AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

If that was the case, they would have said that no?

As an ‘excuse’ fir their poor behaviour that’s very far reached

Whilst you think of them as best friends they have others who they think of as best friends.

I think you put the idea in their heads of going to Lanzarote
They have been out with another couple and over drinks the subject of holidays came up and they have all thought what a great idea and booked the holiday with these people.

They feel guilty for what they have done and realise it is a shitty thing to do which is why they have come up with BS excuses and have been lashing out at you and your DS and telling you to get passed it.

I probably think that the reason for not wanting to go on holiday with you is because you don’t mention a husband or partner

Whilst you have gone away before, probably when dc were younger and less independent which meant there was always a distraction and not just the 3 of you.
Now dc are older and less likely to remain around after dinner has been eaten or for sections of the day I can see the husband or wife feeling a little out of joint not having another husband/partner around to talk to. IYSWIM

If they had just thought for a minute and asked if you had got other couple friends who might like to go with their similar aged dc and made it a much bigger party and said they were able to go as the more people = cheaper Airbnb and the ability to cook food a few nights rather than going out and spending money in a restaurant then I think it could have been turned round that they could suddenly afford the holiday now and it would have had a different ending

They have gone about letting you down in a despicable way, Lying and then getting angry at you and your DS because of there own despicable behaviour is never acceptable.

Either you move passed it or you don’t. But I don’t think your DS will get over what they did and how they treated his mother and I doubt he will be comfortable seeing his mum going out with these people like nothing happened

I know I couldn’t get passed this. Once someone has openly lied to you how can you believe anything they say again

Entirely shit behaviour to lie to the OP in this way. Which is why they're fighting back as they do.

Tbf op if these people are indeed so fragile and drained they need an actual holiday from reciprocal messaging and calls from a good friend, then youre better off without them.

Maybe they are despicable — or maybe just conflict avoidant, especially given your grief and the relationship they have with your son. It’s a very different vibe the holiday they have planned with another couple, holiday time is incredibly precious, and maybe they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Even then I do wonder if you are reading the room ok — you leaned on them a lot, and they didn’t want to do the group holiday, now you found out and have pressed them about it such that you have been asked to drop the subject.
I wonder if the friendship might be over anyway regardless of what you decide as this last point sounds like relations could be awkward now. I’d let the dust settle and perhaps see if you could rekindle if that’s what you want to do. I think your expectations of them have been a bit high and possibly it’s an uneven relationship between you. Give them some space and hopefully you can keep the friendship for your son’s sake as much as anything.

I agree with this. Also, I couldn't help noticing that OP's mum had to step in to help OP. Presumably she also lost her daughter, so the fact that OP is coping worse than the person who lost her actual child makes it clear that OP needs a lot of support. That does get draining after a while.

Meant very kindly OP but other people’s grief can be exhausting and it sounds as if they have been there for you quite a bit. Have a lovely holiday with your family, wish them a happy holiday and reconnect later.

@Lilyofthefells i think there are tension here you don’t know about.
i suspect your female friend is getting annoyed at the amount of attention youre getting from her dh.
I also suspect your female friend is getting 'compassion fatigue' (not keen in that word) - she hasnt experienced loosing an sibling and cant quite get how devastating it is.
So basically this year, she doesn’t want to spend a holiday with you.

It would explain all the comments about 'getting past it' or ‘moving on’. And they both know it’s a shitty thing to do hence the ‘crossed wired’

I am not surprised your hurt tbh. Still going away despite having said No to you (and your son) wasn’t great in the first place but to the exact same place?!?
That was a crap move and couldn’t have more of a ‘fuck you’ signal tbh.
But they get to say that they can’t understand your reaction. They just booked a holiday and you seemed to have a problem with that rather than actually having a conversation with you - probably saying that the daily texts were too much p.

Theyre not good friends @Lilyofthefells
In time of need, when you needed support, they’ve shown you their true colours. Well I suspect your female friend has shown you her true colours (it would have been extremely easy to just not answer or take a long time your texts if it had been your male friend).
Whether you just cut them off or distance yourself is really up to you. But I’m struggling to see how the friendship can ever go back to normal.

I’d like to hear this story from
their perspective honestly….

You can't really expect to keep going on holiday with a couple when you're a single person. Sometimes this can work but it's not working for them. The husband messaging you every day does sound very intense. You cant expect that level of support to keep up from somebody else's husband. It's entirely up to you whether you end the friendship.

I call : compassion fatigue

which does NOT mean that people don’t care, it means that sustained compassion poured into someone will burn the care giver out at some point -

sounds like they have been hugely supportive to you,

but now need to have a holiday that does not include supporting you, and they feel BAD about that - so have fudged it up and made it all into something bigger …

I suspect that they are good people that have got themselves twisted up in trying to do the right thing for themselves and it’s all got more complicated

Just to add these moving on comments were unkind and insensitive.

I think this was a bad move, seems a bit emotional blackmailish.

Then you TALK to your friend!!

Since when is it ok to 1- find excuses and then 2- book the exact same holiday with someone else?
Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

All because what? They got compassion fatigue? Can’t face having a conversation with a friend of 30 years?
Are people really this feeble….

I am sorry for your loss,i can understand why you feel hurt compounded by seeing this through the filter of grief.
I wonder if your friends are feeling compassion fatigue and wanted a holiday free from supporting a grieving friend?
Im saying this as i experienced something similar to you, my husband aged 48 yrs died and i had an almost identical holiday scenario to you ,including the anger response from the friends when it was discussed. I think the anger is a defence mechanism because its hard to say .....we want a holiday without supporting a grieving person. We want a break essentially.Friendships often change after loss .
Other than this incident are they good friends?
Do you want to maintain the friendship despite feeling hurt about this.

You said youve particularly leaned on the husband, is there any chance thats been misinterpreted as you being interested in him?

They were underhand, but when it comes to a holiday, maybe they just wanted some levity/and actually break?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, but most people don't want to have to support others during a holiday/annual leave.
The friendship doesn't have to be 'over'. Just give them a wide berth 'til you feel stronger.
And, enjoy your holiday with your son and Mum.

I have to say I’m quite amazed at the number of people who think compassion fatigue is a reason good enough to treat people like shit and hurt both the OP and her ds.

They shouldn’t have lied about passports and they didn’t need to go to the same location with someone else. That’s where they’ve not behaved honestly or kindly. It’s fine for them to go away without you but they should have been more upfront about wanting to go away with different friends.

I wouldn’t cut them off but I would have a think about how much I’d been relying on them, daily messages are a lot, and I’d seek support elsewhere.

No …..
think a little harder …

compassion fatigue can be a reason than people start to find ways to disengage in order to cope ….

people who are so compassionate and caring that they go on to experience compassion fatigue are generally very considerate people who end up burning themselves out

If thats the case, they are actually just so caring and compassionate theyve burnt themselves out, its pretty crazy how easily they could turn that off.

I think your grief has made you unable to appreciate their perspective on this. I wouldn’t end the friendship if I were you, but perhaps focus on other friendships in your life for a while.

They can go on holiday with whoever they want and the fact is, they didn't want to go with you. It's sad for you and it's normal to feel hurt but I don't think they did anything wrong. I wouldn't cut them out completely, but just maybe take a step back and try to rely on them less. Let them initiate meeting up in future. If they don't, then I'd leave them to it.

They wouldn’t have -
it’s a process -

it’s not OP’s fault
its their responsibility to manage their ability to compassionately care for another -

but guilt and goodwill can get into the way and then people end up in the mess described here

I experienced compassion fatigue from my manic bipolar friend it’s utterly draining and makes you dread contact. I’m not a bad person and neither is she.