AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

There are some people/ families I gel with on holiday, some I don’t. I still like those people, I just don’t want to go on holiday with them.

Bottom line is they didn’t want to come on holiday with you. And I think that’s their choice. It could be for a variety of reasons, possibly one of these is that they didn’t want to spend it with someone in the grief cycle and needed a break, It sounds harsh but maybe they needed a break from this.

I also think it’s a bit odd that you got your son involved in going back to them- I think that could have come across to them as a bit manipulative. Especially when they’d said no already.

That said I don’t think they’ve handled it well at all. But they are right in that you have to try to put it behind you and not take it personally if you want the friendship to continue. Personally I think I would just distance myself from them for a few months and see how I feel when it all settles down.

Step back and protect yourself for now, but I don't think you need to make any permanent decisions

I agree with this. They didn’t go about it in the right way by you all sound so emeshed, maybe they just wanted some time to relax and not support you daily. That probably sounds horrible but they deserve a break.

They lied. That's sort of what deceit means. They were significant lies too.

Wow, all I can say is your bar for your own friendships must be low if you really think this is an OK way for friends to treat each other.

It isn't 'polite' to make an excuse to a friend that later gets found out, causing far more hurt than just being honest in the first place would have. The word I'd use is cowardly, tbh. Presumably you wouldn't do this to a friend yourself?

I think that there was some lack of understanding, confusion, and crossed wires.

I'm confused about the birthday mention and think that could well have added to the confusion for them.

Agree with the many people who've said that it sounds like they've been very supportive since your recent bereavement and when holidays cost so much these days they may well have prioritised a holiday where they know they can completely relax, switch off and have fun without having to also be responsible for someone else's mental wellbeing. That sounds really harsh and I'm just guessing and yes they should have told you but if that's the reason they'll have found it really hard to explain.

I don't know what they were expecting to happen as you were bound to find out about the other holiday at some point anyway.

Could the other holiday already have been in the planning? So yes money is too tight for the holiday with you guys but they'd already committed to this holiday with another couple?

Have you read the Let Them Theory? I'd apply that principle here to stop things escalating and getting even worse. Let them go on holiday, let them have a lovely fun time with their other friends. But also let you book a holiday with your son and mum, let you three have a lovely fun time with each other.

I know you're hurt but I think sending your 16 year old to them with the brochures was a lot. I also picked up on something some other people have mentioned to, the daily texts with the man friend, which may well be totally fine with his wife but also maybe has become a thing in their relationship, we just don't know.

In short: give things some time and space, don't badmouth them to your son, book a trip with him to somewhere different and do your own thing.

I learnt the hard way that it’s a bad idea to offload grief/problems to other people. I now just tell everyone I’m fine and leave it at that. We are told it’s good to talk about our problems with other people but it seems like it’s not, I lost a friend due to it. I have made some lovely new friends but open up to no one except my family.

I wouldn’t end a 30 year best friendship over this. It sounds like crossed wires to me and like they were possibly trying to be sensitive to your needs right now but got it wrong. Also who are they going with - another friend or a family member? That makes a difference.

It also could be, and I’m saying this gently and not blaming you, that if they’ve been supporting you through grief they may actually need a break from everything - including giving you that support. That’s OK and doesn’t mean they don’t love you they may just have some fatigue from it. They may be lashing out because they feel they can’t say they also need a break from you for that week so feel backed into a corner.

If they’ve been nothing but good supportive friends for three decades I wouldn’t lose them over some hurt feelings over a trip to Spain.

Totally understand that they might have (kindly) needed a break from op after an emotionally intense time but the way they are reacting to being found out is anything but kind. A gentle explanation rather than 'move on fgs' and snapping at the poor lad surely shouldn't be beyond well educated and emotionally intelligent people. Is there more to this or are they just bad at processing embarrassment/guilt?

I would definitely step back from the friendship.

so many people saying this is completely fine, it’s really not. It’s a total slap in the face to lie and then book the same holiday, regardless of the circumstances.

I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt as much if they’d booked a different holiday. But to outright say a trip is not possible, then book it, is really unpleasant. It doesn’t matter if it’s Lanzarote or a once in a lifetime trip, it’s the principal!

I’m sorry that you are struggling OP, YANBU

Maybe jealously on the other woman’s part or maybe they felt like they couldn’t properly relax and enjoy themselves around you if you are clearly still struggling a lot( which is understandable)

However what they have done is extremely insensitive and unkind. This is how best friends treat each other.
I would find it very difficult to maintain a friendship with this couple.

