AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

Oh OP, that sounds so hurtful, especially for your son.
What were they thinking!

I would definitely take space, a lot of it, and see how you feel.

They may have wanted a holiday without your understandable grief being a feature.
Brutal, but possibly the truth.

They have really handled it appallingly.
Go on your holiday and try not to allow this to spoil things.
After your loss, these things are actually so unimportant, even though they feel huge.

Grief can make us very sensitive generally because of how raw we feel.
Mind yourself OP.

I wondered this too, but none of us can really know for sure OP.

This is really unpleasant for you. Sorry for this and sorry for your loss.

Have a lovely holiday and don't feel you need to rush feelings around the friendship.

All the people saying you've been lied to need to look at a different scenario that they may have come into some money not long after saying no ie work bonus or being taken on a paid for by family or friends holiday. Because both of those situations I've been in no lies spoken. However I don't necessarily think it's fully appropriate for you to be texting the husband daily despite having the grief situation in common your kind of putting him in an awkward position after so long which isn't right. They are still your friends why not take sometime go on a nice trip with your son and make some new memories. If I can do it alone you can aswell and my kids still talk about the great times we've had and it will do you both good

It sounds like you all rely on them heavily and that’s a bit much for a holiday. They just want to relax. Stop putting your son in the middle of things. They should have been more upfront with you, but that’s a difficult conversation.

The friends said ‘I "need to get past it" and "move on" to someone confronting them about their holiday plans.

I don’t think that’s lashing out.

But have you ever put a stunt like those friends did?

Ive been in that situation. And it’s not hard.
You space the texts a bit, wait until you feel like answering rather than out of guilt. You dint let resentment build up.
I have very good friends, people I’ve known 30 years. In a situation like this, we talk to each other. Say ‘oh I really don’t want to talk about xyz. I’m finding it hard at the moment’. No one gets upset because we respect each other’s limits.

Compassion fatigue is not a reason for treating people like crap.

(and yes I’ve been on the receiving end of ‘shall we talk about something else?’ too)

I’m really sorry OP, that must really hurt 💐.

I’ve said YABU though just because I would at this point cut them out, but not permanently ie withdraw, but don’t burn bridges. See how you feel in a few months time.

You put alot of pressure on your friends that if they didn't go with you, you wouldn't have a holiday at all. Even with your family. I don't tjink that's fair of you but equally don't think they shouldn't have lied to you and just said they had booked else where with other friends and maybe next year you can all book again.

I cannot imagine the pain of losing a sister OP, I am very sorry.

I agree with pp's though, in that they probably need a break from the emotional support they have been providing. I imagine they are going with other friends who will be much lighter company. There is a cruelty in it in theory, but compassion fatigue is a very real thing. Their only crime is the way they have gone about it.

.

Giving a polite excuse for why they don’t want to go on holiday with OP? How is that appalling?

That’s also dismissing tge OP’s pain. That’s refusing to acknowledge the reason of that hurt - their behaviour - And it’s asking her to brush everything under the carpet so they don’t feel bad about their actions, making HER the person at fault for not moving on.

It might not be ‘lashing out’ but it certainly isn’t nice behaviour. It’s still very hurtful.

@SummerDivewhich is why my first post was “I’d like to hear this from their perspective” I don’t think we’ve got the full story here…

It’s not deceit. They were being polite.

This. It is obviously hurtful to find out the way you did but it does sound like you were relying on them too much. You say the the husband had been through something similar so maybe he wanted a break from his own grief and not be constantly reminded. Tge fact you were so overwhelmed by booking a holiday yourself suggests that you do need a lot of looking after and maybe they just want a carefree holiday to recharge themselves.

I’ve just been on holiday with adults who needed ‘looking after’ and it’s exhausting. It was no holiday for me and I came back wanting a holiday myself with people who weren’t reliant on me for their enjoyment and organising everything.

I was thinking that too. What OP says about being overwhelmed trying to book the holiday and needing help (agree the brochure thing is odd esp for somewhere you've been before, most holidays can be booked easily online) says something about the amount of support she'd need on the trip which wouldn't make it much a holiday and then create guilt for people wanting a break from it, leading to more tension/conflict/lashing out, so I think their instincts were right and it was best avoided, but they handled it poorly with the lie, possibly when put on the spot and then pushed. I think the birthday thing was just their way of saying they didn't think you were up for a fun holiday, which seems right, but with all the upset it's blown into something bigger. Hopefully both groups will have a much-needed break and the fall-out will fade. 30 years a long friendship and it should be able to weather most things.

So sorry that you are upset op, but please don't let this ruin your friendship.

They've been so supportive of you and are long term friends. They just didn't want to go on this holiday with you and that's ok. Your ds getting involved was unnecessary but obviously they shouldn't have been unkind to him. They were probably exasperated and frustrated.

Just go with your family.

Booking the exact same holiday they were planning to do with the Op, lying about it then being horrible to the Op and her son is more than “compassion fatigue”, it’s downright nasty!

What’s appauling is to them book the exact same holiday with someone else showing their excuses were just that, an easy way out. To not say a word about it.
And then to make out it’s normal behaviour and it’s the OP that has a problem because she usnt moving on.

If you need an excuse to not do something with a very good friend because somehow you can’t have a ‘hard’ conversation with them, at least find a reason good enough that will stand the test of time!

But what were their actions? By going on holiday without her? They’re allowed!

Also note that OP hasn’t told us what she said to them that made them tell her she ‘needs to get past it.’

It’s a holiday to Lanzarote, not a bespoke tailor made expedition!

You make it sound like OP and her friends had planned a day by day itinerary to the Peruvian mountains!

Supporting someone through grief is very hard and sometimes restarts your own grieving process. If I were a betting woman I would bet thats what's happening.
@Lilyofthefells I hope you've sought some professional grief counselling because it sounds like its overwhelming you.

Yes I think this too

I think this hits the nail on the head to be fair.

And I also think the birthday comment is quite telling, they tested the water with that, but OP is (understandably) not in a head space to enjoy anything nice for herself, be it a birthday celebration, or a holiday, and is completely reliant on everyone around her to fully support her at the moment, especially these friends who she is in constant contact with.. as much as I love my friends, I would not be wasting thousands of pounds on a holiday, and precious time off with my family just to support someone else, as well as organise everything for them because OP is not capable right now.

The thing I think they have done wrong is book Lanzarote with someone else, after turning OP down, of course that was going to sting, they could have easily waited until OP was on her feet or gone somewhere else with their other friends in the meantime, which is obviously why they kept it secret.

But ultimately they are supporting her, they just don't want to go on holiday with her right now, and they don't want to rub her nose in it, to me it shows how deep OP is in her grief that she can't see any of this from their side at all.

This