AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

[Lilyofthefells]

AIBU, My friends said they couldn't possibly go on a trip and then booked the same trip with someone else and apparently it's my own fault!

I've been friends with a couple since we were all at Uni together (nearly 30yrs ago! They met at Uni and married later)

I thought we had an amazing friendship, that we were close and could rely on each other completely. The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day. The wife is my son's godmother. I'd have called them my best friends.

It all started earlier this year, (we'd all expressed interest in the recent past about a possible future trip to Lanzarote as we'd all been individually and said how we'd like to take our children.)
But when I contacted them at the beginning of April about a possible trip this summer I was told no, they'd no passports, money was tight etc, (all perfectly reasonable). It was suggested I go alone (with just my immediate family) or maybe go to Disney? I expressed that I didn't really want to go if that were the case. In all honesty I was actually disappointed and trying (poorly) not to show it, because of previous conversations I'd thought it was definitely on the cards but I left that phone call thinking that there was no chance of a trip together this year. (We'd taken several trips in the past with no problem so I believed them!).

I've been/am struggling with grief and loss so not been in a good place but
after a few days I decided to put my big girl pants on and try to sort out a trip, so I picked up brochures etc. My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them only to discover that actually, after our last conversation they'd gone ahead and booked to go with someone else. I felt so hurt, the very trip they'd said absolutely no to. All the things they'd brought up as issues earlier were clearly not a problem. Given that they'd been in contact with me virtually every day since we spoke about it in April and they'd not said a thing showed that they were clearly trying to keep it from me.

I'd no idea why they'd done this or what I could have done. When I messaged them to ask they blamed me for not having wanted to do anything for my birthday (it's a significant one, but I didn't feel like a big/specific celebration this year as the pain of losing my sister is still raw. Everyone else I've said this to has been completely understanding) but I never said a holiday was off the cards.

They've not apologised at all and don't seem to care they've hurt me, in fact they deflect it back on me, and I "need to get past it" and "move on", and I "must have got my wires crossed". They also lashed out at my son (verbally). He's really hurt and now won't talk to them. I feel so conflicted, they've deliberately excluded me (us) when I'd been the one to raise the idea in April and now I'm supposed to feel bad for not wanting to "do something for my birthday" (the trip would never have been on my birthday anyway). I just can't face them but the loss of our friendship is hurting so bad, why would they do this. I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, they know I've been struggling but they clearly don't feel bad about what they've done or seem to value our friendship, so am I being unreasonable if I cut them out of my life permanently?

I think this is true. It’s quite burdensome helping people through grief. They have obviously been willing to do this but possibly want to find some space in their lives for themselves.

I don’t think they have handled this brilliantly but I can understand their point. They just want a bit of a break from it.

I think YABVU. They’ve gone on lots of trips with you. So what if they don’t want to go on this one and enjoy someone else’s company?

They were being polite giving you so many reasons (sound like you pushed them), but quite honestly, no is a full sentence.

They’re allowed other friends and they’re allowed to holiday with other friends.

Theyve acted appallingly.

I will echo what the others have said. I just don’t think they wanted to go with someone who is still grieving. It sounds very much like you’ve been relying on them for a lot for support so they probably needed a break.

They've handled it really poorly but they might feel a bit suffocated by the level of contact that you have had recently and wanted to have a bit of a break. They might have felt the way your son approached them about going on holiday together when they'd already said no was too pushy.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. I would let the situation with the friends and the holiday calm down before making any rash decisions about the friendship. Once you've had some time you may find that this situation doesn't outweigh the previous 30 years. They can still love and value you without seeing you as a unit of 3 the way you and your son seem to.

It’s unfortunate they are going without you, annd this has hurt you, and I’m so sorry for your loss. But in the kindest way possible, I agree with some of the other comments. They may want some time away from you. It sounds like they have been very supportive since the loss of your sister, but maybe going away with you would have been too much. I get that vibe coming through in your post. I’m not sure if you are coping with your grief or if this is how you usually are, but maybe you are draining them and they just want to recharge.

It may be true that they want a break from you on their holiday, but to book exactly the holiday you had wanted to go on with them, is a very weird thing to do.
They could have very easily booked another place to go with other friends and returned to Lanzarote next year. And the lying about it and shouting at your son is quite shocking.

Again, she didn't say they shouted at her son. She said lashed out. That could mean anything.

