AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

THIS. According to NSPCC, the VAST MAJORITY of CSA is committed by someone known by the child. It’s not the stranger in the van we need to focused on. It’s the dad, uncle, grandpa, family friend etc. Scary but true. https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/statistics-briefings/child-sexual-abuse

OMG, I can't believe he made that comment. It's awful. As a family, I'd be giving him a wide berth. I'm not entirely sure, but is there a police request you can make to see if he has a criminal record? Just throwing it out there.
He sounds as though he is older. What is his relationship like with his own family?

I dunno. In terms of boundaries, I think gobshite boyfriend has done her a favour. That single comment puts him beyond the pale and not just so far as the children are concerned.

Id have nothing to do with him. Just because he is your MIL partner doesnt mean you have to put up with seeing this disgusting man.

What did you or you DH say to him when he said this to you ? MIL must be desperate for a man to stay with him.

Do not allow your girls to be near him. I'd actually tell your BIL and his wife the reason why.

This. Be clear that its their choice but its something you thought they should know.

Good grief, that man wouldn't ever be seeing my children again. If MIL wants a relationship with your children she can come to your house alone for visits while you are there too. Absolutely no sleepovers, but also no unsupervised contact at any time of day, and no visits to their house while he is there. After making such a vile comment to you I would be cutting him off completely.

I dont let my kids go to MIL’s at all. She can visit them here whenever she likes but i dont trust her husband, her living situation or her dogs so their house is a complete no go. There has been some arguments as the kids go round FIL’s and my parents but i don’t care my kids safety is the most important thing. If/when it comes to sleepovers and shes feeling left out she can stay at ours with the kids but her husband cant. I wont even let them get in a car with her husband. Id rather be the bad guy that get proven right

Absolutely not! You sound a responsible, caring and very aware lady. I wouldn't trust this guy or any other "partner" of your MIL with my precious kids.

Definitely no sleepovers.

that comment was disgusting, and I hope you tell the mother-in-law that and also your brother/sister-in-law so they can rethink whether they want their DC staying there...

Always trust your instincts, as you have done here.

It’s got nothing to do with liking him, though, it’s to do with not knowing him and the fact that you are not willing to leave your very young daughter’s in the shared care of a male you do not know. That is safeguarding’s no 1 rule.

Can you do a Clare’s law and Sarah’s law check on him just to double check there is nothing concerning to date, at least?

You aren't comfortable with it.

It's a no.

She's dismissing him being sexually inappropriate with you. That kind of behaviour enables him to get away with that. He's shady and she would enable him.

No sleepovers. You're also going to have to watch him like a hawk if he ever comes to your place. He's sexually inappropriate, predatory, and opportunistic about it.

Mom's boyfriends and husbands can be dangers to their kids, even their adult kids. Little kids don't have a chance and shouldn't be around predatory men.

Never mind the sleep overs, i wouldn't be having any kind of contact with him at all. Does your dh know what he said to you?

They're your children so you're allowed to say no for any reason or for no reason at all. MIL isn't entitled to sleepovers in the same way she wouldn't be obligated to provide childcare for you.

Oh FUCK NO. Trust your gut!

Every single thing that you have written has been 100% sure you are making the correct decision, even if you took the revolting man out of the equation.

Anyone (including grandparents) insisting my tiny child needed to sleep over without me would give me a massive ick also, I don't get it, you can hang out in the daytime/at the park/whatever.

OP does your MIL have a record for making questionable choices?

1 in 20 children has suffered sexual abuse - why would you even take the risk? I wouldn't care whose feelings got hurt

He sounds vile. I would not allow sleepovers with a strange man who makes sexual comments. Your instincts are correct. It's just not worth the risk of long-term harm to your children.

OP, do your bil and sil know what he said about you?

That is truly appalling. I'm shocked that anyone thinks this is okay, let alone his wife and your husband. I'd be having nothing to do with him at all, children or otherwise. I'd feel sick being near him.

"Would you allow sleepovers in this situation?"

NO! Not in a million years.

"Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?"

This is a reasonable boundary.

"Her reply was simply "what do you want me to do about this? He's like marmite, you either love him or hate him. He says those things as a joke and hopefully you can just get over it"

Whether you 'get over such a vile fucking comment or not, the kids should not be staying there with this man who is effectively a stranger to them and you.

I would have said no even before those disgusting comments to you.

and after hearing those comments I agree with those who say supervised visits only.

my job is to protect my children and if that means some feelings get hurt then so be it.

Agree with NoCommentingFromNowOn

"OP, do your bil and sil know what he said about you?"

Please do make sure your in-laws know what he said.

I am baffled by grandparents wanting sleepovers with the kids on their own - they’ll be in bed asleep most of the time so they wouldn’t actually be spending much with the them anyway. If you’re all going as a family to stay for a weekend that’s one thing but to ask to have the kids on their own (& specifically want them without the parents) seems weird to me.

My DC are young adults now but never had a single sleepover with either set of grandparents, both local who they saw regularly so had / have a good relationship with all of them.

This is no brainer, You dont allow your young daughters to be alone at night with a man who is essentially a stranger.

Tell your MIL that there will be no sleepovers until further notice.