AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

Perhaps because of the grief you’d been through they were trying to encourage you to have a holiday with just your family.

It sounds like you have leaned on them quite heavily since losing your sister, and it sounds like they have been caring and supportive in the past when you needed them.

However holidays are expensive and precious for everyone. Maybe they needed a break to recharge away from the worries and demands of home.

I don't think it's right that they've booked with someone else and they certainly didn't need to be so dismissive, but I can understand why they may not have wanted to do the joint trip this year while you are still grieving. It's possible their blunt reaction to you & your son is defensive because they feel guilty.

I'm sorry you've been understandably hurt and for the loss of your sister

They went about it in a horrible way - and there is no excuse for shouting at your son or trying to blane you - but if they’ve been supporting you a lot recently (speaking every day to a friend since April sounds quite intense to me) maybe they didn’t want to spend their holiday doing the same?

Sounds like they just want a break from you.

They are still your friends don’t cut them out of your life. They probably thought it was nicer for you to go with just your mum and son after a bereavement.

they might also need a break for reasons you don’t know about as they havent told you as they have been supporting you.

I agree with this.

In the kindest possible way, maybe they wanted a holiday without you. Not that they don't love or value you...but that they just wanted a change, a break, a rest.

I'm not implying that you have done wrong...just that it sounds like you're all quite enmeshed. Maybe they needed some space.

It's hard to say this without sounding horrible, but they probably need a break from you. I know you've been through a terrible time and I've very sorry for your loss. But if you've been leaning on them every day while you've been grieving, they probably don't want this to continue while on holiday. Most people only have a limited opportunity for a break, and having to support you while on theirs wouldn't really be a relaxing trip for them.

I know this is hard to hear, but try to see it from another point of view.

They maybe need a little break to themselves with different people? It sounds like they’ve been really supportive friends up until now and some wires were crossed when you said you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday. It can be draining supporting friends through grief and as you say they’ve been there every day for you, many friends wouldn’t have the capacity to do that with work and family life.

It sounds like everyone’s upset, I’d give it a few weeks to have a think then try and discuss things calmly before making any rash decisions before thinking it through. As I said they’ve sound like they’ve been very supportive friends.

Yes and I suspect the husband messaging you daily when your sister died may not have been to his wife's liking.

@Lilyofthefells what has your birthday got to do with anything? Were they wanting to plan a big bash for you and you snubbed their ideas and generosity?

So this was what, revenge?

I hope you're ok Lily. Your hurt and distress over this is plain to read. I'm worried that this thread might be quite anxiety inducing.
You're grieving and your defences are down. Have a virtual hug. x

This is clearly upsetting you and playing on your mind, but I think you don't have to make any hard and fast decisions about ending the friendship right now.

I would just take a step back. Focus on your son and your family and make some plans with them.

In time you may find more explanation crops up for their behaviour. Don't expect your son to be a go between in this,its not fair on him.

If they wanted a break from you, they should have owned it and said so, how are you supposed to give them that break if you don't know its required.

Let things cool down and if its still bothering your or you haven't heard from them, write to them say how hurtful and disappointing and unexpected this behaviour was and if they have a problem or something to say can they just say it so you are not left wondering. Their reply should help you decide.

It sounds like you would really benefit from getting some help from a grief counsellor or similar as you've been through such a hard time and need extra support. I hope you are able to move forward from the shock of this, it is probably magnified by your grief, which is why I say, give it time before doing anything hasty.

OP I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am going through something very similar. Long-time best friends, godparents to our DC, etc. Now seemingly moved on to another family, lying to us to avoid being with us and instead going on holiday and other things with the other family. I dont know what if anything we’ve done wrong. But it hurts like hell. And the worst part is the effect on my DC, they miss our friends and their DC so much, but I can’t really explain what’s going on to them. I just have to accept that they dont want to spend time with us anymore, which is hard enough for me as an adult to deal with, but how can my DC 😪

This all sounds way too intense? maybe they feel too overwhelmend by the way you come across, if the OP is the way you come across in real life it may scare people off

A single person socialising with a couple can be awkward as I have found to my cost. Most couples prefer to socialise with other couples because its convenient. Rather than having a third wheel with them all the time. Perhaps try arranging separate holidays with your mother and/or son if you don't want to travel alone.

"If they wanted a break from you, they should have owned it and said so, how are you supposed to give them that break if you don't know its required."

Hard agree...in principle. But how do you say something like that without hurting or offending, particularly to someone who is already low?

This is what people do, they take the path of least resistance, avoid confrontation, lie, then become defensive when they are confronted.
I think that's what's happened here.

This is conjecture on my part of course. Could be barking up the wrong tree.

I think it’s a lot to go on holiday with them on top of all the support they’ve already given, and much more fitting to go with your mother and son. It’s also too much to have your son getting involved by asking them too. I get that you’re all close, unofficial aunt/uncle etc, but even with real aunts and uncles I wouldn’t get my son involved to that extent. Just because you’ve been away together in the past doesn’t commit them to anything ongoing and they’re allowed to have a break with someone else, especially as they’ve spent a lot of time with you already and you all may need a break from that. I think it would’ve been hard for them to be honest with you and they shouldn’t be in trouble for booking themselves a holiday without you.

I think maybe it’s the grief making you so upset and expecting too much of them. It’s normal to go with your mum and son and shouldn’t be seen as some snub to do that. Don’t do anything rash off the back of this. Take some time and get support from other people, grief counselling can be really helpful.

You are expecting too much of them. They are allowed to have other friends. Possibly they felt that they didn't want to spend their holiday with someone who is still very much caught up in grief. Don't let this be the end of such a long friendship.

I think your family's emotional reliance on their family seems quite overwhelming.

Did your 16 year old son really want to show them these "brochures" entirely of his own volition?

Travel brochures were barely a thing when I was a young adult. We'd mostly moved onto the Internet.

Honestly? I think maybe you've been a bit much for them and they didn't want to spend a week with you with no reprieve. I'm sorry that's harsh but grief makes people weird (saying that as someone who recently lost my mum and is only just coming out the other side of it) when it's raw and fresh. Holidays are expensive both in terms of money and time, and it sounds like this year they didn't want to spend theirs on a week with you. Try not to take it personally, and don't make any hasty decisions about the friendship.

Best friends don't do that, @Lilyofthefells

People saying this is okay lack manners and respect themselves. It's not how you treat others.

They wanted to do somethng with someone else and gave you an excuse. Maybe they should have been honest but they were probably trying to not upset you.

You are perhaps relying on them too much and they need a break.

It’s not their responsibility to go on holiday with you rather than someone else just because you mentioned it in April.

Sorry for your loss. Are there are family members or friends who can go with you / support you?

My thoughts too!

OP, who on earth knows why people do the things that they do. After each of my parents died, ten years apart, quite a few people behaved very oddly. You'll probably never know why they didn't want to do that particular holiday with you.

The question is, do they still want to be friends, but they just didn't want to do that holiday? There's a difference. And it seems, from what you've said, that they do still want to be friends.

I've been there. I've had multiple friendships strained by long caregiving that ended in death. Some of them I wish I had held on to now, years later.

My best guess is that if the husband also lost a sibling, as you appear to say, he might have found holidaying with you in the year after your loss to be too much of a reminder of his own loss. Or they might have wanted to let their hair down, dance and get tipsy, and just generally have big laugh, and felt that they wouldn't be able to do that with someone who is bereaved. But it's just a guess.

So if this holiday is the only issue, then I think you should try to get past it. They handled it badly though. They should have communicated, but people just don't.