AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

Even without the unacceptable comments OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children. No discussion need, simply inform her that you’ve discussed it and your decision is final. No need to fall out unless she wants to.

Not being dramatic but... this would never happen even over my cold dead body. My kids' safety doesn't get compromised to protect anyone else's feelings, family or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you point out that the joke wasn't funny, and he should be able to work that out for himself?

But it leaves the door open to say sorry, you can't "just get over it" so the girls won't be coming to stay while he's around.

Did you ask him and your MIL how that was, as she claims, a joke?

Hate it is, then😁

Oh, for fucks sake!

I haven't read the whole thread, but why does everyone these days seem to immediately suspect a new man in the family dynamic, of having inappropriate intentions towards any available children?

Where has the trust in people gone?

"it's only a joke if both people are laughing MIL, his comments are crude and completely inappropriate. Until we are more comfortable in his company there will be no sleepovers. this may be never)

Making comments like that after a C-section is vile. Horrible man. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone but you certainly do need to tell her in very simple language that it is unacceptable for him to talk like that and as such you won't be allowing sleepovers. No discussion, no pestering, she's made her choice, these are the consequences.

He has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion.

Hell no !

As I've had 2 c-sections he made a comment along the lines of "least everything is still nice and tight down there"

Yuch !

Yes, we've recently told her. Her reply was simply "what do you want me to do about this? He's like marmite, you either love him or hate him. He says those things as a joke and hopefully you can just get over it"

Not funny at all.

I'd put as much distance as you can between you and this dirty-minded perv, for as long as it takes for MIL to get sick of him.
One day he'll say it to the wrong female and her partner/DH will give him a knuckle sandwich.

And yes, sleepovers are out of the question 😮

I'm going to add I'm a CSA survivor.
My abuse started at 7? ( I can't really remember).

I know a huge amount about padeophiles and perverts. My own daughter never stayed with anyone. I'd be vigilant for any grandchildren to come.
Many women on Mumsnet will confirm that certain women get targeted. It would be interesting to know what age your MIL is because I grew up in the 1970s when exploitation and grooming was rife. It was also ignored.
Please keep away from this man. Anyone visualising your genitailia is doing the same for other females. At best he's a pervert at worse something more sinister.

Quite! Ask her to explain precisely what's funny about her partner thinking about having sex with you? See how funny she finds that!

Honestly do you believe this or it a wind up. Would a man say that to his daughter in law and also why would anyone be so concerned about pleasing their mil and putting her before their concerns . You'd just tell her no you didn't want them having sleepovers, like it or lump it.
If true why are people finding it hard to stand up to their family over their children.

Outstanding comment 😄 🙌

That is 100% the correct response OP!

In my world trust is earned. A man who makes inappropriate sexual comments about women isn't a suitable babysitter for my children. It isn't necessarily about direct risk of physical or sexual harm to them, although that's obviously always something to guard against, but also about the attitudes and ideas they may be exposed to.

Massive red flag right there 🚩

OP, it sounds like you know what you are comfortable with and happy enforcing those boundaries.

As a reminder, you can also do a Sarah's Law check if you wanted to find out if there is any history of specific abuse.

BIL and his DP seem to think that their DC being a boy doesn’t mean he’s at risk?? They must be so blinkered!
OP, you have made the right decision regardless of the disgusting comments made about your body! I would let my kids anywhere near that man!

Vile! Tell your MIL that her Marmite analogy is correct and you hate him.

@UncharteredWaters reply is brilliant.

I think that's because it's a recurring question when a GM has a new partner. And sometimes, sadly, even when the GF is the biological GF - the difference there being that the adult children are probably aware of his unpleasant tendencies and just want suggestions on how to deal with this, rather than asking if they're being unreasonable.

I think your Bil is the weird one giving an unrelated man access to his 2 year old. Not all men are paedos but over 99% of them are men.

I haven't read the whole thread, but why does everyone these days seem to immediately suspect a new man in the family dynamic, of having inappropriate intentions towards any available children?

Have you at least read as far as the partner's comments about OP's vagina and MIL's excuses for them, @WheresThatCatGoneNow?

Nobody's suggested any man is a risk, though a measure of caution around unknown people can be wise where small children are concerned - it's this man people are commentting on, and for pretty obvious reasons

So many men, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and step versions of the above are responsible for CSA. The figures are astonishing.
I’ve had many an argument with posters who will say “so a grandad can’t do…” and then give an example of something that seems perfectly normal, but if that person is a predator becomes inherently dangerous. Such as change a nappy or bath time. Most male relatives don’t abuse the children in their care but the numbers who do are staggeringly high. It’s about access to children alone. I think if you’ve a good relationship with your own dad and he’s never been inappropriate with you, chances are you’ll not feel uncomfortable with him being around your daughters. A man who hasn’t been a long term fixture in your lives who’s inappropriately (not sure I can think of ways it can be appropriate to discuss your vagina) discussed your genitalia, why on earth would you choose to allow that person access to your dds? He may not have any sexual feelings towards children, but you have no idea and he has poor boundaries, he’d never be alone with my kids.
It’s hard to dish those boundaries out because you’re often made to feel like you’re being unreasonable but actually, leaving children in the care of someone who makes you uncomfortable as far more unreasonable.

oh that caps it off for me. Setting aside the issue of the children (and I see no reason for sleepovers at that age if the parents don't want to allow it) If her boyfriend can't watch his gob around me then I would not be visiting and neither would my children. She gets to choose who she wants for a partner, you get to choose whether to be around him or allow your kids to be.

he what????????

Non - verbal children do not go on sleepovers. End of discussion.

You need to go with your gut feeling on this and I don’t think I’d allow it myself but you need to reframe the situation as her partner, 2.5 years, bought a house together isn’t a new boyfriend, they are making a life together. As I said, i wouldn’t be allowing sleepovers myself but not antagonise her by calling him a new boyfriend, my now late mil insisted on calling me my then dp now dh his girlfriend, and his house when it was our joint house (I paid 50% from sale of previous property) and we were engaged, living together for 4 years etc. Be accurate and say why too, you aren’t comfortable with him due to what he has said to you.

my ex mil never had my dc partly because I didn’t trust her husband (thankfully she never really pushed it)