AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

Sorry it sounds very emeshed and that to misquote Diana
”there are 3 people in this relationship”. Do you do a lot as 3, or you and them and your son?

Sorry for your troubles op, it truly sounds awful for you. So traumatic x

I would echo that while it’s been a comfort to you to have such supportive friends especially one who has been where you are regarding the loss of your sister. I do believe that it may be too much for his grieving to be away with someone so close to such a recent death.
I think that he is also grieving and always will just like you but will need some relief from it.

Thats all op. Nothing more sinister or purposefully avoidant or hurtful, they just need a break from your grief to try to deal with their own, it’s a very heavy load, even years after the death.
It never goes away.
Your family are your people right now.
I hope that we have given you a view of your friends through another lense op.
Huge hugs to you xxx

So sorry to hear about your loss.
I agree with some of the posts on here - that it’s probably been a bit intense for your friends and they need a break. Messaging daily is quite a lot.
I think counselling will definitely be beneficial for you.

I have no idea why they didn’t want to holiday with you, but they’re allowed to say no to a holiday without justifying why to you. They’re also allowed to book a holiday with another family.

I don’t know how or why they’ve “lashed out” at your son as you haven’t given much detail about it. Depending on what actually happened that might be a legitimate reason to be upset. Their decision to decline your offer of a joint holiday might feel disappointing to you but is not a reason to be upset with them or to end the friendship.

I'm sure that this couple have their own perspective on this situation. It may even be very understandable if they feel burnt out from giving you a lot of support or could have pressing reasons for wanting to holiday with someone else.

However it's the lying and how they've handled it after being rumbled and the lashing out that I'd struggle more with.

Something like this might have happened?
you all talked about a trip to Lanzarote(they then really fancied it)- later you had a conversation where you said you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday-they assumed this also included holidays-so they booked with somebody else-you then got back to them about the holiday but, embarrassed and awkward about booking it with somebody else they lied-when they were caught out they became defensive and lashed out instead of apologising.

is this possible at all op?

they haven’t behaved well shouting at your son and lying to you but I wonder what their side to this is?

when we’re in pain it can make us behave very differently and that’s really, really hard for others around us to support day in day out.

i would certainly be backing off, giving them some space and allowing the dust to settle but maybe don’t make any permanent decisions about the friendship just yet. It sounds as if they have been genuinely good friends up to this point.

She didn't say they shouted at her son. Lashed out can mean anything really.

Perhaps they didn't think a casually mentioned trip to Lanzarote was the be all and end all of life's ambitions or that it would at all bother you if they went with someone else.

You say that you’ve leaned on the husband a lot, could the wife be getting a bit annoyed/tired of this? If they think you will be grieving on holiday it might be as simple as the fact that they think you might be a bit of a downer and they don’t want that on their only holiday.

They probably needed a trauma-free break. Of course friends support each other, but 24h support for several days on holiday is an entirely different ask!

The timeline is a little unclear on this- i.e. did they book the alternative trip before or after they'd declined to go with you? In any event, I would not throw away a 30 year friendship over this - it seems that they have given you a lot of support since your sister died but people do have limits and I can understand why they wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to go to Lanzarote and provide that support 24/7, especially when the DH has experienced similar and might not want to be constantly reminded of it. if you're still grieving to the extent that you're struggling to do the admin to book a holiday, that suggests that the holiday may not be that fun for them/ they'd be providing a LOT of emotional support. Wanting to avoid that scenario doesnt make them bad people- they also have their DC to consider and what would be fun for them. They could have maybe handled it better but you'd probably have been equally hurt if they'd come clean on their reasons.

Maybe you’ve been leaning on them too much and they were worried the holiday would be depressing with you. I realise that’s harsh but you’re obviously grieving and they may have been concerned the trip would become about you.

@Lilyofthefells They wanted a fun and relaxing holiday and since you are grieving they didn't think having you with them would be neither fun or relaxing. I understand them- when you support someone you need a break from that. They could have said they wanted just a holiday the two of them but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Well, it didn't work out. Don't judge them too severely.

I think they are overwhelmed and just need a break from you. A holiday is supposed to be relaxing and fun. Perhaps you can go away with your son and mother? I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I don't agree with people saying maybe they just want a break from you. Firstly good friends don't 'want a break from you' and if they do they are honest. These people, even ig generally good friends, have lied to you. I would as others have said take a step back but make no permanent decisions. Maybe you in time will still want to be friends as it is fun to see them socially on occasion but without the closeness and trust from before. Maybe you won't want to see them any more. Maybe they will apologise, who knows. I would either just drop communication for now and come back to it in time, or message and say you are very hurt by them lying to you and suggesting it is your fault when they could and should be owning the fact they decided to go with someone else, which they are perfectly entitled to do but the lies are hurtful. So you'd like some space to reflect for now.

Probably just going silent is better and more dignified but see what you think works best for you.

I’d be pissed off with the lying about passports etc more than anything else.

Leave it for a bit now and see if they initiate contact.

I have a lot of friends and there are a couple I wouldn’t go away although there’s no problem seeing them here, maybe they felt things were a bit intense at the moment?

Could the wife be upset that your constantly messaging her husband and thinking your overstepping her boundaries? Of course friends support each other but she might be really uncomfortable with this.

I wouldn't cut them off just yet.

They should not have lied to you but perhaps they couldn't find a way to say "actually, we are planning to do something else". They very possibly do need a break.

YANBU to be hurt, but there may be another side to this. You may have been leaning on them more than they can handle. Give them a bit of space and perhaps you can talk it over in time.

@Ocelotfeet27 i don’t think the op would have taken kindly to “we understand why, but you are currently hard work we desperately need a break from you”. Agree lying wasn’t the best option, but they really weren’t many options. It sounds as if has been months of high frequency support already

Theyve acted appallingly op. Whatever their reasons. Yanbu id be incredibly hurt by their nastiness.

I would assume they thought you just weren't up for doing much this year and booked the trip with someone else and basically got themselves into a bit of a pickle when you still wanted to go and didn't want to come outright and say they'd booked with someone else. They didn't handle it particularly well but I don't think the intent was to hurt you
What did they say to your son?

Appallingly? By not wanting to go on holiday with OP?

Regardless of all the background and history, if you had all been discussing a specific holiday and they said they couldn’t do it, and they then went ahead and booked it anyway, they should have been upfront with you. It feels cowardly and sneaky to me. They could have made up a sensitive reason or just been more open with you. Finding out this way must have been very hurtful.

It sounds like you need and value their friendship so don’t burn your bridges. Hopefully time will heal. Book yourself a lovely holiday. And I’m so sorry that you lost your sister. X

It can be possible for multiple things to be true at the same time; They can be happy to support you and want to be there for you, but also not want to go away in holiday with you this time.

I agree that they’ve been clumsy in the way they’ve approached this, before and since the holiday was booked, but people don’t always act at their finest when they don’t know how to tackle a difficult conversation. Generally though, it sounds like they’ve been really supportive friends to you, so try not to lose sight of that.

This was why I questioned the timing upthread- possibly they booked it before the OP brought it up, assuming that, depending on what she said about not wanting to celebrate her b'day, she wouldnt be up for a group holiday. Then when she mentioned it again they panicked, made up a story about passports and got caught in the lie. Their error was coming clean to the DS. Not sure why they thought that was a good idea.