AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

Oh dear god ... and MIL considered this "just a joke"??

Stick with your decision, OP; seems it's not just the partner with appalling judgement but MIL too

OMG 🤮🤮🤮🤮

Even if he never "did" anything, you can bet he would be making inappropriate sexualising remarks to the children before the decade was out. You're going to have to be quite careful about how he is around them I think OP.

Gross in any case but to your partner’s daughter ? That is vile.

I wouldn’t even allow this to be honest. MIL clearly doesn’t have good judgement or boundaries with regards to this bloke seeing as she didn’t pull him up on his disgusting comment, I wouldn’t trust her to put her grandchildren first.

Obviously you put your DC first. If MIL is upset, she’s upset. So what?

@Beckywonders oh no that’s a million times worse that I imagined. That is utterly despicable and he’s a disgusting scumbag. I’m sorry you must feel so uncomfortable around him

Great idea. As it would be the same with any parent, OH's or mine.

Oh that’s absolutely disgusting!

Following your update, it would be absolutely a no from me. Pleased your DH supports you. MIL’s boyfriend is vile.

Thank you for all the quick and honest feedback. I think ultimately I knew what the answer was I just needed to hear it from others. I think it's hard as my BIL and his wife are in the situation with their son (2) and they are totally ok with him and the sleepover/visting situation and it makes me feel like I'm being irrational and OTT but I know I'm not. I'm purely trusting my gut and protecting my girls.

That was a disgusting comment. Your mil is a minimiser and he's a dirty old man.
No way on God's earth would my children be overnight in a house with him. Sounds like a typical 'any man but no man' situation.
I'm afraid I would have slapped him.

I wouldn’t allow sleepovers anywhere with children that young.
I wouldn’t have my children in the same house as this vile man at all, let alone leaving them there !
MIL can visit children on her own at your home.
I would cut all contact with her new boyfriend and explain to your MIL exactly why.

MIL does not seem to mind that her partner has been thinking about her DILs body ? Some women must be so desperate.

Yikes!!
Horrible comment!!

Absolutely no way. Even if you only had a slight doubt.
Realistically, your children are still too young for sleepovers anyway. They might want Mummy or Daddy in the middle of the night.

How old is MIL because she’s acting like a love struck idiotic teenager!

I’d be very clear with her that her boyfriend’s behaviour is the problem and you’re not going to pretend he’s not an arsehole just for the sake of family harmony.

Stand firm OP. She can visit you but I’d be having nothing to do with the odious boyfriend. He can fuck right off!

Our children never ever stayed overnight with my in-laws. A simple no is fine. You don’t need to explain any more.

I’m sure I’ve read this before

Would it help if you depersonalised it from her boyfriend and instead tell your MIL that your children will never have a sleepover in a house with an unrelated male?

I agree with OP that this is a good idea, @PatioSitter, but doubt it'll wash with an obvious judgement-free zone like this MIL

I believe the rather unfortunate phrase for such women is "cock over kids", and after all these aren't even her kids

I haven't posted about it before so it must be some other person going through the same situation!

Urgh. Trust your instincts here. That comment is horrendous, but more worrying is that he'd dare to make it to his partner's DIL. That shows entitlement, powerplay and a lack of control, that are huge red flags. The fact your MIL doesn't have an issue with this shows she has incredibly poor judgement.

I would never leave the children with them unattended, let alone overnight. Your brother should also tell his brother about your decision and why you've both made it.

CSA doesn’t just happen at night it happens 24/7 and also in public settings. I wouldn’t leave your DCs with your MIL unattended at anytime because she is in denial that he is at least a creepy misogynistic sex pest if not a paedophile.

You both feel uncomfortable about it. That’s enough reason and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your children and your responsibility to safeguard them and do what’s best for them.

Absolutely not! No sleepovers! He sounds vile!

Not in the same context. My parents lived about 10 miles away.
Our children only stayed once. Our son who was 3 told us next morning that he didn't like it.
No reason and nothing bad happened. DD was only 1 so couldn't say much.
So because ds didn't like it they never stayed over ever again.
Our children still had a good relationship with mum and dad.

Trust your gut they are your children and you have the right to say no.
He sounds an awful man.