AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

God, that’s seriously vile. I wouldn’t see him ever again if that were me.
Your MIL needs her head examined too for her enabling of him.

‘My children won’t be staying with anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to comment on their mother’s vagina, and I’ll make that fact known to anyone who asks’

might shut her up or make her think about the vile repulsive creature she’s with.

@UncharteredWaters i would say that too.

You are not obligated to provide your DCs to your MIL for her entertainment / nostalgia. Your one sole objective is their emotional and physical safety. She doesn't respect your stance so has violated your trust. That’s the end of it - you know in your gut her environment is at best wholly inappropriate / unpleasant for your DCs and at worst unsafe. You don’t need any further confirmation.

This proves how unwilling she is to put you and your DC first and will excuse any inappropriate behaviour from the BF. That alone justifies you never letting your DC spend time around him without you to take care of them, and frankly you don't need to justify it anyway. It's called being a good parent. Your MIL can buy out the whole of B&Q to do up a mansion for her grandchildren to sleepover in and it still doesn't trump the importance of not leaving them with pervy men and women who'll turn a blind eye. It's simply not and never will be worth the risk.

That's a repulsive comment.

If he is thinking that about you in that way and commenting on your body and thinking about you in a sexual manner, then that's super creepy, and I'd be concerned about him having equally creepy thoughts about your girls.

There would be NO WAY my girls would ever sleep over with someone like that around.

Joke or not, it's repulsive.

I'd be doing some digging on this man...

What you want her to do about it is to tell him that his remarks are not remotely appropriate and as such are not ‘jokes’, and that he needs to watch his mouth. She may love him, but you’re perfectly at liberty to dislike him and to trust your gut in not allowing him access to your children - at least until you’re sure that he doesn’t pose a threat to them. Or you, for that matter.

ETA: I’ve just seen your post about his comment regarding your C sections. That’s utterly vile and I would be going no contact with either of them, and only allowing supervised access to the children. Vile man. And to be honest, vile MiL for thinking this is in any way acceptable behaviour. By accepting it, she’s enabling him and she needs to be called out on it.

I was about to say similar. I wouldn’t trust this MIL’s judgement much if she has no problem with comments like that being said to her DIL

The marmite comment also opens the door for you to say: okay well we hate him and the kids aren't staying there. Obv the more measured comments are better about unrelated males, but if she's saying he's marmite, she can't be surprised that not everyone is going to love his hilarious creepy jokes and that you're totally within your rights to not leave your DC with a 'marmite' man like that.

He is disgusting. And people become who they associate with. Your MIL is complicit in this and should never have your children alone.

He is disgusting. And people become who they associate with. Your MIL is complicit in this and should never have your children alone.

MIL has poor judgment and can't be trusted, her partner is vile, no way can the children stay there. I wouldn't go to their house again either. She can visit.

No one has any right to have other people’s children sleepover - and I’m talking about your MIL here. She’s had her own children. These are your children and I find it really creepy when someone creates a dedicated room in their house for someone else’s child when they don’t have a food solid relationship with the parents. It’s the most blatant way of saying your boundaries and opinions mean nothing to them. They will not alter their own beliefs when it comes to your children, so there’s no way in hell they should have unsupervised overnight access.
Don’t be a people pleaser at the expense of your children.

"I don't expect you to do anything, I'm just letting you know what I'M doing - not allowing sleepovers while he's around. Thought I'd better give you fair warning before you waste money decorating a girly bedroom". You're the boss here.

MIL’s partner is a creepy pervert. No way would the girls be spending time with her alone and I’d also be limiting the amount of time they spend with her when pervert is around.

She has made her choice with marmite man. As a PP said if he’s marmite, you don’t like him and won’t be seeing him again.

Definitely not. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Come up with sentences you are confident saying and say on repeat. “We don’t want the kids to do sleepovers yet” .if they keep on at you then, “it’s our decision as their parents”.

"No" is a complete sentence. Just no. As parents, we accept a very serious obligation to love, protect and keep our children safe. It is such a heavy responsibility because if we make one mistake, it can affect our child for life. Do not leave your children in the hands of an unrelated man, especially if he acts creepy. Even if he didn't. He is not related to those girls and should never have access to them. One mistake and a lifetime of regret.

In that case, just tell MIL that you hate him and that sexual harassment isn't a joke and you can't just get over it.

Your children are too young for sleepovers even if your MIL wasn't living with a sleaze bag so don't feel guilty for saying no.

I'd have said no sleepovers before I got to this comment. But the fact her bar is so very low that she doesn't see a problem with this makes it a hard no. Never,

That's vile !!

JFC that's even worse than I imagined. Your MIL must be really desperate to put up with such a sleazy and disgusting partner. She should be dying of utter embarassment.

The MIL must be desperate for a man if she has him around. He must have form for saying this vile stuff but when she knows he’s said this to her own son’s wife and then gets into bed with him? She’s even worse. She is putting all of her relationships at risk.
She is lucky her son and you entertain her in any level.
I am sick of these men they seem to be everywhere.

That completely crosses the line of what is funny. Does your BIL & SIL know he said that?

I think there’s something wrong with your MIL. I would be furious if my partner said that to another woman, especially a younger family member. If nothing else she has very poor judgment and I wouldn’t allow my children to spend time with her without me or their father being there at all.

Absolutely no way I would let my children sleep there with an unrelated male, especially after his inappropriate and creepy comment to you. Just tell MIL you're not comfortable with it and it's not going to happen - if she's offended, then let her be. Her reaction isn't your problem, you're only responsibility is your children's safety and you are doing exactly the right thing.

No 9 month old (save for illness/emergency) needs a 'sleepover' anywhere.