AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

Nope, no sleepovers and no visiting without you there.

He is vile.

I know someone who makes similar “jokes”. He sexually abused his underage stepdaughter.

Listen to your gut.

I definitely wouldn’t trust her to safeguard the children at all so there should always be one of you around when they see the children.

I don’t think this should impact your decision at all but I would also suggest doing Clare/Sarahs law disclosure requests just to see if there is a known history.

NO NO NO. Even without the sexual comments it’s a huge no.

Nope! They’re way too to young anyways.

Trust your gut OP.

Though fast forward to an 8 year old asking to have a sleep over at her pal’s and you’ll have to consider if that rule stands.

I would definitely not let the children have a sleepover, also make sure either you or your husband are in the same room when he is visiting. Also please look into a police background check, your MIL’s insistence on sleep overs may have come from him xx

Oh my GOD!!!

Take the man out of the situation, I wouldn’t be allowing the kids to sleep over anywhere with anyone until they were older.

Have a good think, once they’re going to school, at what age will you be comfortable with them sleeping over at a friend’s place? 8? 10? 12?

Try to think about them being 11 and begging you because their friends are having a sleepover and they will be missing out. Once you and DH have agreed on an age, then that’s the age.

Nothing to do with your MIL or her partner, just a blanket rule for your family.

For us, that age was 8. Old enough to give us a good rundown on anything happening when they get home. Old enough to know when they felt uncomfortable in a situation. Ours were quietly told to lie if they wanted to come home and to tell the host they were going to vomit, feeling really sick. People will encourage a homesick child to stay, but they’ll phone the parents of a child about to vomit very quickly.

Massive red flag @Beckywonders that your mum is minimising inappropriate comments to her daughter by her partner.

Absolutely no way would my kids be having a sleepover and if she doesn’t like it, tough.

OMG!!!!! yuk!!!! Says a lot about him. Do not let your girls near him unsupervised.

Maybe if you bothered reading the OP’s posts before sounding off, you wouldn’t come across as a bit of a people pleaser/complete tit?

There’s nothing new under the sun, as they say.

I wouldn’t, but then again my two children (1 and 2) have never stayed overnight anywhere and won’t until they’re able to communicate enough to let me know if they were happy or not

You have to trust your gut. I similarly had inappropriate comments from person in our wider family. His wife minimised. He’s not long been found guilty of sexually abusing his granddaughter.

I would feel exactly the same as you. And you've been absolutely reasonable to suggest MIL can dee children at your house or in the day. Totally agree.

Trust your gut feeling op! No way would I have my daughter staying in a house with a relatively unknown man.
My own grandmother remarried after being widowed, to what I can only call a dirty old pervert. He was always trying to kiss my girl cousins and me with his mouth open and trying to feel our thighs under our skirts. My parents and my aunts and uncles never allowed us to stay with them so that must have been their gut feeling about him. I was allowed to stay with my other lovely grandparents regularly.

After that comment neither me or my dad's would be in the same house as him ever..

You’re absolutely right op. Can’t believe someone’s voted otherwise!

I didn’t go to sleepovers until I was 12/13 under such a rule and found I wasn’t that keen on sleepovers to begin with and preferred visiting people vs staying over and having to call someone if I wanted to leave.

My parents simply said no, need to be a bit older and I accepted that.

Absolutely right to worry about his behaviour/boundaries OP (I speak from experience unfortunately), those comments are disgusting and he would be nowhere near my children in your shoes. Your instincts are good, never doubt them.

Probably @WheresThatCatGoneNow, who wrote:

Oh, for fucks sake!
I haven't read the whole thread, but why does everyone these days seem to immediately suspect a new man in the family dynamic, of having inappropriate intentions towards any available children?
Where has the trust in people gone?

At least reading the OP's posts might have saved her the embarrassment.

This... No Way

And frankly I wouldn't trust your MIL who is using the decorating the bedrooms for your children as a bit of emotional blackmail to encourage you to send them for sleepovers... "Oh but I've got their rooms ready".. she didn't ask before that did she?

I also wouldn't trust her if you said no sleepovers if he's around.. not to say he's not around and then it turns out he actually is and she says "You see, I told you it would be fine" Just to prove her point.

Nothing unsupervised. And hopefully, seeing you taking a firm line on this will have an impact on your BILs decision.

I’m begging you as someone who was younger and vulnerable. Please don’t let them. If they go to her for help it sounds like she’ll shut them down too. Please protect your babies.