AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

Perhaps they are feeling uncomfortable with your grief and felt it would spoil the holiday for them. Instead of being upfront they thought it kinder not to say this and thought you'd never find out about their trip

I think it's a shock for OP not just how they've handled the holiday but they've shown her that they don't see her and her DS the way she thought they did. That as well as the holiday is a lot to digest, particularly when grieving.

I remember feeling a bit embarrassed when I realised that our close family friends weren't particularly bothered about us. Kind of mortified thinking back through all the years and wondering did they just tolerate me or actively dislike me but felt sorry for me of something... Once I stopped contacting them and suggesting meet ups and inviting them over etc, they just never contacted me. So after years of seeing them regularly, it just stopped overnight. Really confusing and upsetting for my DC and they live very close too so we see them a lot.

I try not to have any expectations at all now and am very guarded.

I agree with you on that new and very separate point yes, I probably would have discouraged DS from checking with them (if op knew that is). But saying that it sounds like they all had that kind of relationship. Particularly as theyd all discussed the possibility of a group holiday.

I still say theyve acted/behaved/whatever appallingly. To lash out at the DS and go on about getting over and blaming op for not doing anything on her borthday (?) is just so dismissive and unfeeling, surprising for a couple supposedly so compassionate and caring theyve burnt out and need a holiday to rest and recover from being so very thoughtful and supportive.

They clearly are bothered about OP though given all the support there's been. I wouldn't extrapolate this to reframe the 30 years of friendship as some delusion. That kind of take is probably why they're minimising it to crossed wires and moving on. It's one holiday that they've chosen to have with someone else, most likely to have a break from the intensity of the current phase of this friendship. Better to not turn this into a 'they're not bothered about me and never have been' spiral. We've no idea how much pressure they've been under and how tricky it's been to balance OP's needs with their own, and her take is understandably riven with pain from the place she's in. They need a break and communicated it badly, but perhaps there was no easy to communicate it better. OP needs to spend time with her family as the friends have said and give it time.

I take your point, I'm just sceptical on what was actually said to the son and what made them say OP needs to move on.

It seems odd to me that these people who have supported OP kindly on a daily basis without an ulterior motive would tell OP she needs to get past it unless something has happened or has been said.

Friendships go through testing times, but finding out they booked that trip with someone else would make me rethink everything too.

I certainly don't think you should end the friendship, but I think a break from them for a month or so would be good.

You've been leaning on them daily for quite a while, and they probably need time away to recover. Obviously they were making excuses to avoid going on the holiday with you because they're emotionally exhausted, but they didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Nobody is being unreasonable or horrible here - it's just very unfortunate.

I hope you start to feel s little better soon and your grief settles down from the initial onslaught, and in time your friendship recovers.

I am so sorry for your loss @Lilyofthefells and that you are having to deal with this on top.

My suspicion is that they "double booked" themselves by having the same conversation about going away with someone else as well as you, probably assuming nothing would come of either set of plans. When the other family suggested booking something before you did, they went along with it, perhaps thinking that you were not going to be ready for a holiday anyway given your comments about your birthday.

When you came through and asked about booking a holiday they were caught out in the moment on the phone and handled it badly by lying to you, rather than being honest and saying "oh I'm so sorry, I've already booked something with x but maybe we could go somewhere else later or next year?" They have then compounded this by making you feel like you are to blame and then turning on your son, which is entirely inappropriate. They have behaved very poorly.

If you have been friends with them for thirty years, and if they were supportive of you over the loss of your sister, then I would not cut them out of your life or lose them as friends. Your friendship can survive this.

While hard, I would also move on from the holiday with them, which is no longer happening, and enjoy time away with your son. If you keep hankering about the holiday you're not having and analysing who thought or said what when and what they really meant it will achieve nothing but make you miserable, make it very hard to maintain the friendship, and eventually even your son will begin to question why a holiday with him is such a poor second prize.

Good luck OP.

I still say theyve acted/behaved/whatever appallingly. To lash out at the DS and go on about getting over and blaming op for not doing anything on her borthday (?) is just so dismissive and unfeeling.

This is very much half the story from someone who isn't considering other people IMO.

She asked about a holiday, they gave at least two excuses, because they are already heavily supporting her and obviously don't want to go with her right now on holiday, but she was obviously pressing the issue (or not wanting to take no for an answer), as they then resorted to suggesting she do the holiday herself with her own family, or go to Disney.. she then told them she had no interest in going with her own family.

I'm sorry, but that is horrible, and explains why they really didn't want to go right now, she wouldn't want to go with her own family? but would want to go with them?? And she told them that!! It is shameless guilt tripping.

Now the son has been encouraged to ask them because he'd 'love to go with them' (more guilt tripping) to which they have been honest and said they are going away with someone else, so can't go with them.

