AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

Horribly rude of her. She could have asked her daughter. I would have been upset too.

Great to get an insight into the mind of how these cheeky fuckers reason.

Yes, it's cheeky fuckery to expect to get your nails done on the back of someone else's work.

@FeelDeflated

If you acknowledge her birthday in any shape or form then you deserve to have the piss ripped out of you.

She is a taker, a grabber, who thinks nothing of you or your DH. If you acknowledge her birthday, you are agreeing with her that you are worth nothing.

Let her birthday, come, let it go. If she asks you about it, just tell her you are now only celebrating family birthdays.

I hope you ignore her and her birthday. Anything else, you may as well take the knee in front of her and, in her mind's eye, that is certainly the position she will see you in.

OP wanted to throw the daughter some paid work her way. How is that bad? It's a good thing. Sure, she could go to a salon, but most people would want to give the money to friends.

The message was very short and rude, and unapologetic. It is not on the OP to contact her. Not after everything the OP has done for her.

Wow. How is the OP the bad friend, when she wanted to give her daughter some business? Her 'friend' is the bad friend for never offering to pay her husband for putting himself out. This is really not a 'friendship' at all. It's one-sided and OP would be better off cutting this greedy user and chancer out of her life. Especially since 'friend' has not even bothered to text her in a month!

Her 'friend' hasn't contacted her in 4 weeks either!

Imagine being the daughter though if her mum did ask her to do her friend’s nails - who would you think is being cheeky? The OP, surely.

also - if the daughter has decided to stop doing nails, she’s absolutely allowed to! We don’t have to keep doing jobs we don’t like (and if her mum knows she doesn’t want to do it anymore, she doesn’t need to check if an exception can be made for her friend - she’s respected her daughters boundaries, and well done her). I’m sorry she’s been ignored for four weeks and might lose a 30 year friendship over it.

Not when OP is paying for it! Unlike her 'friend' and daughter who never paid a single penny for her and her DH's hours of work, labour and materials.

👏👏👏

Well you can fight over that bit all you like (and her friend sent the last message), but it’s not going to save the friendship - you can’t control someone else behaviour. If she does want to keep the friendship, her only path forwards is to send a message isn’t it? She COULD be stubborn about it, but it’ll only hurt them both.

The adult daughter who had her room refurbished by OP's DH and didn't offer a single penny to him. That's who is being cheeky!

Is there any chance there’s something else going on that you’re not aware of? Does she confide in you about everything . sounds unusual for such a long time friend

also, if you’ve been in her daughters life since she was born I’m sure you feel like more of an aunt to her than a friend

I think the only thing would be to just have it out with her, maybe don’t mention the favours your husband has done, but more I thought we were closer than this

The adult daughter may well not know any of this is going on, because her mum has (rightly) respected her decision she’s not doing nails anymore and doesn’t need to check if there are exceptions.

but as I say - it’s sort of irrelevant whose done what (because none of its very serious). The only decision the OP has to make is whether she values the 30 year friendship or not, and if she does the she should get in touch with her friend and wish her happy birthday.

Ive said decision fairly neutrally there…. I actually think ending a 30 year friendship because your friend’s daughter didn’t do your nails is completely unhinged!

(I don’t think the OP is unhinged - she wants to sort it out - it’s the weird posts encouraging her to think worse and worse things about her friend!)

Exactly! It’s incredible how they can justify themselves.

I would assume here that words have been had been mother and daughter.

Many years ago, when mine were little, i asked a neighbour's DD (teen) to babysit. I was used to sitters telling me how WONDERFUL my kids were - I paid well, and my kids were easy. Anyway met mum/neighbour a few days later who told he her DD would NEVER babysit again, I was a bit taken aback, and wondered why the mum wouldn't insist her DD earn some pretty handy pocket money, but I never asked her again, There were plenty of teenagers happy to babysit.

As an aside, a teen DD of (different) family friend announced she was never babysitting again after her first 'real' job in a supermarket (she had never babysat for us - we live distance apart). After a few shifts on minimum wage, where her 10min breaks were timed, there was no watching tv while being paid, and a fairly busy shift. She announced that she was still available for babysitting, and for her mother to spread the word.

Imagine this scenario - friends DD has done nails for a few friends and family. Some might be under the heading of learning her craft, but she's feeling underpaid and taken advantage of. Her DM appears to offer her service to another friend, or it comes up in some way. She smiles politely at the time but once she gets her mother alone, she makes it crystal clear that she will not be doing friends/neighbours/aunts/grannys nails. It is outrageous that she has been asked! She is sick and tired of people taking advantage of her and mum is the worst offender. Mum is chastened and put in a slightly embarassing position. Mum is happy to go on holidays and have a break from annoyed DD. Along comes your text. Her reply is brief because she is still reeling from the tongue lashing she got from DD and feels hopelessly torn in the middle.

Mine are teenagers now - I have to pick my battles,

Having said all that I would not ask my friend's DH to do DIY for me unpaid. My DH is poor at DIY but will spend hours figuring out IKEA diagrams, or pay someone else. Even the bed delivery people will assemble for a fee.

Old friends are dear to us - do not lose her over this. Give her the benefit of the doubt re the nails but regarding the DIY. I wouldn't offer. And if asked, I might say something like - If I ask DH to do you a favour, he is so good natured, he will not say no. So I hate asking him. Try to assemble/hang /drill yourself - that stuff comes with instructions. Text me if you can't figure it out.

I think that signals the end of the relationship. 4 weeks is an awfully long time when you normally contact each other several times a week. :(

There's nothing else going on, no. She's always been like this tbh, her way or the highway, but I'm usually easy going so I just go along with it for the sake of the friendship. And yes they call me aunty.

If/when we do communicate I intend to tell her how I feel about the fact she was so abrupt and dismissive when we've done so much to help her over the years, without question. I definitely will be having it out with her, if we get past this.

To be so rude to someone who has done you and your daughter all those unpaid favours is really beyond the pale. I believe she hasn't been in touch because she knows she's out of order and hopes you will just forget about it. As you say OP, if her daughter really didn't want to do nails anymore, even with pay, then this so-called friend could at least have been polite and apologetic about it. If it bothers you perhaps you should tell her how you feel.

Then the daughter would be doing her mum the favour.

This is spot on 💕

OP, your DH helping with DIY does not equate to his DD doing your nails. That's not a fair exchange. DD doesn't do nails anymore. There is nothing offensive here that I can see. I think you are seeing a slight only you can spot. I am rather glad your friend isn't pressuring DD to do your nails because DH put some shelves up. That wouldn't be nice, would it?

Friendship isn't transactional. True friends help each other out because they want to rather than to store up future favours. No act of kindness needs to be repaid or it ceases to be an act of kindness. I imagine your friend is completely unaware of your interpretation of this situation, which is perhaps for the best. Be slow to take offence, OP, and imagine the motives of those around you to be kind. Life's better if you do.

Wow, I’d end the friendship. I know posters are egging uou on as they love a bit of drama, but it’s utterly batshit. The message was perfectly fine. Sure it wasn’t wrapped in soppy words, but fuck me it’s nails.

Posters are egging her on, everyone knows what it’s like, for the drama. Then they will move to the next thread.

youre right, there is nothing offensive here, it was a request to do nails from her daughter, it was a simple no with an explanation. There is nothing offensive or requiring having it out as it wasn’t said nice enough as her husband did their shelves, which is the most batshit thing I’ve ever heard.

You will absolutely have to say this.

I get that her dd is a separate person to her and her husband, but I’m sure they could have asked her nicely. Or even your friend could have given up her own chance to have her nails done by her dd on the next occasion so that you could.