AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

The man sounds horrible. Did you tell MIL about his comments?

I think if your instinct is no then just don’t allow it.

No absolutely not. He sounds vile. Id tell your MIL about the comments and also tell her this is why your girls will never stay over.

There's no way I'd allow that even without a weird sexual comments. Not even a dilemma or a second's consideration.

I absolutely wouldn’t allow sleepovers, your children are still very young. Your MIL and her partner can spend time with them with you. They aren’t her children, they are yours, don’t let her pressure you into it. Trust your gut, if you feel uncomfortable there’s a reason for that. I don’t understand the need for sleepovers at such a young age anyway, especially if you aren’t comfortable with it.

I would never allow sleepovers. In anybody’s house ever.

does MIL know what he’s said to you?
And no, yanbu. I would not be allowing this.

As a dgm I don't need my dgc alone to have a fab relationship with them.

No, no, yes.

Why would your MIL even think it appropriate to have a three and a half year old and nine month old for a sleepover? They’re far too young. Just tell her no - and with the inappropriate comments, I wouldn’t ever be letting them stay.

Absolutely not.

Would it help if you depersonalised it from her boyfriend and instead tell your MIL that your children will never have a sleepover in a house with an unrelated male?

You don't have to give reasons. Just a 'no thanks, we feel they're a bit young for sleepovers'. You could always tell MIL what her DP has commented to you, though I imagine that would cause another major scene?

The priority is what is best for your children not letting MIL have her DGCs overnight. If she doesn't like it, then tough.

I'd be giving them a bit of a wide berth and shutting down any suggestions of sleepovers. It's good that your DH feels the same.

Yes, we've recently told her. Her reply was simply "what do you want me to do about this? He's like marmite, you either love him or hate him. He says those things as a joke and hopefully you can just get over it"

Always, always go with your gut feeling - made easier in this case because DH is thankfully in agreement

And if you've not already informed MIL about her partner's remarks now would be the time to tell her exactly why the DCs won't be staying with him

Edited to add since I cross posted with you ... it's her choice to make silly excuses for her partner, and yours to protect your children

No sleepovers and actually probably no unchaperoned visits either at their house.

No.
there’s absolutely no need for it to happen.
mine are late teens and other than two overnights when they were under 1 for unavoidable reasons. These didn’t go well (different reasons!)
They’ve never had a sleep over (although they now crash at friends).
we’ve made sure there’s never a need, they come with us or one person stays behind.

trust your instinct, it’s not worth the risk.
is DH on board with you?

-this isn’t a judgement on anyone allowing them when they are happy and have good relationships etc. those I’m envious of those relationships!! But for these circumstances. Nope!

What sort of comments OP? Never allow the sleepovers anyway

You’re doing the right thing, OP. Trust your instincts.

As I've had 2 c-sections he made a comment along the lines of "least everything is still nice and tight down there"

You are good parents Trust your instincts. No way would I allow my children to stay over. YADNU.

You're not wrong. You barely know him, your mil barely knows him.

Could she look after the DC overnight at your house?

And she didn't dump him??!

Oh that is GRIM

That's so grim, I wouldn't have him within 100m of me let alone my kids.

He sounds vile.

However even without him being vile, your children are really young and you don't have to allow sleepovers at anyone's house if you don't want to.

I don't get this insistence from some grandparents that DC must stay over! It's weird.