AIBU to refuse sleepovers at MIL's and her new BF's house?

[Beckywonders]

Would you allow your young children, 3.5 & 9 months to sleep over at MIL’s house in this situation?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this has become emotionally complicated within our family.

My MIL separated from her long-term partner after around 25 years and is now with a new boyfriend of only 2.5 years. They have bought a property together, so it is equally his home as well as hers.

Our relationship with MIL has been strained for a while for several reasons, and we recently had a long, difficult conversation where everything was discussed openly. It became heated initially, but we eventually agreed to try to put the past behind us and move forward. Husbands choice, I support his choice as it's his mum.

The issue my husband and I are still struggling with is our young daughters spending time at their house, particularly sleeping over. MIL is currently in the process of making a bedroom at her house for my 2 girls and my BILs son (2)

I want to be clear that we are not accusing him of doing anything inappropriate towards the children. However, he has made inappropriate sexual comments to me on more than one occasion. This has made me feel very uncomfortable around him and has affected how much I trust his judgement and boundaries.

We also don’t know him particularly well, and neither my husband nor I currently feel comfortable with our daughters staying overnight in their shared home. Our children are still very young, so there is no pressing need for sleepovers but MIL has mentioned it multiple times.

My husband and I are completely in agreement about this. We are happy for MIL to see the children at our house and to spend time with them during the day. We are not trying to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. We simply don’t feel comfortable with overnight stays at present. They haven't even visited the house with us or without yet.

MIL may see this as unfair because it is his home too, and realistically the children cannot stay there without him being around. I understand that this may upset her, but we don’t think we should override our discomfort simply to protect other adults’ feelings.

Would you allow sleepovers in this situation? Are we being overly cautious, or is this a reasonable boundary?

Ha ha vey funnily put.
However you word it, this poster is right x

You are not in the wrong.
Accepting those comments as ‘a joke’ is so wrong.
Stick to your guns.

My rule about sleepovers is simple: if it doesn't feel right, don't allow it. This doesn't feel right so it's a simple no.

I hope your DH is supporting you. I'd just stop visiting them. MIL's boyfriend is a sleazy disgrace and MIL is obviously one of those pathetic women that will put up with all sorts of disrespectful behaviour from their partners, rather than be on their own. None of these people should ever be left alone with your children.

The only opinion that should concern you is that of your DH. As long as the two of you are on the same page, as caring parents, you don't have to justify your judgement about your daughters' safety to anyone. For what it's worth though, my page would have "avoid this repulsive slimeball as much as possible" written all over it and that would be for my own safety, let alone that of two tiny children.

If your MiL raises the issue of your older girl staying with your DM and not her, there's your opportunity. "Frankly Gertrude, my Mum isn't living with Claudius. She doesn't entertain and give a space in her family to a man who makes comments about her daughter's body. You do. You see the difference?"

Eww gross.

Definitely no sleepovers, not now not ever.

That’s fkn vile. I wouldn’t be spending time with him myself, let alone allow my DDs to stay. Your DHs mum, let him see them.

You are not in the wrong. The comment about your c sections alone is a clear indication that this POS has at least thought about you in a sexual way and I’m baffled that MiL tolerates it. Why on earth would they think you should see that as a joke ? They can be fine with it all they want, but for as long as they are, you and your children need to be no or low contact. They are enabling utterly vile misogyny and your MiL in particular has very poor boundaries. Has DH got your back ?

You are merely outnumbered - you are NOT wrong.

BIL/SIL have the right to their choice for their son. You have the right to make your choice for your daughters. Frankly, I think you're making the right choice, and I hope they never rue theirs.

You've confirmed your MIL makes questionable choices. That's her prerogative when only she pays the price for making the wrong choice. But she doesn't get to have any say when it could be your daughters wellbeing at risk. And I wouldn't give a damn if it soured relationships to tell her that.

@PatioSitter 's suggestion is a good one:

"Would it help if you depersonalised it from her boyfriend and instead tell your MIL that your children will never have a sleepover in a house with an unrelated male?"

You're not! And I will wouldn't be trying to soften it by saying you wouldn't allow it with any unrelated male. I'd be saying he's a revolting creep and neither me nor my children were going to be around him.

Your MIL has some odd standards. I would be absolutely horrified if my DH made that comment to me, let alone another woman. Grotesque.

Without the inappropriate comments? No, no sleepovers unless it was just nana, alone in her home and I knew her very well, know her children still adore her and had no issues with her growing up in her house, and she and my children had close relations.

With the guy I hardly know and including inappropriate comments? Absolutely hell fucking no.

@Beckywonders No.
Absolutely not.
Yuk.
The man is disgusting.

Good point. Another unrelated male might have the opportunity to earn his place as a trustworthy figure who is fit to be around his partner's family. This sleazy fellow? The last chance saloon spat him out long ago.

@Beckywonders similar situation here, only it's my mum and my DC is pre-teen. I have a difficult relationship with my mum anyway so my DC has only ever stayed 3 times and only after she and my dad split and she got her own house.

As soon as she moved her boyfriend in, I've said DC won't be staying. I'm not a fan of him but ultimately I don't know him and don't trust him. My sister has 2 DC that are a 2 years older than mine and she's happy for hers to stay over. That's her choice but I've stood my ground on my DC.

Trust your instinct and protect your daughters

Perfectly fine to say no sleepovers with a man who is not a close and trusted relative in the house

2 years in how well does SHE know him let alone you : the comments he has made to you show lack of respect for boundaries

Not a chance in hell would I allow this.

Trust your instincts and don’t take that risk.

For me, it's not about any inappropriate comments. I wouldn't let any unrelated man around my children in this way at all. And even the related ones are to be thoroughly assessed by you, ideally by checking with grown ups you know and trust who were once children under that man's care. I, like countless other people have first hand experience of seemingly nice, charismatic men abusing children. I also know from friends who are clients just how many people have a story of some man a member of their family trusted in some way, hurting them. It's off the charts. You simply cannot tell what people are capable of until you are a young, vulnerable person in their care.

It makes me sad, but it's for this reason my daughter won't have a sleepover at any friends until she is old enough to call me if she feels weird and/or walk out of that house on her own.

So no, you're not being unreasonable at all xx

Same here.
Everybody thinks their own family can be trusted.
Every pedo has a family who trusted them, until they got caught

You don’t even need a reason and you have two: this guy is a perv and your MIL has terrible judgment.

I would never give her a reason though, just say “That doesn’t work for me.” And “No, I’m not comfortable with that.”

The comment is classic grooming - testing the boundaries, seeing what he can get away with and will it be laughed off/tolerated or challenged?