else. If you aren’t happy with DH doing her DIY anymore then next time she asks just say he’s not doing it for anyone other than you anymore. It’s not worth the upset and drama you are putting on it though.

As you say, daughter is an adult. She doesn't do nail professionally anymore, even for mates. End of story.

It's not some horrendous aside against you by the woman's mother. Why should she pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do?

There's a million and one other people actually currently doing nails who'd happily take your money.

Don't let this ruin your friendship. The daughter is her own person. Who no longer does nails. Which is fine.

Well it sounds like it’s your DH who has done so much for them so not sure why you think you are owed the favour? Bit cheeky that you think that some how your DH’s hard work entitles you to free nails from the DD of the recipients of his kindness.

She still lives in it though! She still gets the benefit of living in and inviting friends over to a house where the toilet door locks/lights work/sleeps on a bed rather than a mattress on the floor and whatever else OP's DH has done to help out.

Even if the DD said no, the friend could have been a lot more apologetic rather than a blanket 'no soz.' Personally if someone had helped me out that much I would have offered to pay for OP to get her nails done somewhere else. But tbh if someone had helped me out that much I wouldn't wait until they asked me for a minor favour and would have insisted on giving them something in gratitude beforehand, whether that's paying for a few meals out/nice bottle of wine each time he came round or whatever.

I would feel 100% the same OP. Friendship shouldn't be exactly transactional but at the same time it shouldn't be 99%/1% either.

Also if you were happy to pay then maybe your friend didn’t think it was a big deal turning you down because you can easily find someone else to pay to do your nails. Honestly I think you should message your friend and check in on how she’s doing and say let’s catch up before you flush a 30 year friendship down the toilet.

So what, it's her parent's house so she'll have no say in who does the DIY.

Not that the OP did it anyway!

No good deed goes unpunished . . .

I'd be pissed off too, but then I don't give freebies anymore since a friend asked for legal advice and he and his partner then proceeded to have a row in front of us and I've not heard from them since - thankfully 😎

This....tell her your DH bones are becoming a bit creaky and he's slowing down a bit more now.

This is the lesson. It really isn’t about the daughter, it is about the persistently unbalanced relationship.

So sad. Unfortunately some people are like this. I thought I had a really good friend ; our kids were friends and she worked and I didn't so often took her dc to and from school, watched her cats and plants when she went on holidays, supported her emotionally and practically when her dad passed away. And then our children started secondary in different schools and she completely ghosted me. When we run in to each other she says hi with a big smile. I nod politely but don't linger. Just a hypocrite user- I got discarded the minute she didn't need me.

I think your being very unfair in holding your friend responsible for her DD not wanting to do your nails. I can understand being disappointed, I can't understand ignoring your friend over it. The quick response indicates her DD had already told her she wouldn't do your nails. They could've had an argument over it for all you know.

Perfect response

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

This alone means she’s not the friend you think she is, and her reply to you in the first place suggests she gives less than zero shits about helping you out or considering your feelings. A good friend who appreciated everything you’d done for her over the years would ask her daughter before replying in such an offhand manner, and if the answer was no, would at least frame it with an apology. It’s understandable the daughter may be pissed off with constant requests for freebies, but there’s also a reciprocal issue here.

If you’re happy to continue the friendship, you need to reframe the terms of engagement. As a pp said, that’d mean at the very least declining any more DIY help on the basis you’re just doing it for yourselves now.

I am is a similar position to your friend as in my daughter is a photographer who friends of mine sometimes ask favours via me like last minute headshots.

My go to solution is I pay DD without mentioning anything, obviously DD still fits them in last minute at some inconvenience.

I think I would see your ‘friend’ very differently now.

That's mean of her esp after dh has done DIY for the dd too. Your friend could've explained that to her dd & asked her to do it as a favour.
You know what to do if any more requests come along.
I ended a friendship after it was all one way. Their message to me was wishing me a happy Christmas. I didn't respond & they didn't even check that I was ok. I have been through a really bad time & she was there for me when I really needed a friend.

Don’t get this- she was there for you when you really needed a friend but you ended the friendship because she sent you a nice happy christmas message and didn’t chase you up when you didn’t wish her happy Christmas too? 🤔 or am I misunderstanding?

OP- I do think it was off of her - something about the tone and the way she shut it down instantly as though it was wrong of you to ask and it wasn’t even on the table.

like lots of other posters, I’ve had a friendship fall down once I needed some support myself after being the main support giver and it feels pretty horrible when the realisation hits. Sorry. Hope you get your nails done nicely anyway.

Omg so many of us find out ‘ friends’ are just takers! As soon as you need something, they’re off. And the thing is, they have no idea! One woman I know from Pilates was telling me how she’d dumped very long term friends because they said something that rubbed her up the wrong way! “ life’s too short!” She said, and I thought ‘ too short to value friends?! ‘ That’s one way to end up friendless, for sure.

This would absolutely be my answer. It's perfect.

Because my friend asked for all the favours through me, and I’ve also give given my time whilst my DH was doing all the jobs. I’ve been in her DD‘s life since she was born. And my DH has done favours for her DD too , as I mentioned in a previous post, he’s done her bedroom up for her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is how I feel, she doesn’t do anybody else’s nails now, just hers and her mum‘s, if she’d have come back with a bit of an explanation, I’d have accepted that, it was just the abrupt and dismissive way she replied, with no thought for everything we’ve done for them

She knows she was rude. That’s why she has fallen silent. She will start up again when she needs more DIY.

she was on holiday at the time I messaged her so not with her DD, and as I said, if she’d explained it and not being so dismissive i would have accepted that, it was just the abrupt way she replied

Im not surprised you feel hurt . Your friend could have written a less blunt message . Sadly she is one of life’s takers . I’d let them go they aren’t friends .

I agree with you OP. As someone who pays for all DIY, I’d be forever grateful to you and your DH for what you do. If you asked anything, I’d be sure to repay the favours. Infact I’d be looking for ways to repay you, I’d be that grateful. If she really couldn’t talk her daughter into doing them. I’d have booked you an appointment somewhere and paid for the nails myself but I don’t take people for granted.

She should have offered a for nails

bit odd to ask your friends to do hundred of pounds worth of jobs with no guving back