AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

And make sure that your DH doesn't do any more favours for them. The lack of gratitude from your so-called friend and her daughter is absolutely astounding.

Why would you expect her DD to repay a favour for her parents? She has nothing to do with the work your DH has done on her parents home. I assume her DD has already told her Mum she won't be doing anymore nails for anyone other than for herself & her Mum so your friend knew to not ask. You'd be ok being upset if it was your friend refusing to do your nails for you but its unfair to be upset that she didn't ask her DD.

Read the OP's posts. Her DH did work for the daughter!

There could be a medical reason why she doesn't do nails any more. I stopped doing complementary therapy because I got carpal tunnel so it was painful for me but also if it was something that required precision I wouldn't have full use of my hands to do a neat job. Maybe she doesn't want the pressure of it hence only doing her own and her mum's.

It sounds like you have had a good relationship.with your friend and that your DH has been generous.with his help. I assume that even when he has helped her DD it has been at her mother's request, so really he did it for her mum.

It is always awkward when some assumes that adult children feel the same about their parents' relationships, favours and help as their parents do.
I have often found that friends assume that our grown up children are willing to help them out because of OUR relationship and not because of their relationship with the now adult children. I usually apolgise and say that they are too busy because I know that they are and honestly dont have time to help out their mum's friends just because their mum does.

Her mum is probably well aware that her DD doesnt want to do work for her friends anymore as it's no longer her job. She cut the question short as best she could. If you had approached the daughter directly it would have been better. Why didnt you?

I think you are overreacting. You are talking about chat messenges not a conversation. It's not her fault her daughter doesnt want to do your nails.

Well you’re going to have it out with her and ask her why she was so rude. Her answer will tell you all you need to know. Having thought on this, yes I do think she was rude. But maybe she was in holiday mode and didn’t want to check to ask her DD. Especially if she knew the answer was no.

More likely he did it at her parents' request not hers

Why didnt you ask the daughter directly instead of her mother?

As I’ve said in my previous updates, this really isn’t about the fact her DD didn’t want to do my nails, or that my friend didn’t ask her, or even that she’d asked weeks ago and didn’t mention it to me.

The issue for me is the bigger picture. Over the years, she’s been more than happy to ask me to ask my DH to help with DIY jobs at her house, and we’ve always been happy to help because that’s what friends do. I also usually speak to my friend a few times a week, so it felt natural and easier to communicate through her.

What upset me was the way my request was just dismissed with a “nahhh, she only does mine and hers now”. It wasn’t about the nails, it was the fact she felt comfortable being so dismissive after everything my DH and I have done to help her over the years.

It made me stop and question the friendship, not because of a nail appointment, but because it started to feel like she was happy to accept what we gave to the friendship but wasn’t willing to offer the same consideration back.

He might well have done, but the fact remains he spent many hours in her room putting up shelves, fixing her bed together and putting up a TV , whilst she was there directing where she wanted it all. If they'd have had to get tradesmen in, she'd have had to wait due to the availaiblity and pay a small fortune no doubt.

I think you are giving far too much importance to a text message. You didn't mention the "nahh" in your original post, by the way. Text messages are notorious for causing misunderstandings, with people often reading into them things that were unintentioned or, on the other hand, missing an intended message.

Whilst I appreciate that you feel somewhat agrieved by her text, you need to recognise that you were asking your friend for something that wasnt hers to give. Maybe her reply was a bit short, but you said she was on holiday

If it was a favor from her that you were asking, then you would have every justification in feeling seriously p *ssed off, but it wasnt. It was her daughter who she obviously cant speak for.

Do you really want to completely end a friendship over this? I would wait and see what she says when you speak to her next time.

You are massively overreacting. i also don’t see the relevance of your husband’s DIY.

It is not really relevant if the request came from her parents. They decided to ask the favor not their daughter. She had no hand in that. She would have to have told anyone, paid or not where she wanted her stuff too.

I dont think she really comes into it. Teenagers dont really think about their parents' arrangements.

It was extremely rude of the friend to reply like that and I don't know why people on here are trying to justify it. Frankly if a friend's husband had saved me hundreds of pounds doing free DIY for my adult kid's bedroom (which they directed) then I would certainly try and get them to do my friend a favour when she asked and if they refused I'd be apologetic to the friend.

This exactly.

She obviously did not think twice about refusing you.

Which is fine, but she could have said "I will certainly ask her."
The daughter quite rightly can refuse and has no obligation to you, but I think you are annoyed at the quick definitive response without so much as a
"sorry,".

As for her birthday coming around, just wait and see,
but stop this feeling of guilt you seem to have.
There are givers and takers in this world, stop your hubby from being a mug.

You reap what you sow.
Next time she asks for help from your dh do as @Fluffyholeysocksadvises and say he doesn’t do it for others any more, he only does it for you and your home.