AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

This is perfect!

This is how I feel, it was the dismissive way she came back to my message, and I offered to pay too, I wasn’t expecting a freebie. Just feels very one sided

I can't believe that your husband did all those things for them for free. What a nice guy he is.

But they obviously are users and don't appreciate how much he has done for them.

I hope your husband isn't going to do anything for them now.

But what have YOU actually done?

You still haven't really said.

It’s her daughter’s business what she does now, not down to her mum to decide for her. The daughter might feel like she has to do manicures (paid) for you going forward, which she may not want to do.

Frig that.
Get your nails done somewhere else and noore free DIY

From someone who needs DIY I would do other jobs to say thank you.. She won't so put her to pasture

Your friend is a taker. There are so many of them and I’m sick of them. I’ve been actively trying to do less favours for people who don’t deserve them recently, it’s a surprisingly difficult pattern to break.

Wait, because you’ve been in her daughter’s life since she was a baby you expect her to do your nails (paid or not) as a favour from her to you? Some daughter’s of a close friend would do this, some wouldn’t. Neither the mother nor the daughter have to justify this to you or anyone else if they don’t want to do it though.

My own ex manicurist didn’t like doing home manicures for certain clients including me. Her choice.

So a friendship is transactional that’s right?

Well, it seems you’re keeping score with your friends, who does what and who owes what to whom. If her daughter is at a place at this moment where she only does her mother’s nails and her own, you should respect that. It’s not a slight to you. You’ll probably find you’ll be much happier if you don’t keep score and just allow each other grace.

If I was your friend, knowing how much you’d love to have your nails done, and thinking about all the money your husband had saved me by doing work around my house for years and for free, I would have paid for you to have your nails done at a local salon.

Now is the time for your H to step back from all the jobs he does.

I'm on the other end of the situation. My BIL is very handy and I do ask him to do jobs for us because it's so expensive getting people in and he says he enjoys fixing things etc.

But if there is anything I am able to do for my BIL and DS and their family I make sure I do.

X

With all the favours they've asked for, I can see why you're upset.

It wouldn't have hurt the daughter to do your nails as a one off. It wouldn't have hurt the mom to have a word with her daughter and ask her to do this for you.

I think she hasn't messaged you again because she knows how her response would have been received and she probably doesn't know what to say to you. You ask for just one thing in return and get knocked back. That's poor.

If she had an ounce of decency, she'll know better than to ask for any more favours. I definitely would do what lots have suggested 'my husband only does diy for us now.'

If it wasn’t for the OP, nothing would be done as that’s how they know her DH.

Unbelievable

No, @FeelDeflated doesn't need to keep scores. It's quite easy when one person is doing all the taking and the other all the giving. I presume you're a taker because that's exactly how someone like that would gaslight the constant giver; "one shouldn't keep scores with friends.."

Good Lord, what’s the matter with you? If she feels that this woman is always and only a taker, she should dump her. I have healthy relationships with my friends which seems to be a strange concept to you. Get over yourself and stop insulting people you don’t even know.

She absolutely did owe you this - if it was my daughter I'd have leant on her to do this, particularly as she has benefitted from your husband's free labour over the years. If my dd absolutely refused, I would be do cross with her and do apologetic to my friend. Yours hasn't even attrmpted to soften this! She's shown you who she is and now it's time to step back and stop doing her favours.
My mum had a best friend like this - happy to take all the help and support and freebies, but unwilling to offer the same. Once you see it you can't unsee it. Don't let her make a mug of you!

This is just being obtuse

The friendship has gifted the other person tons of help (via OP), OP wanted a favour in return and it was a straight NO...if the daughter couldn't do it the friend could have offered kindness or a gesture...she didn't

I think your massively overreacting.

Her dd could have easily said Im not doing anyone's nails previously to her mum hence your friends reply, even more so since you massively hinted when you were over there.

Your friends on holiday - I would have sent you same brief reply then got in with my holiday.

I would feel hurt too… and a bit of a mug not to have seen this friend for what she is before now.
DIY stops forever.
Don't chase this friendship - it’s one sided and that would be it for me.
If she asks for help in future say “my H is so busy helping out my new nail girl - she’s turned out to be a fabulous friend”.

Not transactional ..rather balanced and respectful is healthy...one sided is NOT

I think this is the right way to handle any future requests for help. Nope.

That's scraping the barrel a bit isn't it?

She still hasn't done any work but expects to be rewarded for someone else's.

She's not his pimp lol.

This!