Book a holiday for just you and your family ( not lanzarote though) and try to forget about it for now.

I would probably not cut them off but stop initiating all contact. See what happens if you never take the lead.

If they step into the breach, stay in contact and arrange to meet up, fair enough. You're not obliged to take up invitations if you don't want to, but you could say something along the lines of 'I've got a lot on right now, but let's meet up in a month/couple of months'. If they leave you hanging and stop contacting you, you've got your answer.

I think they've behaved badly. I don't necessarily think their having the holiday away from you is where they went wrong. I think lying and then being unkind to your son was bad. At the very minimum an apology to him is needed.

Regardless of what happens with the relationship though, I think you have to step back from them. They are clearly not your support system. Stop depending on them.

This does sound very hurtful, but I agree with others that they probably want a relaxing holiday without being a support for your grief. Their dismissive unpleasant behaviour though is something else. It sounds like you have reached the limits of the friendship and they don’t want to provide the same level of emotional support anymore. Honestly, in their position I think I might feel the same but would have gone about it in a gentler manner.

This.

They're not obliged to go on holiday with you. I have friends I love dearly - friends I've known for 35 years since we were at school together and would absolutely be there for in a crisis - but still wouldn't want to go on holiday with.

You sound very reliant on these particular friends for emotional support and you seem to be making them responsible for your happiness. That's on you, not them.

The business about your teenage son trying to persuade them to come on holiday with you is... actually quite weird.

It all sounds a bit intense and it's not unreasonable of them to want a break with someone else. They haven't apologised because they have nothing to apologise for. They are absolutely right that you need to move on; you're being quite OTT.

With all due respect they need a break from your grief and want to enjoy a precious holiday without the ghost of your sister joining them. You say the Husband has been particularly supportive, maybe his wife is fed up with the amount of time he is giving you. Maybe she would like a bit of support from him. I feel you have maybe over stepped the mark here.
Losing a sister is hard ( i know as i have lost two ) but it is your grief not theirs and months of carrying it everyday is too much for them.
They should not have been rude to your son but at the same time your son shouldn't have called them. You had your answer, leave it at that.
If you really are at the point of not even being able to book a holiday through grief then i think the best thing you can do is call Cruse bereavement 0808 808 1677💐

I think they have handled it badly, but they may have found it hard to say to you that they needed a break from you, especially as you put on quite a bit of pressure on them about the holiday. I understand why you are hurt, but I wouldn't write off the friendship about this. But maybe it is time to give them some more space and not rely on them so much? Maybe a counsellor would be better for you?

If there were no wires crossed then I’d be hurt too. I don’t think your relationship sounds intense. It sounds like a typical long term friendship (prior to this). They should’ve been open about the reasons why they wanted to go away with other people/ not you.

That’s not fair - it sounds like the husband is also grieving, and still providing support to OP. Grieving people are selfish - I have been one, and still am - they are just (understandably) thinking of how they feel.

OP’s friends aren’t support characters, they are allowed to spend time with others, not spending their precious holiday time supporting OP.

My thought too. Brochures? Where would you even get them? Very odd.

No, i dont think that would be appalling.

I think the way they have acted is.

Definitely information missing in this post... you say they lashed out at your son verbally. Just randomly you mean? Did they call him up and shout at him? Come round, ring the doorbell and shout over the threshold? Can you describe what happened in the conversation that led them to verbally lash out at your son? What was said and by whom?

If you want to "end" then friendship then fine, but no need to any formality. It all sounds so dramatic. Perhaps everything got a bit too intense and over bearing.

I've had instances where people weren't who I thought they were, or the relationship wasn't what I thought it was. Nothing more is needed other than

"Oh, that's weird. I guess they don't feel the same as I do... I'll just back off"

No dramatic ending of a friendship, or final closing text messages etc etc. Something wasn't what you thought it was, or isn't what you wanted so just...... adjust your own behaviour.

I know you're hurt but I think sending your 16 year old to them with the brochures was a lot.

She didn't.

My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them

So we agree that when they said they said couldn’t go on holiday with OP, she should have left it there.

If you have been messaging her husband about your grief every day it is just too much.
They would likely need a holiday without your family.

It doesn’t mean you are not friends, but then you need to listen to the signals they are giving you and your son.

A holiday usually means a fun break away from every day life, and that is what they are doing and what they need OP. If they were lashing out it was probably because they were annoyed you don’t get it and are sending your 16-year old to ask them again.

To keep the friendship it is you who needs to listen this time.

Sorry for your loss.

They shouldn't have lied about the why.