Now OP said they 'deliberately excluding us'.. they've 'hurt her' .. 'why have they done this' .. all they've actually done is decided they don't want to go on holiday with her this year.. how many more times can they say no before the answer is accepted?? Why keep pushing the issue with them now to try and make them feel bad, no wonder it has turned into annoyance on their part, they are entitled to make their own choices, and choosing not to holiday with a grieving person who can't seem to function without them, is a perfectly valid choice.. doesn't mean they should abstain from holidays altogether.

I think they have reached breaking point to be honest.. grief can only carry you so far, before it becomes obvious self pity and entitlement, they been supporting her every single day and it's still not enough for her.

So sorry for your loss. Sounds as if some space is needed all round. Counselling with a trained grief councellor could be very helpful. Holudays at such a time are often not a good idea so perhaps stay at or near home and make sure you get lots of support. As to your friends see how you and they feel after a break.

Gently OP my holidays are precious time. I would absolutely support a friend that is struggling and be there for them all the time I’m at home/working but I don’t think I could extend that to my family holiday. That is time for me to focus solely on relaxing with my partner and DS.

Your reluctance to want to celebrate would make me believe you’re not in the right place for an upbeat time away. Sorry. It sounds like they tried to let you down gently and If they're generally there for you I wouldn’t burn all the bridges.

It sounds to me like people who have reached the end of their support tether for now. They were trying not to hurt her feelings because she’s fragile. Now this has happened and she’s even more hurt and fragile and after supporting her all year they’re being treated like they’ve done something evil. So they want her to get over it because they don’t have any more of themselves to give to it right now hence the planning a break with someone else.

Maybe they’re not being the kindest… why is OP the only person allowed to be fragile or have reached a limit? People lash out when overwhelmed.

Sorry for your loss op but I strongly suspect the wife hasn’t liked him messaging you so much. This is a deliberate attempt to create more of a distance.
I certainly wouldn’t like my husband having/ creating that emotional bond with another woman, whatever the circumstances.

Why? Your friends are allowed to have other friends.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

All of this. Sorry for your loss OP, and sorry you've been treated so shittily. 💐

I agree - you may not actually be the problem. Something else will come out in years to come eg that wife is having an affair with the other person they will travel with or something. Take care and enjoy yourself with your loved ones x

What?! Because they have planned a holiday without the op and her son… that must mean the wife is having an affair?!

There’s clearly people on this thread who must see other people as support humans and side characters only isn’t there!

I agree with a poster upthread. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband was messaging another women every day and wouldn’t be encouraging a holiday with that person. At the very least, it sounds like you’ve been quite needy and potentially hard work. At the other end of the scale, I’d bet money that the wife is not thrilled about the emotional reliance you seem to have on her husband. I’d be wanting a break and certainly wouldn’t fancy a holiday and close proximity in those circumstances.

I’d also add that while there is a variation in grief, leaning on your friends in this way is tipping into the ‘more than normal’ emotional support bracket.

I can just imagine the responses if the friends were to post.
'We have tried really hard to support our friend through a bereavement, sometimes receiving daily messages needing help , we are feeling a bit drained from the situation and have decided to go on holiday with other friends for a bit of light relief . Our friend isn't happy about this and has contacted us a couple of times asking about going away, her son even contacted us, which feels a bit guilt trippy'

It sounds to me like they don't want to go on holiday with you because they need space and likely didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying the real reason they didn't want to go, it sounds awful but dealing with someone who is grieving can take a toll mentally and it sounds like they have been supportive up until this point but needed to have a holiday where they can unwind and just have fun without worrying about how you feel the entire time

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Personally I think you'd benefit from speaking to a grief counsellor for a while. Ideally we'd all have huge supportive networks that would help us cope in these situations, but it sounds like yours is rather limited if you've been relying on one person very heavily for several months now. I can see why other posters are suggesting they may have compassion fatigue.

Given that you've been friends for 30 years you'd hope that your friends would be able to talk to you about this themselves but for whatever reason they've not felt able to at this time. Perhaps out of concern for your emotional state. And yes people who are exposed as doing something they don't view themselves as doing/being (liars or bad friends) will tend to react by lashing out and becoming defensive.

Speaking to a counsellor may help not only process your grief over your sister, but also understand how the combination of your actions and their actions have led to this. They may be terrible friends worth cutting off or they may be fallible humans who've let you down but are worth forgiving.

I think that would really help you OP, and give yourself a breathing space and a place whee you can actually discuss it, without worrying. I hope you find one soon so that you can have some support.
Try not to worry about the friends in the meantime,plan some nice things with your son, trip to the cinema, picnic, etc its fab weather for it.