Sorry for your loss

Kindly, I suspect that they wanted a holiday free from supporting someone and had no idea how to tell you that.

Ocelotfeet27 · Today 07:16
I don't agree with people saying maybe they just want a break from you. Firstly good friends don't 'want a break from you' and if they do they are honest.

I don't think that is true. If a friend has been leaning on you daily for several months, on the phone crying for an hour a day about their grief, then it would be very normal for the support friend to want a break. I have been that person.

And grieving people usually can't see past their own grief and are not logical. I'm not saying the OP is like this but many grieving people wouldn't understand the feelings of the supportive friend and no matter what the supportive friend says they will always be in the wrong in the eye of the "hurt" party.

A holiday is a break from day to day. It sounds like you have needed a lot of support from them recently, I would imagine they want some
respite from that.

By what? By going on holiday with someone else?

For lying about it.
For “lashing out” at the son.
For “lashing out” at @Lilyofthefells and trying to blame her.

This seems like yet another occasion when friends, supposedly good friends, cannot cope with a friend's grief. Actually saying "cope" is generous. The problem is often more that they don't want to be inconvenienced or bummed out by it. They want to leave their friend to deal with their bereavement and when that friend is back on form, they expect the friendship to resume as it had been before they totally dropped them when they were hurting.

It is selfish and cowardly. Not being honest about their reasons for not going on the holiday you suggested is also cowardly. Of course you were going to find out at some point they'd gone on the same holiday with other people. And being cowards they've made that your fault. And then been hostile to your son. They are shabby people.

Fuck them. When they are bereaved, and they will be at some point, they can only hope their alternative travelling companions will show them some ongoing compassion.

None of that will ease the hurt you are feeling right now. It is another blow after the loss of your sister. I really hope you have other people, better people around you and you can concentrate on those friendships going forward.

And you'd have had no issue with the deceit if you'd been in OP's shoes? The deceit is what stands out for me. Real friends discuss, they don't duck and dive and lie like these people have.

I’m sorry OP you are going through this. Maybe you have leaned on them too much however, you have been friends for so long and they should have shown respect by saying they didn’t want to go and why. There is nothing wrong with them not wanting to go with you. They have basically hid things and lied to you. Decent friends would not act the way they have.

If this were me, I would not wanting to be friends with them as there is clearly no respect there for the friendship.

I wonder if they thought that you saying you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday meant the trip as well and they booked to go with someone else. They dealt with it really clumsily but maybe they just tried to not upset you (and of course made it worse in the process).

Do they think you were trying to guilt them into going by getting your son to call (or was that what you were trying to do?)

Or it could be that the friend’s husband is struggling with retraumatisation as he experienced similar and needs some time to deal with the feelings that the OP’e grief has brought up.

Did they feel you were too close to the DH?

If I had to put money on the reason, this would be it.

I'm very much going against the grain here, but I think they've behaved really badly and they could have handled it better.
Why lie about money and passports? If they wanted a holiday with someone else/without the OP, and they're good friends, why not just say gently, 'We're probably going to do something different this year for our hols, but...' and follow up with a suggestion of something else nice to do together like a day out or lunch or whatever.

(although I think telling the OP no and then booking a trip to the same place adds another layer of either huge thoughtlessness or deliberate cruelty).
They 'lashed out' at the OP's teenage son. Nice
They blamed the OP and made out that because she didn't want to do anything for her birthday she must have not wanted a holiday either, which is unfounded and has a whiff of blaming the OP.
They used dismissive phrases like her needing 'to get past it' and 'move on'.

People on here are being unfair to the OP, I think. The comment about her thinking that casual mention of a trip to Lanzarote is 'the be all and end all of life's ambitions' is particularly catty.

No. The way theyve acted.

You aren't as close as you thought , op.
It happens.
Really not ok to verbally abuse your ds, though.
(Its my experience that when called out on poor behaviour, dickheads usually go on the attack..)

I think that’s a bit unfair after op said she had been texting the husband about her grief every day!

The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day.

Op losing her sister is absolutely awful and incredibly sad and I understand the depth of her hurt, but I can also see the other side and harsh though it sounds, can understand this couple not wanting to deal with someone else’s grief on holiday, especially if this is the only break they get this year and especially when the dh has been bereaved himself. Texting every day is quite a lot. The op’s friends are allowed a holiday from it.

Sure. And they can lie to her and be shitty to her son. Everyone can do whatever suits them best at any given time. Hopefully OP has better friends