AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

[FeelDeflated]

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

Absolutely. The mum owed the op a polite no. It wasn’t a cheeky ask- unlike this woman the op was going to pay her.

She may simply have been sick of people asking her to "volunteer" her daughter to do their nails even though she's given that up, and may even have had a clash with her daughter over these things, and just really doesn't want to have to deal with it any more.

I'm very sorry for you. After her ignoring you for four weeks is be crippled with hurt from this.

How very rude to be so dismissive. And it was clearly intentional as she hasn’t been in touch since.

Do NOT acknowledge birthday and quietly move on. I am sorry OP. Clearly she is a CFer and you were her mark.

Her reply was rude. She could have said her DD doesn’t enjoy doing nails anymore or given any number of reasons in a kind, nice way. Does she take in other ways too? Are you always the one who drives, who takes round food or a bottle of wine, who picks up the tab at the bar more frequently?

so the poor bloke didn't even want to do the jobs! Why didn't he just say no? Are you or your friend hard to say no to?
Anyway i imagine that when you mentioned it before, the friend mentioned it to the daughter who said then she didn't want to do it. That's why it was shut down quickly.

Get over yourself and stop insulting people you don’t even know.

This is applicable to you too.

Op's dh is not providing any sexual services so there's no pimping involved.
Op called this lady her best friend, not her he's friend. It's because of Op her husband has helped her friend. Not sure why it's so hard to understand.

No need to provide anymore DIY service. For her birthday, you can send her a brief text of 3 words. Happy Birthday, CFName.

If she was that sick, she should understand how cheeky she was to ask Op's husband's free DIY. Or maybe she never gets sick of asking others to volunteer for her and her daughter.

It could easily have been shut down quickly in a friendly manner.

I would have also been deeply hurt by this OP and after 4 weeks I'd have been absolutely spitting feathers as well. I'd be considering a dumping message expressing shock and horror at her poor values and treatment of you as well x

I wouldn't send a birthday card or anything - you would be sending her the message that how she's treated you is okay and it really isn't!
There's no moral high ground to be had here - the right thing to do now is to reassess priorities. Stop asking your dh to do favours for your friends and let the man rest and enjoy his time off.

I think shecis out of order. Your friend should have said, "she doesn't do them anymore, only does herself and mine, but l will ask her" lt isn't nice when you have done so much for them, you ask for one thing, & you are dismissed . I too would be fed up with that response. Don't forget, it works both ways

I would feel exactly the same, I've been in exactly the same situation except it was my own daughter, there are a lot of very selfish, ungrateful people around though

YANBU.
I’d have replied with, “that’s fine, but in the interests of fairness, DH will only be doing our DIY in future!”
Pass-agg as hell, but I wouldn’t even care 😆

As hard as it'll be OP, text her & say "can't believe it's been 4 weeks, how was the holiday? What plans have you got for your birthday?"

Don't give her the pleasure of blaming you for behaving funny cos that is what she'll be telling people. She knows she's in the wrong but won't admit it, she's knows you're upset but isn't trying to salvage the issue.

Send her the text, send her a card, but you know where you stand now. I'd see her in a different light & would definitely pull back.

I know you're not ok at the minute and hurting but this will pass whatever the outcome.

YANBU
If I was your friend I’d have offered to pay for your nails as a treat, as I’d be a bit embarrassed to have accepted all the DIY and then be unable to return a favour when asked

A very good point/idea! I’d have done the same.
She’s a taker.

I’m still unsure whether to acknowledge her birthday.

I wouldn't she clearly doesn't want to contact you and it seems to me the friendship is over. I wonder if she was upset with you over something before she sent that message.

Regardless, her curt response and not even checking in with you over the 4 weeks/month shows she has no regard for you or the amount of work you and your DH have done for her and her daughter. You deserve better than her response. Much better than that. Let the friendship peter out, it's clear she saw you as free help and not a true friend. She has got what she wanted from you. And maybe you no longer serve a purpose hence her response. If she contacts you again asking your DH for help, just send a curt message that your DH only does work for yourselves now.

Don't bother contacting her again.

I think the issue with messages is tone is open to interpretation. People are interpreting it like you did as you’ve led the charge there. Me I think it’s just a factual statement, why on earth do you need it written with kindness, it’s just nails.

you also start off with the issue is she’s not doing your nails when you’ve both done so much, then when it’s pointed out the daughter is the one doing it, you move to it’s the tone of her message.

im sure you know full well that it would take seconds for her to say do you want to do deflated nails, no, ok will let her know. You’ve no idea if that occurred, in addition she may have had lots of requests and the daughter is pissed off and said no she’s doing no one’s nails apart from theirs, so she already knew. She was on holiday and fired out a quick message.

rhe friend now thinks you’re pissed off as the daughter won’t do your nails. And the daughter likely thinks if you’re willing to pay, go to a salon, so secretly you wanted a freebie, hoping she’d not accept the money. As ya know. You’ve done so much for them.

it is utterly bizzare that two grown women, can’t communicate properly and have a conversation and both see their arse over something so ridiculous. But here we have it.

i think it’s on you to reach out, the message was simply factual, you don’t need it wrapped in candy floss.its just no, and should be no big deal. Go to a salon if you’re willing to pay. There is no need for this silliness and going on about how much you’ve done for them and how the message should have been kind etc,

Do you actually want to lose a 30 year friendship over a thoughtlessly worded message and some nails? If not, then you’re going to have to just rise above it - send a happy birthday message and take it from there.

Do you think if your husband had been unable to help her one time, she’d have never spoken to you again? I think it’s unlikely.

I can see I might be in the minority as there’s lots of ‘she’s a taker!!’ Etc on here, but you can only control your own behaviour. I think you’re being a bit of a bad friend here actually - you’ve ignored her message for four weeks and she doesn’t know it’s because you don’t think there was enough time for her to ask her daughter; she just thinks her friend’s ditched her over some nails. I bet she is also extremely hurt (more reasonably, I think).

I agree with you, mumsnetters are notoriously sensitive and want to end any relationship over the most minor infraction and it’s playing out here as people escalate it.

the message is simply factual, it didn’t need wrapping up in love hearts and candy floss. It’s just no she doesn’t do nails any more, who cares, the op is willing to pay she should then say no worries will pop to the salon, say hi for me and hope the hol is great.

insread a month later she’s ignoring her, on mumsnet going on about how much they’ve done for her and ending a 30 year friendship as the message was apparently not kind enough when phrasing the no.

Her husband put up the DD´s shelving and other things...It would´ve been easy for her to be gracious. Some people aren´t wired that way, though.

She was on holiday it was likely just a quick message between mates, this expectation everything is wrapped up in soft words and delivered with a chorus of angels, is just ludicrous. All the op had to do was say no worries hope hol is good.