AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

@Gymnopedie people are naive and think bad things won't happen to their children or relatives. As someone up thread said,
one in twenty children have been sexualy abused. 27% of women and girls have been spiked and I'm sure there are other shocking statistics. I am a CSA survivor and it effected me all of my life.
Why do these needy people want to look after young children overnight? Teenagers can be fun. My son adored my late father and he'd stay with him sometimes but it was rare and my dad's behaviour was exemplary. None of my wider family had my children. I didn't have theirs either until 12+.
I am fuming for you @Beckywonders . My DH would have had something to say to this man and it wouldn't be pleasant.

OP, these are your kids. If you don't want them to do something, a simple 'no thanks' will suffice. You don't need to explain yourself. Lots of MILs don't suggest sleepovers and still have good relationships with DGC.

I had a bad feeling about my MIL's new partner. Turned out he'd been on trial for r*pe. Denied it all of course but things he said and did made me feel uneasy so there was a reason I decided to look him up online.

There isn't a chance in hell I'd let my kids go to that house with him there.

Always trust your gut instincts.

So he's vile & she has shit judgement.

And who knows what he might say without you there that she would just let pass?

I wouldn't leave the kids alone there at all!

Our kids never stayed over at GPs without us there.

No issue with them it just happened that we all stayed over!

Even if he was perfectly lovely you are fully within your rights to say no to sleepovers.
Or with anyone else too, at any time and for any reason you choose.

Creepy pervert. Wouldn't let my daughters anywhere near him, trust your instincts, this is not a good man.

MIL minimising it as a joke can F off too.

The children are YOUR children not her children, she has had her time with her children - she does not need time with your children overnight.
The children do not need bedrooms at her home, they have bedrooms at their own home.

What a inappropriate jerk. You are right

You have also been sexually harassed in this instance IMHO - so I wouldn’t be in his company for him to either do it again or even if he said nothing to be leering over you

I would not allow my DC to be unsupervised with her (with or without him), either day or night. Really very disturbing, and the fact that she didn't think it was a big deal is even more disturbing. I definitely wouldn't let my children stay with an unrelated male in the house in any context.

The first sleepover I had was at age 11. The first one my DC had was at 12 and 9.

My best friend was a victim of CSA from a family member (step family) and while she is a wonderful person it has had a profound life altering impact on her. His comments are testing the water, that’s how predators do it. Do not allow your children to be unsupervised around this man ever.

At best he’s a leery socially inept creep. At worst he is an active threat to your children.

Your children's safety is always more important than anyone else's feelings to your decisions.
Not only would I not allow sleep overs, I wouldn't allow my children over without me during the day either tbh going by his comment and her lack of giving a fuck.

Yes very much so! Her track record and history isn't the best, she makes silly impulsive decisions and gets very easily swept away.

ok then. In that case you don't owe her concern. How would your husband feel about going NC for a while?

So even more reason why it should be made clear to her that while she’s with this man she won’t be allowed unsupervised access to your children and sleepovers are out of the question. OP I was horrified at the comment about your C sections - regardless of anything else, I think that’s enough reason for you to go no contact with both of them. He’s vile, and she’s enabling his vileness by throwing her hands up and asking what you want her to do about it.

That’s vile. Trust your instincts

If my husband said that about my daughter he would be my ex.
That’s so disgusting.

Unless your children are having sleepovers with their other grandparents, just say that you don't want them away from you overnight, nothing to do with who with. Grandparents are not entitled to have sleepovers, and plenty of children don't have any until they are a lot older.

This!

So my youngest has never, but my 3.5 year old daughter will stay over at my mums from time to time. My mum is on her own, recently windowed from my dad passing away.

In your shoes, I wouldn't dream of letting my children have sleepovers OR unsupervised contact. Even without the boyfriend, your MIL is untrustworthy, but he sounds disgusting in his own right.

MIL, BIL and SIL all now know the comments that have been made are everyone seems to think it's ok/they're absolutely fine with it/should be seen as a joke. I feel like I'm the one who is wrong here!

Not a chance. I would have slapped him across the mouth if he spoke about my body in that way. Disgusting behaviour.

what does your husband think? so long as you and he are on the same page, the rest of them can get to fuck.

Have you even read the comment that he made to OP:

'As I've had 2 c-sections he made a comment along the lines of "least everything is still nice and tight down there"'

Would you trust a man who makes a lewd comment about his partner's DIL's vagina?

If you have read this comment and you still think that OP is wrong not to trust him, there is something very wrong with you.